A field guide to growing up without growing apart
“My only influence was through moral suasion,” said the late C. Everett Koop, America’s highest profile surgeon general, who with little more than a warning convinced a nation to rally against smoking. He made no new laws, searched no homes and attacked no amendments and […]
So I’ve faced mortality this week. A whole boatload of it. And to be honest I’m not sure what I’ve learned. Or how I feel. Hopefully we’ll figure something out together. It began with putting our family dog down on Saturday. Rhoda is (was) our […]
So this whole working for my dad thing is complicated.
The major things are great. We get along ridiculously well and when we get home we don’t bolt to opposite corners of the house. My mom isn’t too jealous of the time we spend together and I even have someone to gossip with about my ridiculous coworkers. So what’s the problem? Allow me to explain in basketball metaphors.
Let’s say I’m a freshman college basketball player and my dad is my coach. He takes me on knowing this will only be temporary until I manage to transfer to D1, but we’ll agree that it was the best thing for me. On the first day of practice I might feel a little inadequate, like the only reason I made the team is because he knows me. Sure he’s seen me practicing when none of the other scouts were looking, but still, I bet the rest of the team is pretty skeptical of what I can do. I know I’ll have to work harder to prove I belong, but it’s fine, I’m ready.
A few days later I’ll be in charge of analyzing the stats and setting up the court for practice. Yeah, he should have hired an assistant to do it but it teaches me more about the game and makes me feel useful. He’ll even give me the passwords to his scouting reports because he already knows he can trust me. Usually only seniors are allowed to help with that.
I’ll get a few minutes of playing time the first game and be thrilled that I didn’t mess anything up. I might even make a block or two. It will feel like I’m settling into my place and I’ll start to realize I’m just as good as everyone else, albeit majorly inexperienced playing in games like this.
One of the other freshmen will grow to trust me and tell me she doesn’t like to play point guard. On the way home from practice it will come up in conversation and I won’t think twice about telling my dad about her aversion. I’ll feel guilty when she sits the bench most of the next game.
A few weeks into the season there will be a snow storm that makes it difficult to get to practice. My dad will trust me to work out at home while the rest of the team braves the storm to get to practice. I won’t enjoy my commute-free day because I’ll be worried the rest of the team thinks I’m taking advantage.
The other freshmen will start to see me as a leader and the seniors will invite me to lunch. I’ll sort of try to invite the other freshmen along but I’ll end up hanging with the seniors alone.
My dad will have no problem putting me in for any player at any position. Everyone else will only play one position.
I’ll stop trying to force myself to call him coach around my other teammates and resign to calling him dad. My teammates will follow suit when they talk about him with me.
I’ll practice really hard to be ready for an important game and my dad won’t play me at all. I’ll feel overlooked and unjustly set aside. I think to myself I’d be getting more playing time with another team.
I play terribly during the next practice, even the other freshmen are more on top of it than I am. He never tells me off in front of the others but once we’re at home he’ll make sure I bring it next time.
The next game he won’t play me at all again and I’ll be fine with it. That is until it’s tied with 4 seconds left on the clock and he calls my name. I won’t feel ready or deserving to sub a senior out, but he’ll put me in anyway. I’ll make the game winning shot. The crowd will go wild.
With the championship coming up my dad will start losing focus. I’ll put things I would usually ask for one on one help with aside and figure them out myself to not distract him. I’ll take the lead at a few practices saying Coach told me you should practice zone defense when really he just forgot to make a practice plan at all.
During a game I’ll make a stupid foul and when he calls me to the bench he’ll apologize for not explicitly explaining how to avoid that. I’ll know that another coach would have blamed me.
The next game I’ll be cocky, over playing and taking more shots than I should. One of the juniors will stop passing to me even when I’m open. I’ll back off and after a few more games the junior will start to trust me again.
We’ll win the championship because clearly we’re the best. I’ll feel like I’m part of something awesome, like maybe this could be where I stay my whole college career.
But a recruiter will catch my eye and suggest I take a look at their program. He won’t promise anything but I’ll be tempted anyway; his program is a better fit for me and in a better location. But I’ll say no out of loyalty; I can’t bail on the team that gave me a chance. I won’t bail on my dad even though I’d probably be more successful elsewhere.
We’ll have a few weeks off before we start training again. I’ll remember what it is like to not be a basketball player at all. I’ll stay out late and work on craft projects. I’ll almost convince myself that I’d be happier not playing anywhere, but I know I’d rather feel proud of my hard work than comfortable in monotony.
