A field guide to growing up without growing apart
Patience has never been one of my strong suits. I know that it’s a virtue and all that, but knowing doesn’t make having patience any easier. This is a struggle I’ve dealt with pretty much my whole life, but it’s been coming to the surface […]
Fall is here! According to my facebook newsfeed, that means it’s time for everyone to freak the hell out because pumpkin spice lattes are back in Starbucks. But for me, it just means a hopeful season of change. At least I hope so. I’ve been […]
Fear. It’s something everyone is familiar with, and something that all twentysomething’s definitely struggle with on a daily basis. This month we’re opening up and letting you in on what fears plague us most.
I think my biggest fear right now is that I don’t have what it takes. I know that’s vague and could mean a lot of things, and it does mean a lot of different things to me.
I see all these people who are aggressive about making their careers take off, or their travel plans come true, and then I look at my life and what I’ve done and the fear starts to gnaw at me. Am I doing enough? Should I put myself out there more? Am I just settling? I have job that’s fine, but not challenging, and not in the area I dreamed about when I graduated college. I enjoy it, but when I see people who get these ridiculously awesome opportunities to teach abroad, or work for a non profit, I start to feel inadequate. And I worry that I haven’t tried hard enough. I applied to some awesome opportunities when I graduated, but none of them worked out. So why does it seem like it’s worked out for everyone else? That’s when the fear comes in. I must not be good enough. I don’t have the gumption, the aggressive nature, the go-getter spirit, that makes people pay attention and want me to be a part of their cause.
And then I think about the future and the fear spirals out of control sometimes. It goes from I don’t have what it takes, to I’ll never have what it takes. I see myself staying in the same place, not accomplishing anything, while all around me people are living the dream of seeing the world. And the fear paralyzes me. I don’t want to apply for more things because I only see it ending in rejection. I would just travel the world myself, but that requires finances that I don’t have right now, and don’t see myself having available anytime in the near future. So instead, I battle this fear of inadequacy, and try not to let it win.
I work really hard not to let fear influence my life. Whenever I feel afraid I try my best to push past it, proving to myself and others that fear is rarely justified. Sure I let the occasional spider freak me out, but other times I consciously let her go and choose to believe she’ll leave me alone. I don’t want to live my life wary of strangers, heights, needles, men, germs, death, sharks, public speaking, or heavy machinery; so while those things may scare me, I know they’ll never stop me from doing the things I want to do.
The only things we’re really afraid of are the fears that bring us to inaction, the things that stop us from moving forward. I know this because I’m afraid to make a choice about my future, so much so that I’ve just straight up avoided it for going on two years now.
There are so many wonderful things going on in the world, so many different routes I can take to fill my time, how on earth am I supposed to choose the best one for me? I don’t want my future self to look around at her life and wish I’d made different choices for her. I’m so afraid to break my own heart that I’m afraid to choose anything at all.
My answer to this month’s question is undeniably FOMO, the Fear Of Missing Out, and since I don’t know how to choose one career or friendship or home that I can guarantee myself I’ll be completely happy with later, I haven’t really chosen any – leaving myself in this strange state of limbo that I’m beginning to see has FOMO consequences of its own.
Part of me knows that this fear will always be with me, that I’ll never really be certain I’m doing what’s best, but a new part of me is attempting to really truly believe that wherever I am is where I’m meant to be. Sure, I’m not loving my job right now, but I’m also saving up money to have the time of my life traveling around Europe this spring, not to mention I’ll still have enough to contribute to my retirement accounts. Yes, I haven’t already produced my first feature film, but I have graduated from college with majors I’m proud of. Maybe when I’m 30 I’ll only be an intern for PBS, but I’ll have had 5 more years of adventures to prepare me for it.
When I look back at my life so far, I’m not disappointed in myself, the only thing I KNOW for sure, is that this fear that keeps me from trying new things and putting myself out there will hurt future me, much much more than choosing a path and deciding whether or not to follow it later.
What do I fear? Well, balloons, rapists, and being burnt at the stake definitely make the list. I think at some point I read one too many young-adult first-person narratives about Joan of Arc. However, luckily, most of those fears don’t come up often in my daily life- especially as I do whatever I can to avoid interactions with the dreaded balloon. My daily life instead is ruled by more subtle fears, fears of things like confrontation and disappointing the people I love.
