If I ever have a daughter, I know this dilemma will be many years away yet, but it’s something that’s been on my mind several times recently as I watch the fledgling lives of some of my friends and relatives’ children. As kids reach school-age, they inevitably want to start participating in various activities, and as a parent, it will be my job to help determine which hobbies/sports/activities my kids will do. Right? Or, perhaps you’re thinking, “Who are you to dictate your children’s interests? Just let them choose their own fun and follow their own passions!” Well, that all sounds well and good until your child develops an interest in something that you not only don’t love yourself, but that you are afraid might be harmful.
Lately I’ve seen quite a few photos on Facebook from one of my acquaintances, a former coworker who has two daughters, ages 4 and 6. Her daughters have recently gotten very into dance: taking lessons, having performances, and posing for these photos in their (admittedly, adorable) dance outfits. But as cute as they look with their hair all done up in little buns and sprayed with glitter and with lace and sparkles and ruffles everywhere, it also gives me the heebie-jeebies to see girls this young who are so good at, well, posing. It’s like they’re already super aware of their appearance, hence the special hair-style, shiny lipgloss, etc. And then there are the poses themselves. I saw one a few weeks back in which both girls were posing wearing black leggings and little sports bras. I didn’t even know they made sports bras for kids that small! It was cute, and they had their legs lifted up in the air like legitimate little cheer-leaders or ballerinas. But something still felt wrong. Then I saw another photo the other day. This time the girls were in their dance recital outfits and striking a pose: hand on the hip, hip thrown out, head cocked to the side, mischievous little grin…it looked like the same pose drunk girls would do outside a club in Vegas, or how sorority sisters would pose—all wearing the same tiny cocktail dress of course. I can’t deny that the girls are adorable, and I know their mother is a great person and very well-meaning. But I also know I wouldn’t want to see my daughter defaulting into sexy poses when she was only 6 years old.
But what does any of this have to do with taking dance lessons? Certainly if you monitored the appropriateness of their costumes and the routines, there wouldn’t be anything wrong with little girls learning how to dance, right? Well, I know I’m treading on controversial ground here, because Snow grew up studying dance, and she is a perfectly empowered woman I respect. However, even though I do know people whose lives have been enriched by their love for dance, I will still try to steer my daughters away from that activity—and here’s why.
I am dubious about sports/activities that teach girls to value their appearance too much. Dance, cheer-leading, and pageants would all fall into this category (with pageants clearly being the worst). I believe that growing up, girls will struggle enough with their self-esteem and the way they look, without having their primary hobby be something that demands that they look a certain way. I would much, much rather see them pursue a sport that teaches them to value physical strength, mental toughness, and teamwork. It doesn’t have to be any of the sports I myself loved as a kid— they can try soccer, lacrosse, swimming, or forget sports altogether and just study piano like there’s no tomorrow—it won’t matter to me. But I don’t want to find my 6-year-old pinching her baby fat and crying when her leotard doesn’t look quite right. I’d rather find her covered in dirt from playing with the boys.
I super agree. Girls have enough pressure on their appearance as is, they don’t need to be thinking about it when they’re 8. And we totally have the power to dictate what our kids like. I’ll be supportive if they don’t like something I like, but I’ll also do my best to discourage something I don’t like.
That being said I love the idea of dance. So you think you can dance is one of my favorite tv shows because you see how much the people who are up there love it. Dance is fun and athletic and epic in so many ways, and I want my daughter to be able to do it. But I know I’ll have to work my ass off to make sure she isn’t hurt by the appearance side of it. Dance is beautiful when you’re strong and dedicated enough to do the moves. Not when you glitter your face and cock your hips.
I kind of disagree with this. I agree with the main idea, that we shouldn’t encourage little girls to care about more about their apperance. However, I am really unsure that most dance does do this. I myself took ballet lessons for about five years (between kindergarten and fifth grade) and it never made me feel self conscious about my body or particularly interested in my attire. For me, the challenge of ballet was all about learning to control your body— in much a similar way to gymnastics or martial arts— it was physical skill and not about posing or looking ‘pretty’. To be honest, I was never very good at ballet. Too akward, too clumsy. But I do think that my years in ballet helped me become more graceful and limber.
Of course, I am not saying that dance couldn’t have some of the effects you mentioned— any thing performative (dance, theater, etc) can make have the result of making you extra-conscious about how you look. But I do think it is perhaps unfair to single out dance as having mostly bad effects. Too me, dance is a an art; it is something beautiful. And if I had a daughter or son who loved dance for its beauty, I would encourage them in it.
I totally understand your concerns and I think they are valid, I just have two things to say in response.
One: It all depends on where they take dance lessons. I’m sure there are plenty of studios that value appearance and do not promote healthy body image, and those should be avoided. However, that is not all studios, and it was not my studio. In fact, everything I learned about female empowerment growing up, I learned from my dance teacher. She had almost been a professional dancer and dealt with all the pressure and judging and anorexia, and got tired of it and decided to leave that world and promote dance in a different way. She always told us that it didn’t matter what you looked like, if you loved to dance and your heart was in it, that was the most beautiful thing imaginable. I can’t begin to describe the positive impact she had on my life.
Secondly, I’m here to tell you that you can steer your child in another direction all you want, but if dancing is really what they want, it will be hard to stop them. My mom made me do baseball for 4 years, hoping I would decide I liked sports as well as ballet and maybe focus on them instead. It didn’t work and I refused to miss any ballet for baseball, meaning I would come to practice late with my tights in under my uniform. She then tried to make me learn the piano. I wouldn’t practice and my heart wasn’t in it. I wanted to move, I had to. Sometimes kids know what they want. I don’t know what your kids’ passion will be, but sometimes you just have to roll with it