At the end of break I’ll find the courage to ask my dad how he’d feel if I transferred next season and he’ll tell me to do what I think is best. He knows it is my life. But he’ll be sad. He’ll say he thought we had another season together. I’ll seriously consider staying for good.
A few days ago my dad casually mentioned I’d get to be in charge of an awesome project IF I stayed through July. He sounded so cautious, like he didn’t want to scare me away with mention of the future. So even though I immediately assured him I really hope I get to do that too, I felt guilty for all the times I’d ranted to him about whether or not to work here. Yes, he is my dad and I should be able to take to him about the decisions of my life, but he is also the guy who worked really hard to build up this company I’m not always super kind to. So I’m working on it, working on the balance. And hopefully one of these days I’ll get it right. Blerg. That ended up sadder than I intended, but I guess that is because it is. I’m sad that I’m not somewhere else living in a big house with 20-something dancing on rooftops and taking over the world, but it also makes me sad to think about leaving my parents and this company which I know is really one of the good ones. I want to be everywhere all at once! Blerg. I know, I know it will be fine. My family will always love me and I’ll make the most of whatever I choose…
Naughty Princesses Assemble! We’ve been at this whole blogging thing for a few months now (so far so good??) and I figured it was time you folks learned a bit more about the four of us and why we go by the pseudonyms we do! […]
Confession: I love being put on hold. I know I know, the dreaded hold is the low of your day, the place you get sent when a company isn’t going to help you, the wasted time spent listening to overplayed Rascal Flatts, the costly minutes […]
Why hello there dearest friends, long time no see! I know it’s only been two weeks but doesn’t it feel like more? It’s like I don’t even know you anymore! So much has changed! Dare I say we live in a Whole New World?!
Okay, okay, so nothing has really changed. I’ve still got an office job, still living at home with my parents, still have no clue what to do with my life. Guns are still a hot topic, America is still overweight and airplanes are still a billion times safer than cars. But just because the big things haven’t changed doesn’t mean new and exciting things aren’t happening elsewhere! Like my brain! So to catch you up on the places my mind has been the last few weeks, here are
Ten Things I Think Are Awesome (lately) (in no particular order) (and including but not limited to):
Geology – Rocks rule. When I was younger, rocks were my number one interest; science projects and camping outings were all about rocks all the time. Over time I let my interest slip and now I know little to nothing about this giant pile of awesome we call home. But I want that to change. Doesn’t it sound amazing to be able to identify rock layers and travel around to collect the billions of specimens? I’d wear a big white hat and wander around the world breaking open geodes and analyzing dirt with magic science machines. If anyone wants to pay me to go back to college and/or grad school, I promise to send you samples.
Dame Maggie Smith – Oh my, I know my fellow naughty princesses haven’t been watching Downton Abbey but for those of you that have, can we just gush a little about the epicness that is Dame Maggie Smith?! She rocks those one liners out every time she is on screen and after all the melodramatic plot twists this season I can honestly say the only reason I’m still watching is her. She is the granny everyone wishes they had, the mother you want to impress and the young woman you would have been friends with. Sometimes she makes me laugh so hard I fall out of my seat. Miss Maggie lights up the silver screen as well in my all time favorite movies Hook and The Secret Garden, not to mention her expert turn as McGonagall while concurrently battling breast cancer and not ageing at all. I swear she is a super human who will live forever and continue saving the world one boring person at a time.
21 Day Grand Canyon Rafting Trip – River trips are nothing new for me. My family and friends have been going on week long trips every summer since before I can remember. We pack up all our gear and live off the boat for a week, camping and navigating the rapids with little more than a map and a groover (I dare you to click). But this year our friend has done the impossible and snagged a 21 day permit to raft the Grand Canyon in October. The Grand is a different beast, 3 times as long, rapids double the size and permits so rare that people wait their whole lives for the chance to raft it. So yes, I’m more than excited; I’m flerbbin’ flabbergasted. The problem is I’m not on the short list since I prefer NOT to be responsible for rowing my own raft through mile high rapids (though my brute strength, vast working knowledge and high caliber entertainment value places me solidly second tier). So I’ve got to plan my campaign for inclusion wisely and while October seems miles away, when it comes to the Grand I will get there by any means necessary.
Quilting – Have I told you about my quilting yet?! It’s been my major winter project to combine over 50 t-shirts into one giant king-size quilt. I’ve been saving t’s since I was a kid (hoarder in training) and when I moved home I knew this was my chance to capitalize on the time, space and my mother’s sewing machine. In my head this was going to be a two month project, though now it has turned into 4 months and counting. Last weekend I finally got all the squares sewn together and now I’m working on making the border out of the tiny logos. Who knew quilting was so involved?! But guess what, I LOVE IT. I learn something new every day and come sometime soon I’ll have a t-shirt quilt that will last…until it gets ripped or peed on.
