Happy, But a Little Bit Sad

Today is my last day of work.

Its slow here, not much left to do now that my time is almost up. I’ve been looking forward to this day for a long time, it’s different than I expected though; I didn’t think I’d be so melancholy.

Yesterday was my last day of carpooling to work with my dad, (he works from home on Fridays) and it wasn’t until we arrived in the parking lot that I noted this milestone, my emotions bittersweet as we realized it was time to begin the process of saying goodbye. I took a deep breath and headed into work, suppressing the feelings that would inevitably be flooding me in the coming days; he told me later that he cried after I left, sobbing in the car as time caught up with him. Life goes so fast. I’ve lived and worked with him almost every day for the last 14 months, and as excited as I am for this new beginning, it brings with it a whole lot of endings. Endings I wish I could bring with me.

On Wednesday I’m leaving for an incredible adventure, 5 months traveling around Europe with friends and family. I’ll only be alone about 4 weeks total and it’s been incredible to connect with so many people over the last few months of planning this trip. I’ve learned so much already and I haven’t even left yet, as much work as the planning has been, it’s been completely worth it.

People have told me about their favorite places, shared with me their most memorable lessons, given me their blessings. My friends have changed their schedules to meet me and my family has almost done as much research as I have; I’ve even met strangers who’ve taken the time to give me phone numbers of people I should call and websites I should visit. Out of the blue my friend’s mother gave me a book and letter that congratulated me for taking the time to assess how I want my life to be and making the necessary steps to make it happen. My dad’s friend took a picture of me and sent it to his friends in England so they’ll recognize me when we meet up. A 90 year old woman from my mother’s book club took both my hands in hers and said she was grateful to meet someone as brave as me.

I‘ve appreciated these affirmations more than I probably should have, I wish I was as confident in this choice as so many other people seem to be for me. I’m glad I’m doing this, but I’m also so sad not to be doing everything else. Maybe being a 20-something is about finally realizing that in order to have a happy moment you have to let go of something else. Maybe it’s realizing that it is okay to be happy and a little bit sad.

Last night was the last time I’ll get to see my dad play basketball this year. The last time I’ll get to go out to the pub with his team. The last time I get to make sure he makes it home safely. This morning was the last time I got to kiss my mother goodbye before going to work. The last time I’ll get to sing along to morning radio at the top of my lungs for an hour long drive as part of a daily routine. The last time I’ll sit at this desk and see these people.

My coming weekend is overbooked with goodbyes. I’ll barely have time to pack between hangouts and skype dates, goodbye dinners and last minute phone calls. I won’t have time to feel sad, I know goodbyes like this well from leaving Seattle and all my travels during college; I won’t really let any of it reach me until a week later when I’m alone.

Right now I don’t know how to feel, a large part of me knowing that suppressing it all will only lead to an explosion later, but there is no right way to say goodbye and I do know that this is what I and many other people want for me. It is okay to be happy but a little sad.

For the last few days I’ve had this Billy Joel song on repeat, feeding my melancholy feeling and also letting it completely fortify me for the coming changes in my life. It feels very 20-something and if you haven’t heard this cover you should.

I think Billy is right when he says only fools are satisfied, dream on but don’t imagine they’ll all come true.

I think I’m ready to realize Vienna waits for me.