My name is Sleeping Booty and I’m a crusher.

A few days ago I read a psychology study circulating the internet that claimed a crush lasting over 4 months crosses over into the territory of love. While I’m not sure I agree, it still got me thinking; what is a crush? And how close can it come to love? Continuing with my browsing I found some think crushes don’t exist at all, instead opting to call the attraction infatuation or obsession. Another website claims crushes hold the key to our subconscious, arguing that the qualities we crush on are the ones that we crave in ourselves. For the unwanted crush, there are endless support groups for crushing outside your marriage or unrequited teenage love and I even found an entire forum site dedicated to helping people get over their crushes. So what does all this mean? Are crushes good for us? Our resident Latin expert, Little Merskank, could tell you that the word infatuated is thought to come from fatuus, meaning foolish, and if obsession is only a stone throw from addiction maybe words don’t lie, maybe crushes are just that, foolish addictions.

Luckily, dear readers, if anyone knows a thing or two about crushing, it’s yours truly(or Tswift).

Maybe it’s because I have a wonderful imagination or maybe it’s because I’ve refused to grow up (for a few hours the other day I seriously thought I was 17 again), but whatever the reason the fact remains, I’m a crusher. The shy kid in the back of the class, the outgoing older guy dancing along to his music on the bus, the guy with the absent girlfriend-there is just something about a crush that makes me feel alive. When it comes to ‘real’ relationships I’ll be the first to say I’m not an expert, but in the case of the crush I’m a full blown authority.

So for your reading pleasure (and in a meager attempt to decipher some greater truth about myself) (and because I like lists), I give you my Catalog. Here is every person (let me know if I’ve left anyone out) I’ve had a significant and life affirming crush on, ever. Along with the year the crush began, duration and a few choice details, I’ve even provided their real names. If you so wish to use your magic internet powers to find these humans and let them in on my confession have at it, at this point I’m so deep with my crush on Spiderman that no one else matters (if you happen to know Emma or Andrew, let them know I’m totally down for some polyamory.) You can’t know me until you know who I love right? Let’s see what we discover.