The Dead Sea, Jordan – I know the Lumineers are big right now so forgive me for pretentiously name dropping a semi-less-known song off their album, but Dead Sea has completely taken over my life as of late. The lyric goes, “You’re like the dead sea, the nicest thing you ever said to me. I’ll never sink when you are with me, you’re like the dead sea.” And maybe it’s because I just saw a Sundance film about Jordan or maybe it’s because one of my closest friends grew up there or maybe it’s because Cinderslut has promised to meet me there sometime soon, but whatever the reason the Dead Sea and this song has fantastically rocked my world. It also doesn’t hurt that the song details the choices of the traveling girl I hope I can be.
Spiderman – Yup, officially not over this Andrew Garfield/Spiderman/Emma Stone/Gwen Stacey thing. I want to be and be with all of them all at once. Will real life ever match the magic that is that group’s awesomeness?!
Artsy Fartsy Film Making – So I was thinking the other day (I know, right?!), wouldn’t it be interesting to make a film where the actors never speak? There have been silent movies and subtitles and movies that don’t need a lot of dialogue, but lately I’ve been imagining a person telling a story, narrating it in a voice over, that is sort of watching the action unfold as they describe it. For example, when a narrator is talking about a conversation between two characters the film would show the emotions on the characters faces but wouldn’t show the actual dialogue. Neither actor would be mouthing words, but they would be demonstrating what their faces would be doing had they been speaking. We’d see shots of them looking at each other, looking down, looking back all as the narrator says, “he tried to explain but every time I looked at him I saw her face.” Or in a lighter scene a mother would be pointing to her son’s dinner plate with a stern look as the narrator said, “To her, watching me eat those peas was more satisfying than any straight A I could bring home.” It’s going to be a sensation. I know I’m a genius, one day the world will too.
Live music – I went to go watch my friend’s boyfriend play drums with his band Friday night and it was AWESOME. I forgot how much fun bars can be with good friends, good music and space to dance.
Les Miserables – So I finally saw the movie (I left work early on Friday to meet my large buttery popcorn bucket at the theatre). And like everyone else, I have quite a few things to say about it. But my story begins with my elementary school brain seeing the unforgettably amazing Les Mis poster and getting the impression the musical was a retelling of A Little Princess (It makes sense though a sad lonely girl being found by her father). The rest of my childhood is littered with magical appearances of this poster and convoluted explanations of plot and song, so unintelligible in fact that for a time I believed that the girl in the poster was me in another dimension, (really I did). It wasn’t until college when I stumbled upon the Liam Neeson film version at the library and realized that Victor Hugo had written a book which had become the musical which had repopularized the book which has .become countless film versions which has now finally become a musical film with super big name actors. My life was changed and after I bucked up and bought choice seats to the musical when it came to Seattle last year at long last I finally understood the show I’d grownup with but never known. Since then I’ve seen it all (haven’t read the book, but it will come) and am a self proclaimed expert. In the interest of keeping this short I’ll only say 3 things about this newest rendition:
And last but not least.. Who are we kidding THIS IS ALWAYS AWESOME
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Wow. Where to start… The last week has been insanely hard on me. My feet are covered in blisters, I can barely keep my eyes open, and there were moments where I felt so inconsequential it was heart breaking. But this week was also incredible; I learned so much about the world and myself and after seeing so many stories brought to life I am overwhelmed at trying to pick just one tell you. I grew up here in Park City and I feel like Sundance is something like my heritage. And while this film festival has meant different things to me over the years, it has always felt like an old friend, coming to visit and help me live in a way I usually wouldn’t. This is the first year I’ve lived at home since high school and being a local for Sundance again reminded me how much this town is part of me. So here follows, in no particular order, and in the form of the ever-astounding list, the things I learned over the first 7 days of Sundance 2013.
Day 1 (Thursday):
Day 2 (Friday):
Day 3 (Saturday):
Day 4 (Sunday):
Day 5 (Monday):
Day 6 (Tuesday):
Day 7 (Wednesday):
Jack Kerouac created something beautiful but he didn’t live a beautiful life. We saw Big Sur tonight and while it was shot perfectly and hearing Kerouac’s language was mesmerizing, the film didn’t paint a picture of a person I want anything to do with.
And it’s not over yet. 5 more days and countless more films to go!
