A field guide to growing up without growing apart
Hello! It feels like forever since I last posted, funny how that seems to be the theme we’ve got going lately, all of us princesses sort of putting this old blog on the back burner while real life takes all our attention. We’ve been at […]
Man I love menfolk.
It’s not that I don’t love women (female empowerment forever!), but I also just really (really) enjoy men, and as a result of spending the last few weekends in the company of more of the opposite sex than usual, I’m reminded how unbalanced my current social circle is, and just how delicate it will be to balance it out in the future. Is it possible for men and women to really be friends?
I work hard to keep the friends I have, spending easily 20 hours a week on internet/phone communication and another ten or so in person with the ones who live close. Friendships are a priority in my life and while I’ve gone in and out of periods where many of my in-person friends are male, the majority of long-term and close friends have always been women. Girls and I just get along. And men… men are complicated.
Okay, so more like opposite attraction relationships are complicated. Sure, we can choose to assume things are platonic and spend quality time together, but sooner or later that penis thing always gets involved. Who wants to spend their time worrying about the nature of a friendship? Does he like me too much? Do I like him like that? Will doing this make him think that I like him? Have I crossed the line? Ugh. Complicated.
But there have to be times when male-female friendships don’t always end in drama, right? Some of my favorite moments have been Y chromosome heavy; three of my closest friends on a study abroad semester were men and in college I played on a Frisbee team where it was just me and the boys. I even work at an engineering company where I am the only girl on my entire floor. Surely it’s feasible to extend these short term friendships to more permanent arrangements.
And what about relatives? This weekend I was the only girl in my group of seven twenty-something cousins, spending our nights drinking beer and playing board games. For Thanksgiving we hosted 28 people, most of whom were the sons and daughters of my parent’s friends that I’ve grown up with, boys I’ve known since infancy. Even living with Snow last year was made even more awesome because I got to know her hubby.
Are these the men I can surround myself with and not worry about complicating? The kind I can call and stay connected to without feeling like I’m hitting on them, the kind I can just enjoy without consequence? Can we have adventures and share ideas, talk about sports and hike outside, and then hug each other goodbye like I do my girl friends? Can we stay close friends long term? I want to say yes, because it sucks to think that random body parts influence our lifestyle, but… well… sort of?
One of my guy friends from college came to stay with me for Sundance last year and we had a blast, neither of us allowing our relationship to cross over, but I still felt the drama, still felt the slightest edge where I’d double check my outfit before coming out of my room. At Thanksgiving I flirted my ass off with the younger brothers I’d grown up with, now suddenly men and taller than me. Even this weekend I felt myself drawn to one of my adopted cousins; we aren’t related by blood so a little flattery is okay, right? How tight is too tight to hug your cousin? Lines definitely get blurred, extenuating circumstances or not.
It doesn’t help my case for wanting male friends that both of the ‘relationships’ I’ve had have grown out of platonic friendships. Things happen whether or not we plan for them, and a large part of me knows that asking for male friends is asking for trouble. Guy friends are best kept situational; opposite attraction friendships complicate too easily when we share intimate details.
Friendships don’t work without sharing ourselves, but relationships start by sharing them as well. I don’t want to hurt or be hurt; so spending as little time with men as possible makes life less complicated.
But is less complicated really how I want to spend my life?
Maybe the moral of this post is that part of the reason I like spending time with men is BECAUSE the flirting is there, not in spite of it. I know, of course, that all the things I like about men can also be found in many women, that guys don’t own the monopoly on action, adventure, knowledge and easy silence.
But I also know that even with the most awesome of girl friends I’d still be lacking that little something extra, that fun tension that may or may not mean a little something more. And I guess to me that risk of collapse is worth it, because we all need a little excitement in our lives. Especially when we’re young. A little playful teasing is good for the soul, whether the two of you plan to take it further or not.
It’s Thanksgiving! And there is no better time to thank all the wonderful people and bloggers who’ve inspired and supported us over our first year of blogging. We’re so appreciative for this online community and incredibly shocked by the amount of love we’ve received from […]
I woke up this morning to an email from an old… flame, and I… I don’t really know how I want to process it. Really long story sort of short (read: remember that data project I was working on?), he and I became close during […]
It’s my birthday! And Cindy’s birthday! And we’re turning 25. Holy. Crap.
This time last year Cindy wrote a beautiful ode to our twinship, explaining how learning of our shared birthday has become such an important part of our lives since. This year I wanted to return the love, taking a second to express my gratitude to the universe for allowing me to share a birthday with a friend, especially her.
