Condition of the Month- September

Fear. It’s something everyone is familiar with, and something that all twentysomething’s definitely struggle with on a daily basis. This month we’re opening up and letting you in on what fears plague us most.

I think my biggest fear right now is that I don’t have what it takes. I know that’s vague and could mean a lot of things, and it does mean a lot of different things to me.

I see all these people who are aggressive about making their careers take off, or their travel plans come true, and then I look at my life and what I’ve done and the fear starts to gnaw at me. Am I doing enough? Should I put myself out there more? Am I just settling? I have job that’s fine, but not challenging, and not in the area I dreamed about when I graduated college. I enjoy it, but when I see people who get these ridiculously awesome opportunities to teach abroad, or work for a non profit, I start to feel inadequate. And I worry that I haven’t tried hard enough.  I applied to some awesome opportunities when I graduated, but none of them worked out. So why does it seem like it’s worked out for everyone else? That’s when the fear comes in. I must not be good enough. I don’t have the gumption, the aggressive nature, the go-getter spirit, that makes people pay attention and want me to be a part of their cause.

And then I think about the future and the fear spirals out of control sometimes. It goes from I don’t have what it takes, to I’ll never have what it takes. I see myself staying in the same place, not accomplishing anything, while all around me people are living the dream of seeing the world.  And the fear paralyzes me. I don’t want to apply for more things because  I only see it ending in rejection.  I would just travel the world myself, but that requires finances that I don’t have right now, and don’t see myself having available anytime in the near future.  So instead, I battle this fear of inadequacy, and try not to let it win.

I work really hard not to let fear influence my life. Whenever I feel afraid I try my best to push past it, proving to myself and others that fear is rarely justified. Sure I let the occasional spider freak me out, but other times I consciously let her go and choose to believe she’ll leave me alone. I don’t want to live my life wary of strangers, heights, needles, men, germs, death, sharks, public speaking, or heavy machinery; so while those things may scare me, I know they’ll never stop me from doing the things I want to do.

The only things we’re really afraid of are the fears that bring us to inaction, the things that stop us from moving forward. I know this because I’m afraid to make a choice about my future, so much so that I’ve just straight up avoided it for going on two years now.

There are so many wonderful things going on in the world, so many different routes I can take to fill my time, how on earth am I supposed to choose the best one for me? I don’t want my future self to look around at her life and wish I’d made different choices for her. I’m so afraid to break my own heart that I’m afraid to choose anything at all.

My answer to this month’s question is undeniably FOMO, the Fear Of Missing Out, and since I don’t know how to choose one career or friendship or home that I can guarantee myself I’ll be completely happy with later, I haven’t really chosen any – leaving myself in this strange state of limbo that I’m beginning to see has FOMO consequences of its own.

Part of me knows that this fear will always be with me, that I’ll never really be certain I’m doing what’s best, but a new part of me is attempting to really truly believe that wherever I am is where I’m meant to be. Sure, I’m not loving my job right now, but I’m also saving up money to have the time of my life traveling around Europe this spring, not to mention I’ll still have enough to contribute to my retirement accounts. Yes, I haven’t already produced my first feature film, but I have graduated from college with majors I’m proud of. Maybe when I’m 30 I’ll only be an intern for PBS, but I’ll have had 5 more years of adventures to prepare me for it.

When I look back at my life so far, I’m not disappointed in myself, the only thing I KNOW for sure, is that this fear that keeps me from trying new things and putting myself out there will hurt future me, much much more than choosing a path and deciding whether or not to follow it later.

What do I fear?  Well, balloons, rapists, and being burnt at the stake definitely make the list.  I think at some point I read one too many young-adult first-person narratives about Joan of Arc.  However, luckily, most of those fears don’t come up often in my daily life- especially as I do whatever I can to avoid interactions with the dreaded balloon.  My daily life instead is ruled by more subtle fears, fears of things like confrontation and disappointing the people I love.

I feel like sometimes having someone important in my life disapproving of me or being angry with me is one of the scariest things I have to face.  I worry that this fear keeps me from following my ideals and doing what I know is right.  Too often I have sacrificed the truth in order to avoid conflict .  It doesn’t help that some people in my life are particularly full of strong opinions, but I would respect myself more if I were better at fighting for what I believe.   I know that my friends and family love me, and that they will love me even if I do or think something different from them, so really I shouldn’t worry as much as I do about not rocking the boat. Sometimes rocking the boat is important.  And deep inside, I know that.  But it is still a really scary thing for me to do.

I am afraid of people. That’s right, my very own species can absolutely terrify me! Potential employers, new students, neighbors I haven’t met yet, bank tellers, taxi drivers, doctors, my husband’s extended family…the list is endless. Of course, I’m not afraid of everyone in the world, but I do get awfully nervous when it comes to starting a conversation, meeting someone new, or entering into an unfamiliar situation.

I blame this tendency on my introverted nature, and the fact that my somewhat-socially-awkward family didn’t force me to get out there and learn how to interact with strangers when I was young. Selling Easter candy and magazine subscriptions door-to-door for the elementary school fundraiser was pure torture…so I often brought along my more loquacious (and adorable) younger brother and made him do the talking. In my adult life making phone calls to the bank or the cable company has been equally stressful, although I’ve made at least some progress in that area (mostly because dealing with Comcast representatives makes me so angry I completely forget my fear).

Mostly, I’m insecure and therefore tend to believe that people won’t like me. It takes me a while to make good friends, like the Princesses, so I dread beginning that process anew. I’ve been dealing with this fear a lot lately. How do I meet people that have things in common with me? If I invite people over, will they come? What if the Principal here has no intention of ever hiring me? Just writing this is stressing me out! I wish I were more outgoing and friendly, but it’s really hard for me. Yep, I’m pretty sure the thought of overcoming this represents my biggest fear in life right now.