1. Jacob. 3rd grade. 10 years. What wasn’t there to love about the shy 3rd grader who wore the same Bulls jersey to school every day? When we were sent to different middle schools he became my perfect answer to the, ‘who do you like?’ question. This backfired when it was discovered that he had gained a little weight, but still, he was my guy.
2. Josh. 4^th grade. 6 months. A few years older and a bad boy, Josh and I were in an after school program together. He was entering the ‘I hate everything’ phase and kept to himself but among the shop tools I broke down his walls and he taught me to build.
3. Lewis. 6^th grade. 3 years. Sharing similar last names we were always seated next to each other, and in English he’d poke me with a pencil until I caused a scene. We played basketball together at lunch, and shared secrets on field trip bus rides, but when he didn’t ask me to dance at our 8^th grade formal I knew I deserved better.
4. JT. 7^th grade. 2 Years. I loved that he was always alone. He played bassoon and my friends made fun of him. By the time I was tough enough to stand up to them, he had moved on.
5. Zak. 8^th grade. 3 months. A new kid, his sexy blonde hair was the talk of the school. He was quiet, and deaf, so naturally I was in love. In a typical display of flirtation, my friend and I put glue in his hair and he lost it. I kept my distance after that.
6. Jacob. Rekindled 9^th grade. 10 years. When our schools funneled back into one high school we were reunited, and my childhood love came back as pudgy, quiet, dorky perfection. But by the time we were seniors my affections were no longer unique since he’d grown out of his middle school fat and turned into a hunk of burning love with a personality of gold and guitar skills to boot. But snooze you lose, he and his perfect wife are married now.
7. Zack. 9^th grade. 3 years. A year older than me, Zack was nothing special to look at, but he was passionate about theatre. He spent his weekends running shows and stayed late after school working with the light board, it was the first time I’d seen anyone love anything that much and it was attractive. He didn’t have many friends and dismissed people until they proved themselves worthy. I craved his approval and once I got it there was no going back.
8. Corey. 9^th grade. A few months here and there. Loud, outgoing and popular, he was the first guy to really make a move. On New Year’s Eve he kept me in a room alone too long and I learned what it was to almost say yes.
9. Dutch. 10^th Grade. 2 months. Dutch was an ass hole. But I loved his name. And his lips.
10. Charlie. 11^th grade. 1 year. A year older, he was the outspoken, blonde, hippie in my ethics class who I seriously considered following to U of Oregon. His arguments against wearing uniforms in schools still warm my memories.
11. Josh. 10^th grade. 3 months. I know NOTHING about this kid. Everything I learned about him was contradictory; he had friends but no one knew who, he was smart but failing, ugly but attractive, a bad boy who could be sweet. We never spoke, but he knew I knew him.
12. Will, 11^th grade. 1 year. Oh boy, Will. More often high than not, Will was a lazy senior in my AP Physics class who sat in the back and copied other people’s work. None of that stopped me, however, from spending 90% of my class time turned around staring.
13. Mike. 11^th grade. 6 months. I don’t think I, or anyone, ever heard him speak more than 12 words. But quiet was my type and on basketball bus trips I let my imagination run wild.
14. Tyler. 12^th grade. 2 months. We were friends all throughout high school and it was nice when he told me that I’d make some guy really happy someday. But this one time I watched him rock climb shirtless and friendship turned to an obsession with his back muscles. I crushed for a good 2 months.
15. Kelsey. 12^th grade. 3 years. Kelsey was the first guy to tell me I was beautiful, though he was also my friend’s engaged, 30 year old cousin who lived in a different state. We got to know each other over a week long river trip and I was never the same. I even invented a make out session so my friends would understand how much he meant to me.
16. Kevin. 12^th grade. 3 years. My bold friends invited ourselves to the ski condo he and his friends had rented for spring break and I never thought that Kevin, or Mr. Obvious as I called him (he was so obviously good looking), would ever pick me over any of them. But for those few days we just fit and the last thing he told my friend before he left was, “man, I was going to have tall beautiful basketball playing babies with that girl.”
17. Kevin. College Orientation. 2 months. We hit it off talking about basketball and stayed late talking-the next day he even saved me a seat. I ran into to him (as in my face ran into his chest) a week later and the crush was sealed, but freshman lives get busy and…I met Sam.
18. Sam. Freshman year. 2 years. He was in all my classes and I spent countless math lectures staring at his magnificent brow, far too many crew workouts drooling over his shirtless body, and not enough time relishing the way he stepped over me to get to his seat. By the end of the quarter we were actual friends and over the years I talked to him at basketball games, but there were times he was so out of my league I couldn’t breathe.
19. Quyen. Freshman year. 2 years. Well… this wasn’t any old crush, but if anyone makes this list, it’s him. The short version of the story is we were friends for two years but I wanted more. Once it happened we combusted and it took another 2+ years to get over. Don’t worry, this isn’t the last you’ll hear of him or his hands.
20. Arendt. Freshman year. 4 years. He was my sexy, hipsterish, mountain man philosophy TA who I saw making out with one of my classmates and decided there was hope. What followed were years of bumping into him on campus and taking his classes just to watch him gesture, all culminating in a drunken St. Patrick’s day when we ran into him on the street and my unsuspecting friend made him take a picture with us. It’s the best picture ever.
21. Luke. Sophomore year. 3 months. He was the older, grumpy chef at my summer job. Within days I’d won him over and he told me secrets, did me favors and pulled me aside. The others were afraid of him, he wasn’t happy with his girlfriend and he said he’d miss me when I’d go.
22. Keagan. Sophomore year. 6 months. There was something sexy about the way he raised his hand in our political science class and when he argued I wanted to jump him.
23. Rainbow Runner. Sophomore year. 1 year. I first saw him running. He was wearing what looked like rainbow swim trunks and a rainbow bandanna and when I realized he lived on my dorm floor interest turned to full blown crush. He was always alone and on Sundays he would lounge in the common room in a way so suggestive I still flush thinking about it.
24. Crew boy. Sophomore year. 1 year. Tall, big nose, kind of an ass. We never spoke but he noticed me and pretty soon I noticed him. For a while I saw him on campus almost daily and we had some serious eye sex..
25. Nick. Sophomore year. 1 year. Nick was a friend of a friend who was cool in the best nerdy way. Maybe it was because I was so attracted to him or maybe it’s just because we had nothing in common but almost every word out of our mouths offended or went over the head of the other. I found out later he thought I hated him. We’ve since patched things up but I still maintain our lack of compatibility must mean we’re perfect.
26. Champ. Sophomore year. 6 months. Well, this is another long story that hinges on Quyen more than anything, but the gist of it is, only insanity can come from studying abroad with a guy who looks and reminds you of the guy you’ve crushed on for the previous two years. Greek moonlight doesn’t help either.
27. Lauren. Junior year. 6 months. Lauren was Champs off and on girlfriend. We bonded talking about him (and Quyen) online and my attachment to her crossed over into the realm of infatuation. I stepped back to protect my own sanity.
28. Max. Junior year. 3 years off and on. A few years younger than me, Max is a friend of the family that I’ve grown up with. On a camping trip our sibling like teasing turned to flirting and ever since there’s been something there. I know in real life I wouldn’t want him but I can’t deny that the dream of merging our families is hard to ignore and that I look forward to holidays muhc more.
29. Will. Junior year. 2 months. Another TA-type crush, Will was struggling to find what makes him happy and I was willing to bet it would be me.
30. Issak. Senior year. 1 month. All it took was a suspender wearing yearbook photo and I was hooked. I left him a secret admirer note with my number in his hometown and when he didn’t leave a message the magic passed.
31. Simon. Junior year. 3 years. My friend’s unbelievably handsome older brother is the the only guy to ever make me swoon. We bonded when they took me in for Thanksgiving and ever since I’ve had to actively force myself not throw myself at him.
32. Kellen. Junior year. 3 months. Not all crushes are on good guys. Kellen was my friend’s boyfriend who she was too insecure to break up with. He treated her terribly, but when he hit on me I struggled to say no, and it was only after a slew of inappropriate instances that he was finally out of our lives for good.
33. Dustin. Junior year. 1 year. Dustin was the subject of my first real sex dream and though I barely knew him after that there was no going back.
34. Brian. Junior year. 2 months. Another friend’s cousin, he and I shared a dance and some hand holding on our spring break trip to Vegas. I couldn’t resist his tall and dopey charm, but just when we were about to cross the line he was pulled to take care of my drunken friend and just like that, our window was gone.
35. Bball Coach. Post College. 6 months. I coached the high school freshman girl’s team and he coached the boys. I bet we only spoke twice and I can’t even remember his name, but he’ll always be on my team.
36. Isaac. Post College. 2 months. Just because he was a senior in high school didn’t mean I couldn’t light up every time I saw him at our summer job.
37. Mike. Post College. 1 month. Also a summer coworker, you may remember him from an earlier post. He was in an unhappy relationship and maybe I was just the person to wreck it for good.
38. Eric. Post college. 1 month and counting. I walked on air the night after we met, he’d spent the day setting up my new computer at the office and he told me how he’s taking night classes in zoology so he can move on from this maintenance job. Sadly, hope was lost when I found out (from someone else) that he is happily married with adorable young kids. But that isn’t going to stop me from celebrating when I see an error window pop up on my screen.

