I’m Too Old For This Sh**

If any of you have watched much of How I Met Your Mother, you already know exactly where I’m going with this post. In one episode, Ted talks about the character Murtaugh from Lethal Weapon. One of his most famous lines is “I’m too old for this shit.” In appreciation of this character’s realistic outlook, Ted creates what he dubs his “Murtaugh List,” a list of things that he is too old to do or deal with anymore.

Well I know that the Princesses just recently discussed the things that still make us feel like a child, but I’ve got to tell you that I’ve been relating to Ted more and more over the past couple weeks. I know I’m still pretty young, significantly younger than the HIMYM characters even, but I can’t tell you how many times recently that I’ve thought “I’m too old for this shit.” Maybe I’m just going through a grumpy phase, but in the spirit of Ted Mosby, I’m giving you my very own Murtaugh list.

1. I am too old to deal with people who are fake and passive aggressive. I’m sorry that you have the emotional maturity of a pouty 12 year old, but that is not my problem. Either have the guts to actually tell me what’s bothering you, and be mad at me when you’re mad at me, or go home.

2. I am too old to stay out past midnight. I know that there are actually people who are older than me and have no problem staying out late, but I do. If that clock gets past 11pm and I’m not in pajamas yet, there’s going to be some serious groaning on my part. I’ve never been much of a late night person, but now that I’m out of college it’s even worse. This year, when I woke up on New Years after having gone to bed at 1:30am, I was only half functioning the entire day.

3. I am too old to not care about what I eat. When I was in college, one of my main food groups was Mac and Cheese. I would binge on funfetti cake with my fellow princesses on a semi regular basis, sometimes after scarfing a Chipotle burrito. But even though it’s only been a couple years since college, I can not even attempt doing that to my body anymore without drastic consequences. I went to a super bowl party on Sunday, and in the true American spirit, I ate my weight in nachos. It was the worst thing I could have done. I couldn’t sleep that night because of the heartburn that was radiating through my body, and the stomach sickness that comes from over eating. When I am not responsible, my body revolts on me.

4. I am too old to not own a bed frame. For the entire first year of my marriage, our mattress sat directly on the floor. It was cold, it looked tacky, and it wasn’t comfortable. My husband didn’t really have a problem with it, but it ate at me constantly. Finally, with some birthday money I received I convinced him to take me to Ikea. Now I know Ikea is cheap, and it’s not the classiest, but honestly it doesn’t matter. Just having the mattress raised that extra foot makes a world of difference. I rest easy now and I don’t think I could ever go back.

5. I am too old to get “wasted.” I actually don’t know that I’ve ever fit into the definition of “wasted” as I have never been a big drinker. But either way, I feel way too old for it. I have coworkers who I party with sometimes, and they usually drink a lot. But then I see them the next day at work, and they just look and feel like death. No thank you.  Why would someone who knows that they have to get up for a full day of work do that to themselves? I am sorry to all the party people out there, but even at the sprightly age of 25, I know I am too old for that and my body will not thank me for it.

6. I am too old to be in a mosh pit during a concert. I’m not a teenager trying to prove how hardcore I am, so I don’t see any valid reason to to spend two hours being shoved around by a bunch of sweaty people. I want to actually enjoy the concert I spent so much money to be at, and having a drunk girl grind on me kind of ruins that.

I’m sure as I near the dreaded 30 my Murtaugh list will grow. What’s on your list?