For this month’s COTM I’ve asked my fellow princesses how they feel about the words YES and NO. Which one do we say more of and how has that changed over our lifetime? This is a fundamental question I’ve thought a lot about in the last few years and I’m really looking forward to hearing what you all think about saying yes and saying no!
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To me, happiness, success, and even love are all a series of choices that we make. Barring setbacks that are outside of our control like poor health and disasters, I more or less believe that there is a formula like process to achieve the things we want. If we can determine that successful, happy people answer yes more than no, or the other way around, then don’t we have some sort of road map towards improving our own lives? Sure we’ll be faced with different questions than they were, and everyone is different, but if statistically the people who we want to become have said yes more than no, then it makes sense that we should too.
I know this logic isn’t anywhere close to solid, especially since there is no real way to tell how often people say yes over no, but when I watch a TED talk or listen to a story from my grandparents, I often hear them explaining that when they said yes something wonderful happened.
Maybe I hear that because it is what I want to believe. To me saying yes represents participating in my surroundings and being open to opportunities. Sure, it is really nice to sleep in on Saturdays, but if a friend wants to meet up for breakfast it is undeniably worth it to drag myself out of bed to meet instead of sleep. Yes has always been a good thing, an action instead of an avoidance, a chance for something good to happen.
So in the last year when I’ve found myself in many situations where I’ve not only had to say no, but wanted to, I’ve really struggled with whether or not it’s okay.
My boss is an idea man, a person who promises the world and then deals with the problems later. But as the problem solver on the team, it’s fallen to me to reign him in, saying no daily not only to him but telling him to do the same. When it comes to my friends and roommates, I work really hard to say yes as much as possible, but lately I’m not sure it is the right thing. I went to a concert with them a few days ago and enjoyed myself to a point, but when I looked to my friends and they didn’t smile back at me but instead were snap chatting, my heart broke a bit, realizing that with them I always feel that way. When I’m out with them I don’t feel good about myself, but if I say no when I’m invited to something I don’t feel good either. Saying no has always felt like somewhat of a failure for me, and it’s been difficult to reconcile this with instances where saying no is okay.
So while I still believe that saying yes as much as possible is the right way to live, I’m starting to come around to saying no more often. As with everything it’s a balance, and though I know we all have to say no sometimes, I don’t like it.
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If I honestly think about it, I feel like I say yes more than no. In general, I tend to care a lot about pleasing other people, and part of that involves saying yes. For instance, I am teaching a visiting student from the US this term—do I have time to teach him? Not really, but somehow I ended up doing it. When I do want to say no, I often end up saying something like ‘maybe’ . You know, ‘oh, that sounds interesting. I’ll think about that.’ But then never actually getting back to the person about it.
Now, I am not defending this behaviour. I think it is much more respectable to be forthright: ‘no. I don’t have time for this’ or ‘No, that isn’t something I am interested in.’ I know, I know… not only is it more honest, but also the other person knows where you stand and you don’t leave them hanging there. But if they are excited and hopeful it is so hard to look them in the face and just say no. Or at least it is for me. So, yeah, that is something I have to work on.
The other week one of my students emailed at the last minute asking if I could change our class time. They had gotten on the competitive ballroom dance team for the school and they really really just NEEDED to be able to go to that rehearsal. Now, you have to understand, the time I had scheduled for that class was the only time I could have it– between when my room was available, to the when the other teachers were having classes, to when important lectures were being given in the department—it was literally the. only. time. Not only that but the student was so late in asking—even if there had been another available time, it wouldn’t have been feasible to move the class on such short notice. It wouldn’t have been fair to me, or to the other students. I emailed back and forth a few times with the student who was earnestly trying to convince me that there were other possible times for the class, but there really weren’t. It was just one of those occasions where you just have to say no. But I felt bad. No just seems so final. So unhelpful. But sometimes it is simply the best answer.
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Yes or No? Well, I know one thing, and that is that I’m not a natural optimist. I verge on cynical at times, or as I might call it, “realistic.” So that entails a lot of no’s—not always saying no, but thinking it, assuming it, expecting the negative to become a reality. I’m also an introvert, so I tend to say no to new social situations if I can avoid them. There’ve been quite a few times in my life when someone invited me to go somewhere or do something, but I said no, preferring to stay at home and watch a movie or something.
That being said, though, I have also tried to push myself out of my comfort zone, so I think I’ve become a bit more spontaneous and “yes” oriented in the last few years. When I do decide to say something, I will throw myself into it. For example, it took my husband years to convince me that he was the right one, but once I decided to marry him, it was all systems go. Moving to Saudi Arabia? I said yes and I’m so glad I did. Lately I’ve been waffling about taking some more graduate courses to bolster my resume, but I finally applied and was accepted, and now I’m excited and can’t wait to start. I suppose I’m cautious with my yeses, but once you get one from me, I’ll be committed no matter what.
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I am and always have been a yes person. I am extroverted to the extreme and this leads me to always wanting to be around people, helping them, going places with them, etc. I try to be a yes person at work as well. I want my superiors to see me as flexible and willing to do whatever it takes. Usually being a yes person is great. I love helping people, it brings me great joy when I can be an encouragement to others, and when people see me as someone they can count on in stressful times.
I think that in general, people don’t always say yes enough. They don’t say yes to things that will put them outside of their comfort zone. This is a tragedy. Now is the time to be taking risks. Say yes to travelling, to trying new foods, to making new friends. If not now, when you are in your twenties and the prime of your life, then when?
However, while I love being a yes person, something I try to be conscious of is keeping myself balanced. Everyone does need some alone time to recharge, but I tend to run the risk of saying yes to so much that I deprive myself of that time, which leads to getting burned out. There have definitely been times in the past where I come to the realization that I haven’t been by myself in over a month, and I suddenly break down in exhausted tears because I have no more of myself to give. It has been a few years since that has happened though, so I think I am getting a little bit better with the balance.