Most days I work fairly hard not to feel entitled. Life is tough for everyone, but I am fully aware how good I have it. Sure things could be better (like women’s rights or access to quality news), but in general I know I am one of the lucky ones.
A few years ago I wrote a post about our entitled generation, claiming that we really weren’t as bad as the world thinks we are, but when I listen to my brother complain about how he deserves money from our parents I really struggle to relate. He is about to graduate from college (a year late) and has no future plans at all. I know for a fact he hasn’t even considered applying for any jobs and while he still has a few weeks of summer classes left (Spanish and yoga), his work ethic doesn’t exactly inspire confidence. It’s not my place to get involved (though I do), and he’s really more or less responsible for his age, but when he says shit like, “I chose a less expensive school than you so they should give me the lump sum of difference from your expensive school,” I get a tiny bit upset.
First I got into ridiculously expensive schools but choose to go to a state school, yes it was more expensive than staying in state, but I was realistic about what made the most sense for me and my family, who I was lucky to happily to pay for college. He went to an out of state school for his first year (exactly the same price as mine) and then promptly failed all his classes and transferred back to Utah to go to an in-state school. Not because it was cheaper, but because he didn’t do well at his first try. He did not make some agreement with our parents to save them money, he chose all this because he wasn’t ready for the responsibility.
His argument makes no sense, and while I get that he feels like now he is responsible enough to handle money he thinks he deserves, the way he approaches things make me feel like he is the farthest from responsible that there is.
We had a long talk the other day about how he wishes he didn’t have to prove to people (me and the parents) that he was ready for things, that we would have faith in him that when he says he is ready for something that he is. But how in the hell can I do that when he really has yet to give me reason to trust him?
I’m proud of him in how far he’s come over the last few years, and we get along very well, I’d even say I expect him to do well for himself in the coming years, but there is no way I’d loan him $5,000 to ‘get on his feet’ right now, or even trust him to make good choices if left to his own devices. He was going to go on a road trip to check out cool places to live and check in with friends last month when he had a few weeks off, but he bailed to sit in his basement and play video games instead.
When I was taking my last classes of college I didn’t have anything figured out either, and I get not wanting to work at a lame job you don’t want, but I definitely didn’t expect my parents to pay me a lump sum for graduation so I could figure it out. I had enough saved from the days when they supported me and knew that if I didn’t figure it out before I ran out of cash I’d have to either move home or take out a loan (probably from them).
So what is the difference between me and him that he thinks he is owed money from our parents? Is it because he was born in the 90’s? Is it because he is the second/youngest child? Is it because he is male? Is it because I made things look easy? Is all of this in my head?
Really, I’m asking you, why do I feel like we see the world so differently?
I can completely relate. As you guys know, my brother is similar to yours in a lot of ways (except worse because he hasn’t managed to graduate college, and only recently got his first job). Though he doesn’t demand sums of cash from our parents, he has no problem letting them pay for everything–except when he complains mightily about how much he hates being under their “control” and how much he wants to be independent. He says that but takes very few steps in that direction. I recognize that I too benefited from a free education that my parents paid for, but I definitely have developed a different mindset than my brother has. As for why we’re so different, I think it’s a lot of the things you listed, but especially him being the youngest child. Yes, we made it look easy, and perhaps your parents and mine didn’t hold the youngest kid to the same standards. Still, I know that things could have gone differently for me and I might also have struggled to figure out my life. I might also have moved in with my parents and accepted their help. But…I wouldn’t act so petulant about minor annoyances. And I certainly wouldn’t ask for the lump-sum difference in college tuition, as if they owe him! Crazy talk. One day when your brother is a parent himself I bet he will look back and see how immature he was during this period of his life. A final thought–if he had a business plan and wanted some money to start it up, or some actual good reason for having that money, I think they’d be more justified in giving it to him. But he sure isn’t entitled to it!
I so agree and I told him if he calmly and rationally made a plan our parents would probably give him startup money. He agreed but I doubt he’ll do it right, he’s more likely to complain that they’ve been secretly hoarding the graduation money he’s owed. He told me last week that our parents didn’t even give him a graduation present, not a trip or anything! I almost punched him. He expects to be handed things, when in reality he’d probably get anything he wanted if he just clearly and rationally asked. Maybe one day our brothers will grow up and take steps towards what they want instead of just complain.
I just want to add that the youngest child argument does not pan out. I am a youngest child myself and I did not have these issues. I do think there is a strong tendency to feel like you have to live up to your siblings, and that’s an easy trap to fall into, but it does not keep you from achieving things. If anything, it made me want to strike out on my own even more, do my own thing so that I couldnt be compared to them anymore.