This weekend I was asked THE DREADED QUESTION (What are you doing with your life) and didn’t really come out alive.

By now you’d think I’d be good at deflecting this one, making up some sort of flowery answer that is somehow both satisfactory and yet and entirely noncommittal. We’re 20-something after all, it’s practically our job to talk about our future – never mind what you’re up to now, in a few years your real life will begin! But this weekend I was caught off guard, standing by as I heard myself surrender entirely to my own insecurities. How can I justify my 2014 adventure abroad to a family friend if I can’t even justify it to myself?

We were sitting around the campfire drinking a bottle of scotch when my dad’s friend (basically my uncle) asked about my future. My answer came out a little something like this:

“Well… I’m going to keep working with my dad until our Grand Canyon river trip in October… but after that I’m… done. (My dad was next to me at the time) It isn’t that it isn’t a great job! It’s just not for me… forever. It just isn’t a great fit. You know?” I looked at my dad for his reaction, afraid he’d judge me like I was judging myself. He shook his head and smiled saying, “you don’t have to justify it to me!” My almost uncle wasn’t so understanding. I made a weak attempt to distract him, hoping he’d take my non-answer. He didn’t.

“But what happens after the river trip?” He asked. “You’ll have been living at home for a year by then. You can’t stay forever!” (Side note: I could stay forever. It makes me sad that there is such a stigma for living at home. Living with your parents shouldn’t have to mean failure and unhappiness. The three of us have had a great year getting to know our present versions of ourselves. It sucks that anyone gives me a reason to devalue that).

I reluctantly continued, feeling less secure by the second. I couldn’t think of one legitimate justification for quitting my job other than because I wanted to and because I’d saved up enough so I could. Accepting my defeat, I didn’t bother to sugar coat my answer.

“Well after that my plan is to stay with my parents through the holidays and then quit my job and adventure around the world until I run out of money or figure out a way to make some.”

Needless to say it didn’t go over well. His response was nothing I hadn’t heard before; “never quit a job without another waiting in the wings, you may never find another one as good,” “suck it up and pay your dues, everyone has to work,” “find yourself a career because that is the only way to be happy” and “save  your money while you can, you’ll have real bills soon.”

I attempted a few weak justifications; “I could use the time to figure out a career!” or “I have a lot of friends I can stay with,” but it was no use – if I couldn’t manage to convince myself this trip would be worth my while there was no way I’d be able to explain it to him.

Traveling until I run out of money isn’t really my plan. I don’t have any plan really; all I know is that come January I’m going somewhere new for a decent amount of time. What I don’t know is everything else, and the more I try to plan and make this trip a reality the more I realize how necessary finding meaning within it is. I need a focus, a reason, a goal, a justification or a purpose for this adventure. Wandering aimlessly because I can isn’t something that will make me happy then or later and I know that before I can fully invest myself in this trip I need to figure out a way to justify it. I need to be able to confidently look my almost uncle in the eye and say I’m leaving for three months to do something important. I need to be able to tell his daughter, my friend, that I’m putting our friendship on hold for a good reason. I need to explain to my cousin that it will be worthwhile even though I could be paying off her student loans instead. There is an endless list of people I need to justify this to: to my parents, future employers, people I meet on the road. But most importantly I need to figure out a way to justify this to myself, because right now I’m not convinced.

I know I have to go. It is the perfect time; I have the money, the need, the ability, even the will. I won’t be leaving anything behind (like a lease or a boyfriend or debt) that I’ll have to worry about while I’m gone and after 24 years of doing everything right (decent grades, graduating college, making it through a full year at a real person job) it’s about time I take a risk and see what kind of trouble I can get into.

This is my time. Time to see the places I’ve wanted to see, visit the friends that won’t be abroad much longer, make the new ones I know I can, go on the adventure I’ve told myself about for as long as I can remember. This is happening. I am going. But. Something is missing. I have plenty of reasons why I SHOULD GO. But I can’t think of one reason why I AM going. What will I do once I’m gone?

I don’t have my answer right now. For the last 7 months my goal has been to save money and not put my head through the computer screen at my desk job. Come January my future is wide open, no plan or purpose in sight. In the meantime all I can do is try my best to figure out what that purpose will be. In Part 2 of this post I’ll share a few of my ideas and while all of them are legitimate options, so far none of them are the thing I can look everyone I’ve ever known or will know in the eye and confidently say I went on this adventure to do. None of them quiet my internal voice of self doubt. Maybe I’m asking too much, trying to find the perfect thread to carry me through this trip, but I hope not. I hope I can make this adventure everything I’ve needed it to be, that I can remember the strength it takes to go after something I want and let go of the guilt I feel for having the opportunity. I hope I find more than just myself on this trip, I hope I find something to reach for in the years of my life after it. I hope I figure out my answer to the question I dread most; I hope I figure out what I’m doing with my life.