I am very content with my life. Other than the fact that I live far away from friends and family, I couldn’t imagine a better life than the one I have. Yay me, right? I sound well-adjusted, happy, and grateful for my blessings, right? Well, that maybe how I feel the majority of the time, but there are still occasions where the Green-Eyed Monster pops up and makes me think that I am missing something in my life. That life will only be perfect once I get…that thing I don’t have, whatever that is at the moment.
This happened recently when a colleague of mine quit suddenly to take a better job at a school closer to where he (and I) live. Basically there are two schools within an hour’s drive of where I live. School number one is a five minute walk from my house, pays 2-3 times better than where I work now, and is generally renowned as a great school. School number 2 is a 30-45 minute drive away, pays less, and generally has more issues. I work at school number 2.
Why do I work there? Well, it is very competitive and difficult to get hired at school number one, so I was happy to accept a job at school number two. And I love it! I have great students, tiny classes, and I am appreciated by my administrators and colleagues. So if I am loving my job, why did I become so jealous in an instant when I heard that my colleague (we’ll call him Bobby) had jumped ship?
I was peeved that Bobby had abandoned our school with little to no notice. I was envious that he would suddenly be making more than any of us, despite the fact that he was not a superior teacher. Suddenly, although I generally liked my job and was completely content, I was wishing for more. I was imagining the five minute commute, the cushy maternity leave and other benefits, the chance to bolster my resume with a more impressive assignment…
I had to check myself quickly as the resentment welled up. I reminded myself that I had everything I needed, plus more. After calming down a bit and thinking about it more, I realize that I am where I am for a reason. If the opportunity to switch schools comes in the future, great, but for now I should be SO joyful and thankful to have the job that I have.
What’s the thing that you sometimes find yourself longing for, even though you don’t need it? And how do you deal with that ugly feeling when it does arise?
The green-eyed monster visits me every time any of my colleague does better than me. I know it’s petty and I shouldn’t but I end up comparing myself to that person to see if I could’ve landed better than the colleague.
Although, I don’t think the feeling ever goes away. I can push it down, sure. But it doesn’t go away completely. I guess I’m just a bad person that way. 😛
I get jealous every time someone I know lands an academic job. I am happy for them too- but somewhere deep inside there is at least a little bit of jealousy.
Like you, there are tons of blessings where I am right now. I am in a great PhD program— and having a wonderful time! I should just be content and happy where I am. But in the back of my mind there is a little bit of worry- what if I don’t get an awesome position coming out of this? What if my research is just not as sellable as person x’s? And that is where the jealousy starts to leak in…
But I try to keep it under control. I want to rejoice with others when they get cool offers! And not be slinking along silently grumpy in the background.