A field guide to growing up without growing apart

Author: Cindy

I Hate When Other People Don’t Plan Their Lives Around Me

You know what I mean? Isn’t it just the most irksome thing when somebody has the nerve to do something that affects ME negatively? Obviously there’s sarcasm here, but this is also a real-life emotion I’m struggling with right now. I don’t want to be […]

This Too Shall Pass

Life goes on, doesn’t it? Back in December I had to say goodbye to my husband, knowing I wouldn’t see him again for 4+ months. At the same time, I had 16 weeks of student teaching stretching out in front of me, an experience I […]

The 5 People I Didn’t Meet in High School

Okay, who am I kidding? If there’s one thing I have learned from spending the last four months teaching in a public high school, it’s that there are way more than five types of students. It’s really a grab-bag out there, with the future Presidents, models, car salesmen, and hobos all rubbing shoulders in the slightly cramped and run-down hallways of our schools. I’ve actually come to see my school’s diversity as a really beautiful thing, as challenging and crazy as it may make it to teach there. A public school being a vast and diverse place is not news—it’s a well-known fact. Yet, for me, the past four months have been one huge realization, not just about schools in general, but about the school I attended and loved for four years.

Seven years ago I graduated from the same high school where I now student-teach, and to 18-year-old me, that school was a pretty small place. There might have been five types of people I met there, but they all took AP classes and filled their extra hours with sports and music lessons. Yes, we came from families of slightly different socio-economic backgrounds, we had varying interests. Sometimes our religious and political views were in drastic contrast. But we had all the important things in common: a work ethic, plans for our bright futures, three square meals a day that didn’t come from tax-payer money, you know. Those things.

The thing about a student’s day is that it follows a very set pattern. They usually get to school at the same time, take the same route from class to class, and sit at the same lunch table with the same people. I was no different, but what I now see is that my insulated path around the school completely bypassed whole wings of the building, whole segments of the student population. I was there almost every day, but there was so much I missed.

breakfast clubAs a teacher, I’m getting the bird’s eye view I never had as a student. It’s like looking at an ant farm from the outside—you can see everyone and how they function, but the individual ants can only see the tunnel in front of them. I know now that when my privileged bum vacated that desk, an under-privileged one probably filled it, and that person’s high school experience was vastly different from my own. I realize now that most of my teachers didn’t spend all day having deep discussions with their AP kids—when we left the room they had to try and teach upper-classmen how to read, coax those in the grip of gangs and poverty to complete the simplest of daily tasks, and write people up for cursing to their faces.

And so, even though in my own school alone I’ve discovered a plethora of individuals with strengths, weaknesses, worldviews, and needs that I never knew existed, here are just five of them—five people I was too self-absorbed to notice then, but I have definitely noticed now.

 

  1. The kid who is literally too poor to do homework.

I’m used to hearing a lot of excuses about why little Jimmy couldn’t manage to finish his homework, and usually I’m pretty skeptical. However, I currently have a student in class who has no computer or internet access at home, which makes it pretty tough to work on the research project I just assigned or type up her essay. Go to the public library, I said. Well, her mom doesn’t have a car, so she’d have to take the bus. It’s not an insurmountable challenge, and it won’t get her out of doing her work, but it’s still a glimpse of a world I couldn’t even have imagined when I was 14. The same kid has also mentioned that she might miss some school later this week because her mom couldn’t pay the power bill, and their electricity is getting shut off. She doesn’t want to come to school without a hot shower, and I can’t really blame her.

 

  1. The kid who hates to learn.

When I was in school, I spent my fair share of time complaining about homework or boring assignments, and my friends and I all had subjects that weren’t our favorites. But we weren’t anti-learning. However, I have several students who act as if they’ve absolutely never met an assignment that was worthwhile. Whatever I ask of them, it’s a burden. It’s “lame.” It’s entirely too much effort. And worse, when you try to engage with them and ask them what they’ve learned, they give you attitude. Like, how dare you expect that I might actually learn something? I’m only here because I have to be. This type of kid will mouth off or act up when you point out (even in the nicest way) that they’re doing something wrong. They act like your help is offensive and they’ve got it covered, while simultaneously demonstrating their own ignorance every step of the way. It’s infuriating, and of course the ones they’re truly hurting with that attitude are themselves.

 

  1. The mentally retarded and/or mentally ill kid

Unfortunately there are quite a few kids in the public schools these days with mental troubles greater than those a teacher is really qualified to deal with. This can take many forms. Sometimes they have a label, like Autistic or Oppositional Defiance Disorder, and sometimes there’s just something not right in their head. Recently, my mentor teacher mentioned that she thought one of our low-achieving students might be mentally ill. The thought had never occurred to me, but once she said it, his odd behavior, inability to focus, and consistently bad choices started to make more sense. The problem is, even if it makes sense, that doesn’t help us deal with the issues stemming from these mental problems. We aren’t trained as doctors or therapists, which makes it pretty overwhelming to try and help these kids.

