Condition of the Month-September

As the weather cools and the air starts to crisp, the princesses are starting to think about the change of seasons. I often find Fall to be one the most contemplative times of the year for me. So this month, we talk about the seasons of our lives. What metaphoric season are each of us in right now, and how are we faring?

What is my life season? I guess I feel like I am always passing through multiple seasons in my life at a given time. Some have just started, some are almost finished. I guess if I had to put a label on one, I would say I am in a season of maturing. Or maybe I should say the season of trying-to-mature…  I suppose we are always maturing on one level or another, but I feel that in the last six months or so I have been putting a lot of energy into assessing my character and my values. I just turned 25 a few days ago, and I feel like— if there is a way I want to be, or a person I want to become, now is the time. I am a full grown adult now, and the excuse of being a kid is gone. As a twenty-something, we need to become the person we want to become, or else there is risk we will never get there. For me, what does that mean? It means caring less what people think. It means doing more to use my money in a good way, to give to charity, to be generous to others. It means using my time better. I am not saying I am doing great on all these things, but I am trying to take steps in the right direction. More than ever before I feel that now is the time to be who you want to be. In the words of wise Senaca: “All things that are still to come lie in uncertainty; live straightway!”

I feel like I am in a season of waiting and patience. And unfortunately I hate both of those things. I know that it is an opportunity to learn and grow, blah blah blah, but it gets tiring. I’m waiting for my husband to find steady work and finally be doing something that makes him happy. Meanwhile, I am waiting in my oftentimes frustrating job because I feel like I can’t do anything to risk losing our one steady income. I’m waiting for us to have enough money to get a better apartment, to buy a car, to be able to travel like we both want to so desperately. And I don’t know when this waiting will end. I’ve been working a lot on finding things to bring us joy during the waiting, and that has made things better. We’ve had a very full summer. Even though I haven’t had any time off, we’ve managed weekend trips to the beach, or to visit friends, or just explore new things in our own city. We’ve done more hiking and have started to work out together to get in shape. But even though I’m trying to make the most of this season, in the end, being patient sucks. I know that it will pay off eventually, and that part of being an adult is learning to delay gratification, but I can’t help feeling that I’ve been delayed enough.

Now that I’m back from gallivanting around Europe, this summer I’ve had to wrap my head around living and working and playing with people who I don’t say goodbye to in less than a week. Since I’ll be staying in one place for the foreseeable future, it feels like I’m entering the Season of Commitment. In the last few weeks I’ve not only made promises but also been tested to keep them, and while already I’ve questioned my resolve on more than a few choices I’ve made, I’ve also decided that it’s important to be a person of my word. I want to stand by what I say and what I do, to be trustworthy and strong. My summer work schedule has been less than predictable, so I’ve had to pass on many things that I would have jumped at on my trip, committing to being a responsible employee. I’ve been powering through last minute Maid of Honor duties while also agreeing to be another in June. I’ve spent long days finishing a quilt for someone I promised one to two years ago and bought a ticket to travel with a friend to Chicago in October. I call when I say I will and drive far away when I need to. I’ve even stuck through growing out my slightly darker blonde roots and agreed to move out of my parents’ house and in with a few friends in Salt Lake City in a few weeks, promising to spend a year in the same place and actually pay rent. That’s the biggest commitment I’ve made in a long time, and while I haven’t yet been asked to stick to it, I know when the time comes I will, because right now, my word matters to me, and if I don’t like it I need to learn how be less free with my promises. The biggest thing left on my to do list is to find a job for October and beyond, which will seriously stretch my commitment muscles. Not to mention staying in one place will force me to maybe reconsider the boyfriend issue. I even started to consider laser eye correction, hello commitment of being able to see! So while part of me misses being able to wake up in the morning and choose my plans for the day on a whim, it’s actually been incredibly rewarding these last few months to make plans with people and stick to them, proving to myself that I’m strong, serious and yes, sometimes stupid.

I’m learning a lot already from this season of life, and I can’t wait to see what comes next. It’s kind of funny to think about seasons when I live in a land of perpetual summer. These days people are starting to talk about fall, and pumpkin spice lattes, and leaves changing…all things I won’t be experiencing any time soon. But I digress. If I had to name the season I’m in right now, I’d call it the Dawn of the Golden Age. Epic, right? This month marks the commencement of something I’ve been looking forward to for a long time: being done with my education, done with student teaching, done with long-distance marriage, and gainfully employed. Though I’ve had some great jobs in the past couple of years, they’ve been broken up by moves and travel in such a way that I haven’t felt settled and stable for a while. There have been periods of unemployment, job-hunting, and then, once I had a job lined up, just months of waiting before the new school year finally began. But now I’m teaching great kids, making a reasonable (though certainly not extravagant) salary, and I have no plans to be uprooted in the next two years. Knock on wood… I’m also relishing the thought that this, right now, is one of the best times of my life. I’m loving just being able to do what I want and spend quality time with my husband. No kids, no pets, not even a car! When else in my life will I be able to be so untethered? At the same time, I know those days will be fleeting, so it makes them seem extra golden at the moment. Even if my new school is a bit of a nuthouse at the moment, I know I’m where I need to be, and I’m honestly excited for the months, and hopefully years, of stability that lie ahead. Just me, the love of my life, a dream job, and day after day of sunshine.