Hi blog friends! It’s been awhile. I just got back from a fantastic trip home to Seattle, and I’m settling back into real life here, but I wanted to tell you about an interesting conversation I had the other day.
My hubby and I attended a dinner in honor of his coworker’s new baby, and I found myself chatting with the young wife of another one of his colleagues. They just got married a few months ago, and she moved from Canada to join him here in the Sandbox. I can obviously relate to this scenario, and since they’re both Canadian (though Indian by descent) I was eager to talk to her, hoping we’d have more in common than I do with most of the other women at this heavily Arab event.
She asked me about my job (which I love to talk about) and we discussed how she’d applied to do a Master’s at the university here but hadn’t been accepted. That led me to ask her how she spends her days, since she isn’t working, isn’t in school, and doesn’t have kids. This was her response:
“Well, I get up and make breakfast for him, and then I usually start on lunch. He comes home for lunch around 11:30 and we eat together, and then I might watch a show or do some house stuff in the afternoon before starting on dinner.”
I was shocked. Though granted this is pretty much a wife’s job description in a lot of parts of the world (and has been for many centuries, minus the TV part) it still surprised me that a modern, educated woman would respond this way, and sound pretty content with it. After all, this is a woman who has a degree in Biochemistry from a well-respected Canadian university.
She explained that she really didn’t know how to cook much before she got married, so she’s been devoting time to learning that, which I think is great. I enjoy cooking for my man (or myself, or anyone) too. But even in the times I’ve been unemployed or off of work, though I might do the majority of the cooking and housework, I would never settle for that. There’s blogging, reading, exercise, Skype dates and coffee dates with friends, and a million hobbies and forms of self-improvement that I haven’t even dabbled in yet.
I really hope I hid my judgy face after she said that. It’s not even so much that I’m judging her as it is…I’m just surprised. I know what it’s like to be overwhelmed with setting up a household in a foreign country where you have no friends. I also know there’s great accomplishment in taking care of a house, cooking delicious meals, and doing it well. But I think I’ve been conditioned to think, “I have to DO something with my life, with my time,” like it’s all a big competition to see who can be the most productive.
I hope, for her sake, that she finds a job or a hobby. But even if she doesn’t, if she’s happy with that, there’s no reason I shouldn’t be happy for her. I’ve been living in this conservative culture for more than 3 years now, so I’m not sure why things like this still surprise me.
I feel this way all the time. Especially lately when my unemployed and recently graduated brother says things like, “I’m bored.”
I can’t remember the last time I was genuinely bored. Sure there were times I knew of things I needed to do but didn’t want to do them so I sat around and wasted the day. But those days are rare, and boredom isn’t what I would call that.
I get vegging out, tv is addictive and it’s fun to talk to people about later. But even that has some sort of value in it if you’re accomplishing a task that will make your conversations later, better.
Maybe your friend just needs to take a few months off and then she’ll get her groove back, and I agree taking care of a house is a full time job if you make it one. So many awesome projects so little time!
Is it selfish of someone to want to have that life though? Is it irresponsible to not pursue a career and assume your husband will provide for you the rest of your days? Or do we honor work and careers too highly?
Personally, I don’t see it as selfish at all– especially if you have kids. That doesn’t make it something I would really want, however. For me, cooking, cleaning, decorating, etc doesn’t sound nearly as fun as what I normally get to do during the day. But people are different and enjoy different things– I’d say that if you love that sort of thing, and the family can afford it, there should be no problem with staying home.