When I was younger my birthday was the best event of the year. My creative parents allowed me to dream big, putting together epic pie baking events, dress up performances and jewelry box decorating bliss. One year we had a scavenger hunt at the airport, running from terminal to terminal to find a purple suitcase or a photograph of 4 or more people and another birthday we rode the light rail train in circles while we played games and got to know the big city. I even remember my dad making me a PVC pipe teepee for my Pocahontas-themed party one year, my mother helping us make our own fringe covered purses to tote around proudly. Back then birthdays were things to be celebrated, excuses for all your friends to come together to celebrate you (and the Spice Girls), but once you hit high school all that changes.
Suddenly it is no longer cool to plan birthday adventures, and even if you do, good luck getting all of your friends to agree to join in. Jessica can’t stand Brittany and Katie would never have fun doing that, besides, Sally doesn’t have any time anyway. In high school I’d be lucky if I got four or five people together to see a movie and go get ice cream, much less trap all my friends in one room to do something really awesome.
And let’s not forget the added pressure we feel as we’re taught to apologize for getting ‘older.’ All we want to do when we’re younger is grow up and become the people we’re meant to be, but with little warning that optimism is crushed, unexpectedly turned on its head as people remind you again and again that aging is bad. Sure you want your driver’s license and to be 21 so you can go to those cool concerts, but you also know that it’s all downhill from there – birthdays only bringing you closer and closer to the end of your youth ( i.e. the end of your happiness). In high school you learn your birthday is no longer an accomplishment; instead it becomes something to avoid, something you’ve done wrong.
I had low birthday expectations when I moved away for college since my birthday came around only a month in, leaving me with limited time to build my friend group or hope for any type of celebration. Had Cindy not taken me in and allowed me to crash her party my day would have gone something like, “Hey, I’m Booty, want to be my friend and celebrate my birthday even though we just met!?” Instead we ate funfetti and had our first twin competition (wii tennis is intense!), bonding over much more than a shared day of birth and our love of basketball. It was the day I knew I’d found friends I’d have for a while, a turning point in the way my life would go from there on out, a birthday I love to remember.
Ever since I’ve found myself looking forward to our shared birthday, excited to know that no matter how the year went I’d always have someone to celebrate with. And celebrate we did, taking groups of friends out to dinners and bars, exploring arcades and running through city fountains. We stayed up until midnight to buy our first bottle of alcohol together and even stayed in to paint our stomachs on our 22nd just because we’d always wanted to. With Cindy by my side we recreated those birthday adventures of my youth in even more wonderful ways, allowing ourselves to dream big because we had a guaranteed partner, a guaranteed reason to celebrate.
The year after we graduated, Cindy’s soon to be fiancé asked me to help him propose on our birthday, planning an elaborate scavenger hunt and flying in from out of town to surprise her with a ring. I agreed wholeheartedly of course, though admittedly there were moments I was worried that this new anniversary would infringe on our special day. We were already feeling the pressure of graduation and moving forward with out lives, would the loss of this connection make things even harder?
But everything turned out perfectly, because his elaborate proposal allowed me and Cindy (and Snow) to share a day of adventure that I’ll always cherish. When I think of that day, I think of all the fun we had running around Seattle following his clues and enjoying each other. I think of the beautiful photos I got to take of my friend on one of the happiest days of her life. I think of how much I love her and how grateful I am to be her twin.
This year I miss her more than ever, but without her I’ve realized how important it is to ask for what I want on my birthday. No longer do adventures just fall into place, and no longer can I settle for a lame high school get together full of drama. So instead I made the choice to turn 25 in style, spending last weekend in Seattle, visiting Snow and catching up with college friends. Last night I organized a birthday dinner with some old friends who I never get to see and I leave to visit my cousin in Denver tomorrow. It is definitely an overwhelming week, but if not on your birthday when else do you do the things you want?
So thank you world, for giving me a beautiful reason to look forward to my birthday. My twin is an easy reminder that I’ll always have someone to celebrate with, that getting older will always be an accomplishment and that birthdays are a great excuse to do the things you’ve always wanted. I’m so glad to know her. Love you Cindy.
OUR QUARTER LIFE CRISIS IS HERE! In the spirit of me and Cindy turning 25 in a few days, I’ve asked the girls to discuss their Quarter Life Crisis for November’s Condition of The Month. Maybe it has to do with Thanksgiving gratefulness, or maybe […]
So this one time I spent 21 days with 10 other people river rafting the Grand Canyon and it was epic. Long story shortish: Due to the 17 day government shutdown all the National Parks were closed and all hikers, visitor center people, bikers and […]
Hey there Princesses, I’m alive! And hello there to all you readers of our little blog that helps us 20-somethings stay in touch! It feels like our audience has doubled in the last few weeks I’ve been off the grid and though we get little to no comments from you kids, I’m glad to see you’re reading anyway. And really, that is the beauty of blogs isn’t it? That we are writing whether or not anyone is reading. At the core of this I’m writing for myself, but by extension I get to keep in touch with three of my favorite friends and also maybe possibly make a connection or share a thought with someone else out there. Even if it’s only one of you. It is nice to imagine (and see!) that you’re there.