I feel like sometimes having someone important in my life disapproving of me or being angry with me is one of the scariest things I have to face. I worry that this fear keeps me from following my ideals and doing what I know is right. Too often I have sacrificed the truth in order to avoid conflict . It doesn’t help that some people in my life are particularly full of strong opinions, but I would respect myself more if I were better at fighting for what I believe. I know that my friends and family love me, and that they will love me even if I do or think something different from them, so really I shouldn’t worry as much as I do about not rocking the boat. Sometimes rocking the boat is important. And deep inside, I know that. But it is still a really scary thing for me to do.
I am afraid of people. That’s right, my very own species can absolutely terrify me! Potential employers, new students, neighbors I haven’t met yet, bank tellers, taxi drivers, doctors, my husband’s extended family…the list is endless. Of course, I’m not afraid of everyone in the world, but I do get awfully nervous when it comes to starting a conversation, meeting someone new, or entering into an unfamiliar situation.
I blame this tendency on my introverted nature, and the fact that my somewhat-socially-awkward family didn’t force me to get out there and learn how to interact with strangers when I was young. Selling Easter candy and magazine subscriptions door-to-door for the elementary school fundraiser was pure torture…so I often brought along my more loquacious (and adorable) younger brother and made him do the talking. In my adult life making phone calls to the bank or the cable company has been equally stressful, although I’ve made at least some progress in that area (mostly because dealing with Comcast representatives makes me so angry I completely forget my fear).
Mostly, I’m insecure and therefore tend to believe that people won’t like me. It takes me a while to make good friends, like the Princesses, so I dread beginning that process anew. I’ve been dealing with this fear a lot lately. How do I meet people that have things in common with me? If I invite people over, will they come? What if the Principal here has no intention of ever hiring me? Just writing this is stressing me out! I wish I were more outgoing and friendly, but it’s really hard for me. Yep, I’m pretty sure the thought of overcoming this represents my biggest fear in life right now.
Sometimes, I don’t have brilliant words to say. Sometimes, I don’t even have any words to say. When that happens, I turn to music. As I mentioned in my last post, my husband and I have been going through a rough time lately because […]
This summer has been a whirlwind for me. For most people, summer is a time of relaxation, vacation, and having fun. For me it’s been a time of never ending work, constant emotional breakdowns and financial woes. You may have noticed my decreased presence on […]
My husband and I are in a bit of a rough spot. About a month ago he lost his job. We had a bit of money saved up, so we will be ok as long as he isn’t without work for a long time. But, it just sucks because the reason we were saving up this money was to move into a different apartment. As you may remember from previous posts, our current apartment has had a few issues and we just really want to move on.
However, suddenly having one less income puts a huge damper on our plan. Now, we were looking at places that were only 100-200 dollars more expensive than our current residence, but we all know that unfortunately, that is not the only cost of moving. And actually, all of the added costs frustrate me a lot. You can’t just give them rent and a damage deposit and have everything be fine and dandy. Oh no, it’s first and last months rent, a non-refundable damage deposit, plus another deposit that sometimes equals what the rent is. Suddenly I’m looking at putting down 3500 dollars just to move into a place. And we just don’t have that kind of money right now.
But of course, my husband still wants to look at apartments. And I understand because I want to move too. But the only scenario I see working out is a place that is around the same price we’re paying now, and only makes you put a few hundred dollars deposit down and nothing else. And that doesn’t really exist. But we go to these places and my husband tells me how it could work out, we could do it, I’ll probably have a job by then. But we can’t afford to live in the world of “what might happen.” We have to live in the world of the here and now where we have only one income, and can’t afford much. I end up having to constantly be the sensible one, and I hate it because I have to have the same argument with him over and over. Eventually, I can make him understand the reality of the situation, but I have to fight to do it each time, and I’m getting tired. I would love to move, but the more places we visit, the more I feel like it is a fleeting dream. And I’ve accepted that, but I’m not so sure my husband has. He keeps thinking we can do it, but doing it would mean wiping out our bank account almost entirely. And that to me is not a good idea considering we don’t know when he will be working again. Sometimes being the sensible one sucks.
