When you get married, there are all sorts of cliches and pieces of advice that people love to spout at you. “Cherish every moment”, “Eventually, the honeymoon ends”, “It’s all about compromise”, “The first year is the hardest”, “You have to grow together”, “Always fight naked”, etc. etc. People love to talk and share, but the reality is that none of them are actually able to put into words what the transition period actually looks like. And for every couple, I’m sure its a little different. Well I’m here to tell you about my transition. And a lot of it has to do with constantly being faced with my own selfishness.
Now, I’m not talking about a childish kind of selfishness where you don’t want to share your toys with others and you whine all the time. I’m talking about the kind of selfishness that comes from being used to living your life in the way that you choose without having to consult anyone. When you get married, all of that changes and its not always an easy revelation. Its not that I feel my husband and I have huge issues with this all the time, but it is just something that comes up in many little ways. As soon as I get up in the morning I want to get ready and get going. But he just wants to relax in bed for a couple hours. Now, of course we can reach a middle ground in a situation like this, but being so used to just doing things the way I want to, my initial reaction is often the selfish one in which I demand that he stop being lazy and get up because I want to do something. Now of course, I recognize that this is not the loving way to act, and I’m usually able to suppress it. But the fact that this selfish instinct is so ingrained and keeps fighting so hard to win out shocks me. You never realize how used to getting your own way you are until your life suddenly becomes joint property with someone else. Changing your habits is a long uphill battle, and selfishness is the battle I’m currently fighting.
Luckily I have a husband who understands this, and is generally very patient with me. And of course he has the same struggle sometimes. I’m not saying any of this to scare you, or to make you think that my marriage is in trouble, I just think its something that people should be aware of. We are all more prone to selfishness than we are probably aware of. You may find the same thing just by having to deal with a roommate. I know that in our hearts, most of us probably wish to be a kind, loving person who puts others above themselves, but putting that into practice and making it a daily habit can be a lot harder than it seems. I don’t want to be a downer or have people think lowly of themselves, but I don’t want to sugarcoat either. The fact is, we all have an instinct to be selfish, and we should be aware of it.
We’re on the same brainwave. I wrote a post about “selfishness” earlier today, making the case that it’s natural and even healthy in the twenties. I think you make a great point that’s also a habit that takes a while to break free from. Nice post.
I feel ya, SW. For me it’s usually an internal battle. Like if we’re sharing a bowl of ice cream, the whole time I’m angling to get the bites with the most nuts and fudge, and then when there’s one bite left I’m like, “Oh snap, only one bite left. I should let him have it…but I REALLY wanna eat it.” But while this dilemma is happening in my mind, he’ll usually scoop it up for me and say, “Here, you have it.” And I’m like, “Well-played, Husband. Well-played.”
I totally get it. My live-in boyfriend is similar to your husband in that he can spend hours online or playing video games in the mornings, while I’m jumping around saying, “What should we do today?!?!?” And my selfishness actually is the childish kind on occasion. Like Cinderslut, it usually has to do with food.
I like to stock up when I go to the grocery store because I hate going to the grocery store. But it doesn’t matter if I buy one can of Pringles or two, they’ll be gone within a week. I like to ration my food, so this bothers me a lot even though I know it shouldn’t. I usually just bite my tongue. I’ve also starting buying foods he doesn’t like so I have them all to my self. Muhahahaha! I am the worst.