A field guide to growing up without growing apart
So…it’s been a while since I posted, not that I’m the only one (ahem). But Mother’s Day just passed, and I thought it was time for another depressing update on my barren womb. Back in October I had just started fertility treatment and had been […]
It’s been over five months since I last posted here. If you asked me what I’ve been up to in that time I could tell you a lot of things. I took a Mediterranean cruise and got to show my favorite travel destination, Italy, to […]
I wish I had happier news to share. But the truth is I cried yesterday because wanting to get pregnant and not being able to is incredibly frustrating because you just can’t do much about it. I went off the pill in January and with every month that has passed, we’ve gotten more serious and intentional about “trying.” I can say we’ve been sincerely trying for about 3 months now, and no luck.
As far as I can tell, I’m doing all the right things. I’ve sworn off alcohol and cut back on caffeine. I’m taking a prenatal vitamin with folic acid every day. I take my temperature at 5:30 am each morning, and record this temperature and other symptoms in my fertility app daily. But so far our timing hasn’t been right.
I went to the doctor yesterday to inquire about what options I might have. Living in Saudi Arabia, I wanted to plan ahead and know if there would even BE fertility treatments should it come to that. The doctor told me what I had expected to hear, but it still wasn’t easy: they won’t refer you to the hospital (1 hr away) until you’ve been trying unsuccessfully for a year, and our insurance may or may not cover fertility medicine and treatments, possibly including the fact that any pregnancy conceived “through outside intervention” wouldn’t be covered either.
I know a lot of people do try for a long time, apparently 4-6 months is average. But part of me is wondering, if there IS a big problem, why wait for a year before doing something about it?
Even as I write this, it sounds petty. What about the women out there who have been trying for years? To them, my 3 months of impatience is nothing. But 3 months makes me scared that I might become one of those unlucky women. Aside from that, I’m also dreading some other unfortunate possibilities.
I know the most likely scenario is that my body is taking a little longer to readjust after the pill, and in another few months it’ll happen. But if I had known a year ago how I’d be feeling about all this right now, I probably would have started trying sooner. It turns out making babies is harder than it looks.
Last week I took a pregnancy test for the first time in my life. I’ll spare you the suspense—it was negative, as I suspected it would be. But in the past three months since I stopped taking the pill, my heart has become more and […]
So…I’ve officially taken my last birth control pill for a while, presumably until after I give birth to my first child! My husband and I have been mulling over the idea of starting a family for a while now, but it basically took all of […]
With my 27th birthday (and therefore my “late 20s”) only a few months away, I’ve been thinking more and more about starting a family. Baby fever has started, I’d say, with so many cute littles popping up on my facebook newsfeed, and some of my real-life friends starting to take the plunge into parenthood. One of my friends here gave birth 3 weeks ago, another is expecting her second child in October, and a good friend from work is due with her first in August. I don’t feel pressured, per se, but I’ve started to think that I’m ready (as I’ll ever be) for this next step.
However, this is such a momentous decision that it’s been plaguing me with doubt and conflicting emotions. I love my life, and part of the reason I love it so much is because it’s relatively easy at the moment. A great job, plenty of vacation time to travel, no shortage of money, and no major responsibilities. A child would obviously, irreparably, alter all that. A lot of my qualms have to do with my career. I’ve been blessed with a job that is a great fit for me, and if I take time off—even just a year—to have a baby, I worry that I might never go back, at least not for many years. I don’t think I would really mind being a stay-at-home mom for a time, but so much can change in 5 or 10 years. Would I still be hireable, or even know what I’m doing, after all that time away from the classroom? When it comes down to it, my resume is still pretty sparse. I can’t help thinking having 4 or 5 years of experience under my belt before I quit would set me up much better than only 3 years.
Another factor is, of course, my husband’s feelings about the issue. Last summer we had a conversation in which we both said we thought Spring/Summer 2016 would be a great time to welcome our first child. Since then I’ve kind of been operating under that assumption (on the days when I’m not freaking out about the whole career/life change aspect and wanting to put it off!). In that scenario, I’d need to get pregnant within the next few months, which would mean going off birth control, like, pretty much now. With that time frame looming closer and closer, I tried several times in the last few months to talk to my husband about it and see if he was still on board with that plan. But every time he seemed to brush it off, changing the subject, or at least not wanting to give me a hard and fast answer. I started to get concerned…it seemed like he didn’t want to start trying soon after all, and the last thing I want to do is force him into something he isn’t ready for.
Then, a couple of weeks ago, I brought it up again and we were finally able to talk it all out. Essentially, though he still sees the logic of our original plan, he’s scared of actually having a baby and all the changes that will bring to our lives. I could see from talking to him that, while I know he’d be excited and happy to hear that I was pregnant, he could also live quite happily for several more years sans kids. After our conversation, I felt like things were still somewhat up in the air. He agrees that trying either this year or next year is a good idea, but he’s not ready to actually “start trying.”
I’m not sure where this leaves us. In my heart, I think I’m leaning towards sooner rather than later. Life is short, and this is one of the most important things I want to “do with my life.” I also know my parents won’t be around forever, and I’d love to give them grandchildren soon, so they can enjoy those relationships for as many years as possible. But, simultaneously, I desperately want this to be a mutual decision that we’re both at peace with, not me nagging him into it or taking matters into my own hands.
I’m the kind of person who likes plans and schedules and rational decisions, so I can totally see the logic behind the idea of waiting one more year as well. We’d have more money, have had more fun travel adventures together, and my resume would be one year stronger. Those are all undeniable truths.
But none of them stop me from lying in bed at night, dreaming about the little boy or girl who will call me mom.