Cinderslut’s recent post on brothers has inspired us all to think more about our sibling relationships. And so I’m taking you on a journey into the depths of my relationships with my brothers. I am the youngest of three, and the only girl in my […]
I am an eternal optimist. Now I recognize that not everyone can be that way. There are plenty of people out there who subconsciously see the dark side of things, and that does not mean they are any worse of a person. However, I do […]
I miss my friends. I miss my fellow naughty princesses. I know I’ve written a post like this before, but I’m really feeling it right now and so I’m saying it again. I know we have this blog, and skype dates and facebook—but a digital relationship only goes so far. People talk about how great technology is because it makes it possible to stay in touch with people even when they’re halfway around the world. And that is great. I’d rather have a digital relationship with you than no relationship. But it’s not the same. I need to see you. I don’t just want to stay in touch with you, I want to be able to actually touch you, and have the comfort of your presence.
Cinderslut: you are my closest married friend and I’ve wanted to talk to you so badly about things in my marriage and I can’t and I hate it. I’m mad because I feel like I can’t talk to you like I used to. The first year of marriage is exciting, but it’s also hard and a lot of crap happens and you’re the only one I feel comfortable sharing with. But I can’t express everything over instant messaging, and when we skype your husband is always there, or mine is in the next room and I can’t say what I want to say. And I know we’re both busy, and it’s not your fault, but I’m still angry because sometimes I feel like I really need your perspective and there’s this giant wall called the Atlantic Ocean and I can’t reach you. Not really. Not like I want to.
Merskank: I was in our coffee shop today, but you weren’t there, and I missed you with a physical ache. And all I wanted was for you to sit across from me so I could tell you my fears about the future and we could talk about our goals and how they seem so unattainable at times. I need your thoughtfulness. I need your quirkiness. I need your reassuring presence in my life so that I know that even when I’m lost, at least we can be lost together. Our conversation is like a balm to my soul, and without it I don’t know how to smooth the roughness.
Sleeping Booty: I was dreaming up a music video in my head the other day, but then I realized I could never do it without you and my heart dropped. It wouldn’t be the same. You have the eye that sees the beauty in me that I have trouble finding sometimes. We feed off each other’s energy, so what do I do when I don’t have your energy with me? How can I truly capture what’s important in my life if you aren’t there with the camera? There are still mementos in my apartment that you left behind, and they only make me miss you more.
I was on campus today, but I didn’t feel anything. No nostalgia, no warmth. Because that place doesn’t mean anything to me without you guys. And I’m not lacking in friends, but none of my other friends feel the same as you. None of them know my story like you do. And of course, I can get closer to other people and open up with them and feel a close bond, but that doesn’t make the absence of you any easier. There are some people that you know will be with you for life, and that’s you. Our souls are knit together. I know that we can’t always be physically together. And part of me knows that we probably won’t be very much anymore. And I can accept that normally. But today I can’t.
I recently got promoted at work. Not a huge promotion, but just a lead position that puts me slightly above my co workers. Now this only happened on Monday, so I haven’t really done much yet, or even worked a shift where I am in […]
Right now, my husband and I live in a ground floor apartment that has lots of space, but is quirky and old. I suppose if I were a realtor the way I would spin it when trying to sell it is to say that “it’s […]
This month the naughty princesses were asked about the words they live by. When you’re going through the twenty something condition–what are the thoughts that keep you going? What is your Motto for this stage of your life, and how is it helping you get by?
There are a ridiculous number of phrases I repeat to myself daily. This list includes but is not limited to:
• Keep Calm and Carry On.
• Now is the Best Moment (so that means… wait for it… now is the best!).
• Stillness is what creates Love. Movement is what creates Life. To be still, yet still moving – that is everything.
• So much to do, so little done, such things to be.
