Depression and mental health are topics that we’re warned about during our teens, you know, those sensitive and formative years when everyone’s a bit angsty. But it seems to me that I’ve personally known more people struggling with these mental issues in my twenties than I ever did as a teen. Lately this topic has been on my mind because of two family members, each of whom is struggling against a unique form of darkness.
I’ve posted about my youngest brother several times—the insecure, introverted one who dropped out of college two years ago and has been struggling to find himself ever since. These days he’s made a lot of progress (I think) by enrolling at a community college, doing well in his classes, and, most recently, getting his first job. However, whenever I talk with him, which is seldom these days, I can tell that he still isn’t happy—to the point that he’s wondered aloud to me whether there is any purpose to life at all. Occasionally I’ll get a long-winded, dramatic, and emotional message from him bemoaning all his troubles in life: no girlfriend, no friends, living with the parents, no money, no goals in life, etc. He’s blinded to how fortunate he is to have a supportive family who has been paying his way, well, forever. He’s unaware of how lucky he is to have a second chance at school and a new job. He longs for “freedom” and talks about buying a motorcycle, traveling the country, and writing the great American novel. But he isn’t willing or able to make these dreams, if they are his dreams, a reality. I know what he really needs is purpose in life and a community of friends, but those aren’t things anyone else can wrap up in a box and give to him. As his sister and confidante, this puts me in a tough place. How can I help? What can I do, other than listen and pray he doesn’t lose hope enough to kill himself?
Then there’s my sister-in-law. We aren’t that close since I’ve lived abroad ever since joining the family, but from the beginning she was described to me as being “needy.” Not being around much, I don’t see her quirks in action, but from reports from other family members I know she’s easily offended, struggles with boredom and depression, and is not very self-reliant. She’s now a mom to three young boys, which seems to overwhelm her in her current role as a stay-at-home parent. Most recently, she was hospitalized because of peculiar symptoms like dizziness and vision problems, but doctors found nothing wrong. She seems somewhat better now, but has banned herself from driving because “she doesn’t trust herself.” Again, everything I know about this has come through the filter of my mother-in-law, but it has definitely been suggested that these symptoms are all in her mind, perhaps a ploy for attention or another way to justify more household and babysitting help for herself. Again, what can I do as a concerned family member? I can’t just tell her to tough it out—motherhood is hard, deal with it! But I’m also not sure how to support her, especially from so far away. It does seem that her mental stability is coming into question more frequently over time, and what will that mean for the future?
For those of us “of sound mind,” I think it’s challenging to truly empathize with these people. For them, darkness and depression are an everyday, unavoidable reality, a trap from which it feels like there is no escape. Simultaneously I know none of us are immune to mental health issues—just the other day my husband read a news story about a “perfectly normal and happy” twenty-something who spiraled into depression and eventually committed suicide. It’s unfathomable to think that could happen to me, but I don’t want to be naïve. I also don’t want to be cynical and heartless, which is how I tend to lean, especially when it comes to my brother. Any tips for helping these people? For acknowledging their struggles without validating unhealthy behavior? For supporting without judging?
Thanks for the post Cindy. I’ve felt that same way a ton the last few years – shocked that more of my friends are depressed now than I ever knew of when we were younger. It scares me a bit to hear of how many people I know are on some type of medication – probability wise it is really difficult for me to accept that even 10% of the US/world population was born with mental problems that can be helped by medication. And I can easily say that at least 20% of the people I know are on or have been on some sort of anti depression meds. As I grow up I do see that there are cases where medication helps, but to me – it’s all in their heads.
I worry about your brother and I wish there was some magic thing we could do to help him figure out who he wants to become. My brother acted similarly last year, calling me on my Europe trip and sufficiently scaring me that I could lose him. He’s struggled with depression off and on his entire life – but in the last year he’s come leaps and strides forward. I can’t say for sure what it was that has helped him – maybe just growing up or finally making it through college, something I was never sure he would do. I’ll always worry about him and part of me is fearful that he’s just gotten better at hiding his sadness, but I’m just so grateful he got this far without medication. To me taking a pill everyday just reinforces that there is a problem, that a person is different or unhappy or unsuccessful. He’s earned everything he has on his own – I think that is what your brother needs. To find something he can do and do it. Once he has one thing to stand on the rest will fall in line.