Honorable Mentions

1. SPIDERMAN. Nuff said.
2. Dickon from Secret Garden. He talks to animals and helps the flowers grow. Come on.
3. Oliver Wood from Harry Potter. That accent was a 13 year old’s…wood.
4. Hugh Dancy. This actor is my mister Darcy-a little awkward, a little off, but genuine and wild in all the right places.
5. Darren Criss from Glee. I first saw his magic in his A Very Potter Musical days, but a few flawless moments on Glee have pushed him over the edge.
6. Rufio from Hook. A bad boy who knows how to crow and kneel? Done deal.
7. Diego Luna  (and his best friend Gael Garcia Bernal). If you haven’t seen Dirty Dancing Havana Nights then you don’t know what I’m talking about.
8. Michael Cera from Juno. He just wanted to love her. And eat some tick-tacs
9. Joe Jonas from Camp Rock fan fiction. I know. I know. I should be ashamed. But after watching the movie because I could and being less than impressed with the ending, I went searching for a better one. Boy was I left satisfied.
10. In the interest of full disclosure I also have a few entirely made up characters. Nathan the sexy stalker, Owen the simple foreigner and Wes the Wisconsin farm hand.

So there you have it. My pride. My shame. My glory. I’ve crushed a total of 594 months (50 years) on 38 real crushes, averaging 16 months per crush. Counting the 9 famous and 3 imaginary, my count comes to an even 50 and I’m sure there’s a boatload I’ve forgotten. It seems I like quiet guys, who need to be saved from their terrible relationships as long as there is an inevitable ending waiting in the wings. The forbidden is also a common motif as well as the it’s so wrong it’s right, and when it comes to your relatives, it is probably best to keep them from me.

Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head, I’ve had every type of crush in the book. And while there are many I cringe to look back on, I can’t think of one I want to live without. Crushing has taught me what I like, who I want to be; I’ve learned how to communicate and focus on what’s important; I’ve even learned how to let go of something I care about. And while I can’t deny that these one sided relationships aren’t the ideal, and that maybe, in the greater scheme of things I’m missing something, I still know that a crush can be as life altering as any reciprocated relationship.

So as for a nice wrap up to the end of this post, I’m not quite sure what to tell you. I know that these crushes weren’t foolish. Many of them were real connections between two people who weren’t right for each other in important ways but fit perfectly in others. I know that certain qualities are attractive to me, but they aren’t requirements. And I know that as painful as it was to let these people go, I’ll stand by them forever. They are my crushes, and you know what, I did love them.