A few days ago my housemate got a dog without my consent.
I’d been staying with my parents for a few days so when she called me Tuesday with the news that she’d brought a puppy home, I was shocked, especially as she guiltily excused the surprise by blaming me for not being around to talk it over with her, though she knew I’d be out of town.
Suddenly it felt like I had done something wrong, and not her, that if I wasn’t happy with her choice it wasn’t something she could change. She hastily reminded me that she’d always told me she’d think about getting a dog in the spring, but to me that isn’t the same as actually getting one in January without talking to me about it.
I’d made it clear when I agreed to move in that I didn’t think a dog was a good idea, mostly because I am allergic to them, but also because if she is serious about traveling and dating and not being broke, a dog will only make all that harder. As it is she never cleans the house or cooks for herself, and our landlord requires a ton of money down if we want a pet in the house. I love dogs as much as anyone, but at this point in her life, a dog isn’t what she needs.
I‘m not that worried about my allergies, she’s promised to clean more and I’ll just have to keep the door to my room shut. And honestly if it gets bad I’ll move out and find someone to sublet. But the real thing I’m struggling with is the lack of respect and friendship I feel from her lately, and the feeling that we’re not really friends.
I’ve known both her and her sister my whole life and since our parents are friends we’ll always stay in touch, but the closer I get to them the more I find myself hurt by them. Maybe it’s because they take me for granted or maybe they just grew up with different values than me, but I can’t tell you how many times in the last months I’ve been made to feel so much worse about myself by just being around them. They bail on plans and call me out on my weaknesses, make me feel like I have nothing to offer them or the world and even bring up my failures as jokes.
In some ways we get along great; we have fun and go on adventures. In moments of vulnerability I know they’re grateful for me, neither of them have many people they can count on, especially friends. But in the past my roommates have been my dear, dear friends, people who love and support me in so many ways. Lately I just can’t figure out how to live with people and not count on them, how not to let their negative outlooks on life and unforgiving opinions of me affect the positive ones I have of myself.
I know the real problem here is that I’ve lost a bit of my self-confidence over the last few months of failed job hunting, and I’ve been relying too much on the opinions of others to validate myself. But in moments of weakness your friends and roommates shouldn’t make you feel worse, and honestly mine do.
I don’t know where I’ll go from here. I’ll likely put on a smile and pretend I’m not affected, waiting out the one year lease and then demoting them to acquaintances I see every few months. But until then I hope I’ll figure out a way to be happy in spite of roommates that used to be my friends, but now just aren’t very kind.
Lame. First of all, I didn’t realize/remember that you were allergic to dogs. I thought it was only cats. Silly of your roomie not to talk about it with you first, but if she was truly set on getting a dog, she probably wasn’t going to listen to your objections anyway. You’re right that you can live with it until the end of the lease, but the sadder part is friends growing apart. It’s inevitable though, especially for someone with so many friends as you! There are people I used to count in my inner circle that I haven’t seen or talked to in months/years, and I was just reflecting today that there were quite a few “friends” at my wedding that I most likely won’t see again in my life. I guess we can’t stay close to everyone forever…but new important people will come along and fill those voids. Is the dog at least cute??
He’s a golden retriever mix and is the cutest thing ever. Dexter. I spent the day bonding with him alone and while I’m definitely itchy, we’ll be fine. I haven’t really talked to my roommate about it yet. Though I did almost cry in front of all our mutual friends when it came up at a party last night. I just dont know how to make it clear that she hurt me without making a fool of myself. Ill probably just avoid the subject. I can be a roommate even if we aren’t close friends.
He sounds adorable. If you can’t have a good friend who respects you, at least you can have the love of a cute puppy!