Today I bailed.
When I think of bailing on something, I think of totally and completely failing. To bail is to let weakness and fear and laziness and confusion win. It is not only have given the wrong answer in the first place, but also a failure of fixing things afterwards in time to make your initial wrong answer right.
In the last year or so I’ve actively worked to never bail. If I say I’m going to meet you somewhere, or call you next week, or finish that project, I mean it. And if I didn’t initially mean it, then by saying it out loud I’ve forced it to become something I mean. It’s become a point of pride for me, a part of my identity that proves I’m reliable and up for adventure, that I’m strong and considerate, that I’m principled and an adult.
So today when I texted the guy who had invited me camping this weekend that I can’t meet him and his friends tonight, I felt like a complete failure.
To give you a bit of context, I met this guy in high school, though met is a strong word for how we interacted. I don’t think I ever spoke to him, though we had countless classes and basketball bus trips together over the years. He was a grade older than me and was the shy one in his group of popular jocks. Naturally I crushed hard, because there is nothing better than a blank slate whose body you can imagine thoughts into. I’m even fairly positive there is a poem floating around my scrapbook that was inspired by him.
So when I ran into him at a party last year it was miraculous that I held myself together enough to really hit it off with him. We talked all night, catching up and getting to know each other all at once. Turns out he’s not all that shy anymore and is considerably less moody and pensive than I’d imagined as a 16 year old, which is definitely a good thing. He was nice and cool and comfortable and it felt really good to come full circle with someone I’d thought was so out of my league. I walked away from that night with a huge sense of closure and accomplishment… and promptly forgot about him.
Seeing him again at the same Halloween party a year later was like no time had passed, except this time he liked me even more. He had kept up with me enough on Facebook to ask about my summer camping trips and insisted we hangout more (read: at all). I even talked a bunch with his friend who also had gone to school with us but I didn’t remember. I liked them both, and while I’m not really interested in dating either of them, they both seemed like solid guy friend, outdoor adventurer candidates which I’m in the market for.
But when he got my number from a mutual friend and texted me yesterday I was shocked. He wanted me to come camping this weekend with him and his friends, just a quick weekend trip to southern Utah for a few hikes and the last days of fall. I immediately said yes, though admittedly feeling a bit nervous since I didn’t really know him or them and would likely be the only girl on the trip. I didn’t expect him to follow through with being friends after the party, much less invite me on a weekend adventure, so while I’m pretty sure his motives are just to have more cool friends, it is such an out of the ordinary thing for my life that I’ve been a bit anxious about it.
It’s been a crazy experience, battling with myself over the last 24 hours. One minute I’m totally calm and looking forward to sitting around a campfire and taking a break from city life and the next I’m shaking and having a panic attack because I want to bail but feel guilty about it. Rationally I know there is no reason I shouldn’t go. I love camping, I know I can keep up on their hike, and if any group dynamics aren’t ideal I can read a book in my tent or never see them again, but emotionally something just feels off.
Because of where I am in life right now, the pressure I feel to go on this ostensibly very insignificant and not life changing camping trip has become immense. I know my mind wants to go because I love camping and these guys are decent humans, I know my friends want me to go because it will be a good story to tell, I know my lungs want me to go because they crave exercise and fresh air, I know my parents want me to go because they worry I don’t date enough, I know my pride wants me to go because I like to think of myself as strong and adventurous and brave and spontaneous, I know my future self wants me to go because regret sucks and deep down I know I want to go because I need to change my routine.
And yet. I’m not going.
This an unprecedented failure for me. Suddenly I’ve become someone that says no to opportunities, that worries her family and friends, that can’t keep her emotions in check, that isn’t willing try new things, that is never going to date, that is lazy, that is fearful, that is weak, and that isn’t the person who she thought she was.
This realization has hit me hard today, and I basically can’t stop crying every time I let these thoughts in. Suddenly I’m someone that bails on things she says she’ll do. And it sucks.
I know that I’m being hard on myself and that tomorrow is an entirely new day. I know I’ll start over and make new choices, that I’ll have new opportunities and more adventures. I know I can redeem myself and I know I’ll keep trying my best because I always will. But today sucks because I’m staring face to face with the unavoidable conclusion that I’ve completely let myself down. Damn.
First of all, I will say that I appreciate the fact that you are reliable and always up for adventure. It’s a great quality to have and certainly one of the reasons you have so many friends always inviting you to do stuff. That being said, though, I think you are being a bit too hard on yourself here. Bailing once isn’t a colossal personal failure. Sometimes we all need a quiet weekend with no pressure or commitments, social or otherwise. Now you have the perfect reason to text him back–if you want to–in a few days and ask how their trip was. The ball is in your court, and that’s always a good position to be in for an empowered female like yourself. 😉