I can’t believe it’s been over a year and we haven’t properly addressed you folks yet, though I suppose I call you Kids sometimes, but I call everyone kid. I think it is high time we set a name for you guys (and gals. probably mostly gals). So if we’re Naughty Princesses then you can be our… Saucy Subjects? Flirty Followers? Raunchy Readers?
The thing is none of us Princesses are really that naughty and our blog is really more about being 20-something than some sort of Disney distortion. The naughty names are kind of an afterthought, a fun thing we did one time that has more to do with the bond the four of us share than the complicated connotations the words elicit. The only reason we even used them in the first place was to make sure we could keep this space safe from judgement and filters. If I thought my mother could find this I wouldn’t have written half the things I did, if Snow or Cindy’s husband was reading this, I wonder how much less honest they’d have been about their relationships. This is a unique space to voice our 20-something thoughts to a few people we trust and a few strangers we hope to share some connection with. What do we call people that we’d love to find common ground with but also hope to keep our identities secret from?
I’m glad we’ve kept this blog from the other people we love, but now that we’re hitting the one year mark I’m definitely starting to feel the cost that brings. I’m proud of many of the posts we’ve written and it is difficult not to share them, difficult not to tell the people in my life what I spend much of my time on. Is it possible to keep this going in the same way it’s been? What would it mean to open this up to people we love, to people we know? Is that the only way to really continue this blog long term?
I’m mostly good for now, and to be honest I recently started a less anonymous blog of my own that I’m sure will help curb my desires to share this blogging part of my life with people besides my Princess loves and you 20-Something Conditioners. TSCers. Condition Readers. Ah this name things is hard!
So don’t worry, nothing is changing yet, but time goes quickly and as much as we’d like them to, things can’t stay the same. Just look how much I missed in the 21 days I was gone. Cindy got two new jobs, Snow’s hubby moved across the nation for a new career and Red over there is kicking British Airways’ booty (If you’d been in the USA I’m sure you would have fixed the government shutdown much sooner). My life is in overdrive as well; we’ll see if I even manage a post to tell you guys about my trip down the Grand Canyon (yeah right, of course I’ll make time to tell you kids).
Things are changing fast, and I want to take a second to appreciate that this blog exists and to share how incredibly happy I am to be a part of it. Thanks for reading Friends (Conditioners, Super Strangers, Magnificent Members(dirty!), Party People?), I can’t wait to see what happens next.
Well hello there blog world! I don’t have much time this week since I’m packing for a rafting trip this weekend (heading down to Cataract Canyon in Moab for four days of river bliss) but that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten about you! The last few […]
So I went to Las Vegas for a friend of a friend’s birthday this weekend and if there is only one thing you ever learn from me it’s that you are the ONLY person who can make your expectations a reality. My expectations were low […]
Come January I’m getting on a plane and crossing the Atlantic. I have no idea where I’ll end up, how long I’ll stay or really why I’m going. I know I have/need/want to go but I’m having trouble explaining WHY to myself and others. In Part 1 of this post I tried to explain how important figuring out this WHY is and how I’ll need more than a ‘because I can’ to justify this trip. Here are just a few (okay a lot) of the ways to find meaning in my adventure that I’ve thought of in the last few weeks. All of them are close but not quite right. If you think of any more PLEASE let me know.
Ways to Find Purpose in 20-Something Travel:
Pilgrimage. I don’t really identify myself with any particular religion so a spiritual journey to the holy land is out (besides I’m pretty sure the Mormons got it right with Zion), but I could trace my lineage. My ancestors are a Scandinavian melting pot and I’d love to see Denmark, maybe even meet some distant relatives, but is that enough of a justification for a trip? Sure double checking my already graphed genealogy might be interesting, but will it really make a difference in my life? Would my time be better spent elsewhere?
Here is what I want. I want to wake up in the morning and have more to do than sight see. I want to have interesting reasons to talk to strangers and goals that push me out of my comfort zone. I want to set up a meeting with a scientist I found in Budapest or jump on a train with some new friends because they know of a cave that has glow in the dark fish. I want to have a plan that I can decide whether or not to deviate from. I want to have a goal that can evolve as I go. I’m thinking big, I know. But if not now, when? Any advice on finding purpose and meaning in your wanderings? Why have you or your friends traveled? How did they justify it to their friends and family? How did they justify it to themselves?