A field guide to growing up without growing apart
Dudes, you want to know something scary? I have started to think about… jobs. It’s a terrifying word, I know. I’ve still got some time but I feel the scariness of job-hunting breathing down my neck; soon it will catch up with me. I […]
I’ve been a bridesmaid before. We’ve made the invites, taken the photos, planned the parties, and so much more, but something about this summer’s bridesmaid duties has felt off. You’d think I’d have gotten the hang of it by now, seeing as this is my […]
My work has been in a state of chaotic upheaval for the past 3 months. I know I posted before about some frustrations at work, but that pales in comparison to our current situation.
In late January, our manager announced that he was too burned out (not a surprise considering how my company operates), and that he was moving to a less stressful department. Now this was sad news, but I knew we could handle it. Mostly because our manager was not very effective to begin with and other people had been picking up his slack anyway. However, what I did not anticipate was that instead of being a solitary event, my manager’s decision to move on somehow sparked a massive rolling domino effect within our department that seems bent on creating as much disaster as possible.
After our manager left, one of my co workers who was also in a leadership position had a total mental breakdown. Suddenly unable to deal with customers anymore in a customer service industry, she dealt with the stress by yelling at guests. Needless to say, she was demoted and she decided to find another job. This left me with more work to do, but I was still ok because I had my supervisor with me for support.
Then came the week from hell. It started out with my supervisor taking vacation and essentially leaving me to be the only person in charge of our department for over a week. I came in on monday to see messages from 3 separate employees calling out sick. I ended up being at work for 12 hours, running around like a crazy person trying to cover everyone’s shifts. The next day, another person called out sick, but someone had come in to cover that shift. But then one of the employees who was supposed to work that day, came into the building, didn’t say a word to anyone, threw away all his stuff and walked out. While this was happening, one of my other employees decided it was the perfect moment to put in her two weeks notice. I kept my cool in front of everyone, but I spent half an hour crying in the bathroom mostly because I had to get the stress out somehow. Then, the next day I find out that my supervisor has also put in her two weeks notice. And that’s when I realized I was completely alone trying desperately to throw water on the burning wreckage of my department.
So what’s happened since then? Well, I finally got some rest which helps a lot. However, I’m still facing a giant uphill battle trying to get enough staffing so that I don’t have to lose my mind covering every position. The good news is, with all of the staff transitions, I’ve been promoted. At least now I’m making a somewhat decent wage for all of the craziness I’m dealing with. But mostly I’m still plugging along, trying to keep my spirits up and bug HR every day telling them to give us more people to hire. Hopefully I don’t lose my mind.
TGIF, because I really needed a weekend. I just finished my first whole week at my two new jobs, and I’m pretty beat. So far most things are going really well with both, but it’s been mentally and physically exhausting adjusting to a new schedule […]
This summer has been a whirlwind for me. For most people, summer is a time of relaxation, vacation, and having fun. For me it’s been a time of never ending work, constant emotional breakdowns and financial woes. You may have noticed my decreased presence on the blog. Well, most of that is due to the current craziness that is my life.
Now, for me, summer time is always crazy at work, because I work in the tourism industry. But I would be ok if that were the only thing I were dealing with. But no, sometimes life decides to throw it all at you in one fell swoop. In the beginning of July, my husband lost his job. Now, neither one of us was pulling in the big bucks. Two incomes seemed pretty necessary. And suddenly we had one.
I went through the stages of being angry, sad, and worried out of my mind. But after all this, I decided that being worried about money was not worth my time and effort. I couldn’t control it, so why spend all my time obsessing about it. It was a very freeing feeling. I had an almost out of body experience, looking at the world and how focused everyone was on money and how stupid that was. There is no joy in that. God had always provided for me in the past and I knew he would continue to do so. But even after this realization, financial things were a struggle. Having an epiphany is great, but it does not automatically alter your natural instincts. And our natural instincts tell us to obsess about money. So I have been fighting that battle.
Another battle I have been fighting is with my husband. And I don’t mean the kind of battle that involves us being angry at each other and shouting all the time. It is the battle of how best to encourage him. Losing a job is a huge blow to your confidence. And then knowing that you need to immediately put yourself back out there is extremely challenging. Even though the job market seems to be improving some, applying for and getting a job is still a difficult and tedious and frustrating task. I find myself not knowing the best tactic to take in supporting him in his task. Half the time I want to be intense and tell him to stop whining, get off his butt and put himself out there–pound the pavement–try harder. And the other half of the time I just feel I should back off, let him go through his own process, and just shower him with compliments to boost his self esteem. I’ve gone both ways, and I honestly still feel lost in how to help him. I’m constantly trying to understand what he needs at any given moment, while simultaneously wanting to exclaim that what I need is for him to take some of the pressure off me.
Because let me tell you, being the sole wage earner of a household feels like a big responsibility. I sometimes feel that I am going to buckle under the pressure. If I had some really high paying job–maybe I wouldn’t feel that way. But as it is, I’m scheduled for forty hours a week, and trying to pick up overtime on my precious days off, or staying at work for 14 hour days, to try to scrape up any extra money that I can. And I know that he is trying to get a job, but when I come home from a long, exhausting day and I see him just sitting on the couch, where he’s been all day without even getting dressed, it is hard not to feel some resentment. But I don’t want to give in to that feeling because I know that he is going through a lot, and I want to be supportive. Are you starting to understand what I mean by the constant emotional roller coaster?
As the title of this post suggests, I am in a constant state of losing control. It’s scary as shit, and it’s a daily struggle, but at the same time I think it’s good for me. I have lived so much of my life trying to maintain control—don’t we all? Control of our education, our career, our finances, our relationships. But the bottom line is–we cannot control everything. Life is not an equation you can solve. It’s not a pattern that you can follow. No matter how hard you try, no matter what you achieve–you will never be completely in control. You can be responsible, and save, and make good choices–but here’s the honest truth. You are never as secure as you think you are. So stop idolizing security. It’s not worth it.
As you know if you follow our blog at least a little bit, I go to graduate school— why, because I post about it all the time, that’s why. Well, as a matter of course, many of my friends (excepting three of naughty princesses, obviously!) […]