Hello! This week’s post is going to be short and sweet (a rarity for me…), since I’m fresh off a fantastic weekend with our favorite Merskank and I’m flat out exhausted. It was WONDERFUL to have a fellow princess come stay (especially one who suggests […]
My name is Sleeping Booty and I’m a crusher. A few days ago I read a psychology study circulating the internet that claimed a crush lasting over 4 months crosses over into the territory of love. While I’m not sure I agree, it still got […]
If you haven’t gotten the point by now; I’m loving living at home. There are tons of expected perks (free food, rent, an endless supply of craft supplies) but there have been even more unexpected ones too, like my mother waking up early to hug me goodbye in the morning and my dad’s spontaneous engineering projects (let’s see what we can build from only craigslist materials!). Hell I don’t even do much laundry and sometimes they slip me a 20 just for being around. Yup, life is good, and there ain’t no way I’m moving out anytime soon. So I was all the more surprised when my dad caught me off guard the other night with a bit of bad news.
“Sleeping Booty,” he said (okay he didn’t really call me that, but go with me here). “Sleeping Booty, so can I tell you what’s really been making me stressed this week?” It was about 11:30pm on a Thursday, and we were just leaving The Pub, the place he and his basketball team have gone after every game for the last 20 years. I’ve gone watched him play for as long as I can remember, but in the last few years I’ve started tagging along to sip a few beers with my team of crazy uncles and hear stories about the good old days. This time they spent most of the night giving me crap for living at home and working with my dad, but we also got to hear some sordid stories from “El Postido,” their 55-year-old Latino point guard who’s only a few months from retiring from his 30 year run as a mail-man(hence Postido). It’s an outstanding group, and I know that they’re still together is one of the greatest joys of my dad’s life.
I was apprehensive as I nodded and waited for him to finish. I knew he’d had a rough week writing employee reviews, but in his slightly intoxicated state I was worried what he’d reveal. “My health,” he said defeated, “it’s not as good as I want it to be.” Guys, let me tell you, that is the worst sentence you can ever utter to your family and one of the scariest to hear. I held it together because I wanted to know what was going on, but had I been the one drinking instead of him I would have lost it, most likely taking off in a full on sprint.
Thankfully, it isn’t the worst case scenario like I thought. He’s more worried about the general pitfalls of getting older and letting down his team. He hurt his hand in a game last week and is afraid to tell the guys the swelling hasn’t gone down. He also has been having neck problems that just won’t quit and when he turns his head certain ways the nerves in his arm tingle.
Now really, he’s fine; no cancer, no degeneration, no hospitals. But this idea of my father generally wearing out hit a nerve with me. And it didn’t help that I had just read an article about taller people’s likelihood of dying young. My mind raced the entire car ride home, what if he has a stroke and has to relearn everything? What if he can’t be active with his friends? What if my kids don’t get to meet him? When did I start worrying about him like I am responsible?
I know I’m overreacting; his dad is a few days from celebrating his 99th birthday for crying out loud. He’s probably going to be the bane of my existence until I’m 75. Really, I’ve got nothing to worry about.
But I’m starting to understand why my mom is still so upset about her dad’s death a few months ago. A world without my dad just seems unacceptable, like it wouldn’t function properly. What would his friends do? How would they replace him at work? Why would I ever get out of bed? It is hard to imagine all the people that wouldn’t get to know him.
Maybe I would be better off taking the ‘out of sight out of mind’ approach, moving out and just hearing about the highlights over the phone. He’s had knee trouble before, and I didn’t worry at all; it sure is easier that way. But this time I’m front and center and he’s got no time to hide or distance to soften the blows. Even with my mom things are different, suddenly I’m ‘great at keeping secrets’ and ‘just the person’ she can say things to. I never used to be the one she shared things with, but now I’m mostly grown, trying to help with things I never expected. I like it, but sometimes, you know, I’m just dealing with things way beyond my maturity level. This is a whole new dynamic, seeing a vulnerable side to my parents, one that I’m not sure I’m ready for.
So when did I become 24, watching my dog hop around on 3 paws, hearing about my mother’s insecurities and seeing the tears in my dad’s eyes as he thinks about letting down his team? Living at home is hard, and part of my wants to go back to just being their daughter (much more time to listen to my 90’s albums). But then again, I know I’m going to look back on this in a few years and be so glad I spent this time with my parents. Because for the first time I’m getting to know them as people and not just the caretakers I used to need.
p.s. El Postido totally got invited in by an open-robed postal patron. Rumors have to come from somewhere.