• The opposite of love is indifference
• Nothing great in the world has been accomplished without passion
• Anything can happen
But just because I tell myself those things doesn’t mean my life stays true to them. Or even that I’m even heading in those directions. Instead of living each moment like it’s precious and working hard to make things happen for my future self, I’ve started looking at this time in my life as an intermission, as an in between time I have to catch up on all the things that I let slide before. Living at home and working this job have been an excuse to dedicate my free time to finally tackle those items on my to-do list that never manage to get crossed off. And while I know I’m kidding myself that the world will wait for me while I take a breather this year, let me tell you, it feels SO GOOD to cross some of these projects off my list. I can’t wait for my future when I’ll have such things to be and my movement and carrying on will make each passionate moment better than the last, but right now my truthful mantra is “What can I check off my list today?” and guys, I wouldn’t change it for the world.
–Sleeping Booty
There’s a simple phrase that has become very useful for me ever since I moved to the middle east: Inshallah. That’s Arabic for “God-willing,” or “if God has willed it.” Around here it’s used non-stop, anytime anyone is talking about the future. It’s actually maddening to hear the mechanic tell you your car will be fixed “next week, inshallah,” or to have a colleague tell you they’ll finish that project “by June, inshallah,” because by adding that handy word onto the end, they’ve released themselves from personal responsibility for getting anything done. This is something my husband encounters at work more than me, but it is still funny to me how everyone can be so NOT in a hurry to do things. I guess I lived in the time-obsessed, fast-paced West for too long.
So why is this pesky phrase my new motto? Well, first of all because I can’t deny that it has its uses. I find myself using it in normal conversations, and it’s perfect for when my students ask me questions. “Will there be extra credit this quarter?” “Hmmm…inshallah.”
“When will you finish grading our papers?” “By Tuesday…inshallah.”
You see what I mean. But even more than its utility, I appreciated the literal meaning behind it. Sometimes no matter how meticulously I plan and schedule, things just don’t go right. But that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. “Inshallah” is a good reminder that I’m not in control as much as I think I am. And as I prepare to move to a new place, without friends, a job, or a clear purpose for my days, I need this reminder more than ever. I’ll find my place there and (inshallah) start a great new adventure; I just have to recognize that God’s will in my life supersedes my own.
–CinderSlut
For some reason, I feel like I have had a lot of mottos this year- more than normal. I don’t even know if they are true. I have particular doubts about one of my currently most go-to mottos: more information is better. In the past nine months or so this motto has been one of my guiding principles in relationships, causing me to act with unusual boldness for a closed-off, introverted person. If you read any of my Lady Mareena posts you would know that I have been confronting men right and left (well, at least a few times). I have asked them about their intentions, told them about my feelings, and touched on other taboo subjects. This is not in line with my character (or at least with my character for my first 20-or-so years). But somehow, somewhere along the line I just got tired of the game. Does he like me? Does he know I like him? He just sent me a flirty text- what does that mean?! It can be so frustrating, why don’t people just tell you what they mean?! And hence the motto: more information is better.
I am honestly not sure if this motto is always true, sometimes giving too much information can be unnecessarily hurtful to people—I know there has to be a place for discretion. However, for this stage in my life at least, I have decided to lean on the other side a bit. Feelings and relationships are sticky things and the first step to making them easier is being direct. Besides, don’t people generally make better decisions when they are better informed? At least thus far, I don’t regret any of the instances where I have breached the peace and laid my cards on the table.
–Little Merskank
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”
Most of you have probably heard this famous Eleanor Roosevelt quote before, but I never thought much about it until recently. I’m not going through some time of extreme persecution or anything, but I feel like this quote is very useful to my twenty something life. So much of being in my twenties has been about the unknown and constantly changing plans while the world is screaming at you about good careers and 401K’s and making money. Let’s just say it is very easy to feel not good enough when your mother asks you for the hundredth time if you’ve found any better job opportunities, or you talk to one of your friends who is ‘set for life’ because they’re a smarty pants engineer and Boeing recruited them. In these moments I have to remember—they can’t make me feel inferior unless I let them. So what if I don’t have a job with a six figure salary? I’m having fun with what I do, even though I’m poor. There is no need to be ashamed. My job is not my whole life, and just because I don’t have everything figured out, it doesn’t make me any less of a person.
Every time I think of that, I can feel the worries and anxiety lifting away. I am proud of who I am, and what I’ve done. I may not be earning the big bucks, but I’ve spent my time investing in people, and learning as much about the world as I can—and that is nothing to feel inferior about.
–Snow Whore