Condition of the Month- January

It’s so hard to live in the moment. So often we find ourselves wishing for the golden years that were, or yearning for a future that holds something better. So this month I thought we should discuss where we find ourselves right now. Are we living in the past, the present, or the future? And is that what we really want?

Wow, hello 2015! Can you believe we’re this far into the 21st century already? It seems like not so long ago people were freaking out about the millennium and Y2K. My husband is currently sitting next to me on the couch reading off a list of uncomfortable, yet true, facts about the year 2015. For example, the movies Silence of the Lambs, Hook, and Father of the Bride were in theaters on a date closer to the moon landing than to today. I don’t know about you, but New Year’s isn’t a favorite holiday of mine, because it lends itself so easily to feelings of lost youth, the passage of time, etc. But still, I can’t change the fact that a new year has dawned, and, for the most part, I am very excited and forward-thinking about all that’s yet to come for me.

I always have something I’m looking forward to, to the point that I actually downloaded a countdown app for my phone so I can always know exactly how many days are left until whatever: my wedding, our next vacation, a visit from family, etc. These days one thing I’m longing for is the summer, when I’ll be able to come home and visit everyone for the first time in a year. I had a great Christmas staying overseas and traveling with my hubby and his parents, but July still feels like a LONG time from now, and that’s starting to wear on me a bit. Having my in-laws visit also touched a nerve that shows itself from time to time: the desire to move home for good. It was just so nice to sit around the table with family…now with them gone again I’m looking forward to moving home more than ever, though not enough to actually do anything about it—yet.

I’m also just going to put this out there: 2015 just might be the year I get pregnant. This is the year I turn 27 and my husband turns 28, and I start the last year of my teaching contract here. These things all add up to what might be a great time to start a family. So yes, I’ve got a ton to look forward to in 2015 and beyond. More travel, visiting family, coming home for good someday, and becoming a mom. With all that in mind though, I still have to remind myself that I am where I am for a reason. It’s hard to live in the moment, but since this is the season for goals and resolutions, I might as well add that one to the list.

I’ve been soul searching a lot lately, doing anything I can think of to figure out which career path is right for me, and while I spend more and more time attempting to think of my future, in reality the more pressure I put on myself to decide the further I feel from it. Lately I just can’t see where I’m going, just can’t see anything past tomorrow. I keep waking up from nightmares of insecurity in not only my professional capacity but personal as well, freaked out because if I‘m not proud of myself neither is anyone else. Why can’t I just live in the present for a few minutes to help me figure things out?

But I’m not living in the past either, though it’s definitely not for lack of trying. I’ve been attempting to scrapbook my high school things and over Christmas a ton of my old friends came back to visit. I’ve been going through the old motions like I used to, but as much as I love living in the past I just can’t connect as well as I used to. Something was off this week, my wave length just that much different from all my friends. I said dumb things and cried more than usual, felt overly sensitive and while we all had fun, it wasn’t the same as it used to be, it wasn’t even the same as last year. I know living in the past isn’t great for me, but it’s important to me to be able to get back there when I need to. What does it mean that this week I couldn’t?

So I guess my answer is that I’m living in the moment, but pretty unhappy about it. Unhappy is the wrong word because I’ve been busy and distracted and generally jovial, but I feel guilty for not being able to relate to my high school friends as well as I used to, for not keeping in touch with college friends as well as I want to, for losing my confidence and for not knowing how to move forward like I know everyone else is.

I wouldn’t really call this a season of longing for me. There are many good times in my past, but I couldn’t say I am longing for any of them.. not in particular. Neither am I longing for the future.. I mean, I hope my future will hold many good things, but I wouldn’t trade in this moment now to find out. Really, I am very happy where I am now. I am starting into the third year of my PhD and I still love it. From the beginning, everyone warned me ‘are you sure you really want to do a PhD? By the end you’ll be sick of it.’ But I really love what I study and the environment where I study. I am also pretty happy in the rest of my life. Each season of life has its own trials, but this one has been a really good one. So yeah, I am happy where I am and wouldn’t trade it in! I am just hoping the days don’t pass too fast.

I am definitely in a season of looking ahead. I have been frustrated and feeling stuck in my current job for so long now. And I finally decided to take a risk. I was offered a position with a hotel, but they wanted me to start at the bottom and work my way up again. I was torn for a long time about it. I may be unhappy at my current work, but I can’t guarantee that the new company will be a lot better. Plus I have to take a pay cut. But everyone I talked to thought it seemed like a good opportunity.  Today I accept ed the offer and signed papers. It seems surreal and very very scary. I still find myself asking what the hell am I doing? Why leave comfort and predictability? But I have to look ahead and hope that everything is working out the way it should. I believe that this new job may offer me more possibilities in the future, but of course I don’t know. None of us ever know for sure. Living is risky business. I find myself wishing I had a crystal ball. Can’t I jump ahead a year and see if I’m happy or unhappy or if my plans worked out the way I’d hoped? But then, things never work out exactly as we think they will. And that’s terrifying and exciting all at the same time. So please, wish me luck.