 

  1. The drug dealing gang-banger

When I was in school, my parents warned me about “bad” kids who would try to sell me drugs, but to me they were about as real as trolls that live under bridges. To my knowledge, I never saw a drug deal go down, nor did anyone ever offer me drugs. I saw kids smoking cigarettes at the edge of the parking lot each morning, but never did I suspect they might be using substances harder than tobacco. I was blissfully naïve, just sheltered from those kinds of people. Now I know they really did exist, and still do, especially since marijuana is now legal in our state. There are multiple boys in my class who talk about vague sources of income and who regularly have their backpacks checked by school administrators. They’re known dealers, plain and simple, and their academic performance tends to match up with their chosen career path. All I can say is that I hope a life of crime turns out to be as lucrative and fulfilling as they seem to think it will be…but the logical part of me knows the majority of these kids will end up in prison within the next few years.

 

  1. The kid who is already gone

I teach freshmen, which means they should be relatively innocent and still have high hopes for their futures. However, I’ve met a few freshmen who, by the end of their first semester in high school, had already given up on the idea of graduating. They failed every class and didn’t seem at all concerned. Why try to right the ship when drowning was their plan to begin with? One particularly exasperating student does almost no work in class because he, “doesn’t F-ing care about school,” and has made it clear he’s only there for the free breakfast and lunch everyday. He intends to drop out as soon as he’s 16 and legally able to do so, and he doesn’t care who knows it. This student’s performance and attitude are so poor that my mentor teacher has told me repeatedly not to waste any more time coaxing him. It’s sad to say we’ve given up too, but why should I give my time and effort to someone like him, when there are 29 others in the room who are still trying? From what he’s said, I suspect he’s involved in the trade described in #4, and I can already tell that won’t end well for him. When people give statistics about the maddeningly high percentage of young black men in the prisons or killed by homicide, this kid’s face always comes to mind. Is there really nothing I can do to stop it?

 

This week marks the end of my student teaching experience, and the last time I will be teaching these five types of students for at least a few years. But I will never be able to think of my high school in the same way I did 5 months ago. I’m so grateful that my high school experience was a positive one, and I know my school and my teachers served me well. I just wish I could do more to create the same kind of experience for the huge percentage of kids who fall into these five categories. I would never have been any use to them at all if I hadn’t let my idealistic picture of high school disintegrate a bit. Though I still can’t say I have tons in common with these five kinds of people, at least now I have a little more empathy.

It Just Got Really Hard

I’m done. I’m done living with my parents, sleeping alone, and substituting five-minute Skype conversations for real intimacy. It’s now been over three months since I’ve seen my husband, and up until just recently, I think I was handling the separation quite well. I threw […]

Condition of the Month–April 2014

Now that we’re solidly in our mid-twenties, we’re probably old enough to ask questions like, “What’s wrong with kids these days?” Whether it’s the pervasiveness of technology or bad attitudes about school, you can’t deny that today’s kids and teens have some issues. Here’s what […]

Springing Forward

Crocus_vernusA few weeks ago I posted about how I was down in the dull, wintery dumps. Bummed about being away from my husband, frustrated by bratty teens at work, losing interest in things that I used to enjoy, and sleeping away most of my free time. It was the first time in my life that I found myself seriously considering if I was depressed. But now it’s time for an update, because hey—spring has sprung!
I talked before about how the dark, rainy days kept me feeling down, so now that our dear friend Daylight Savings Time has come around again, it’s no wonder that my spirits have started to lift. It’s actually light out most mornings when I leave for work AND when I get home, and everywhere I look there are buds on trees, flowers springing out of the ground, and evidence of, well, life!
I’ve forced myself to get out of the house a bit more recently, though I haven’t completely given up on my afternoon naps. In the last three weeks I’ve been to visit an aunt in Oregon, as well as my in-laws and friends in Seattle, and next weekend I embark on a road-trip to visit an old friend and her husband. And this weekend I’ll get to see a bunch of fun people at a friend’s bachelorette party and wedding.
As far as work goes, there have been some positive moments, although they’re always mixed in with plenty of teenage angst and the annoyances that inevitable accompany trying to teach lazy potheads to write essays…I had my third official evaluation of this student teaching process and scored well. AND, I received some big news: I’ve officially been hired for next school year at a brand-new school opening up back in the Sandbox. So when I feel a negative mood coming on, I just try to remind myself how incredibly blessed I am to have a job lined up—yay for things to look forward to!
This time of living apart from my husband and powering through a professional challenge has been tough, but I can officially see the light at the end of the tunnel. As of tomorrow I have only four weeks left of teaching, and 46 days until I hop a plane back to my old life. I’m stoked! And in the meantime I’m going to do my best to make the most of all those days, focusing on the positive as much as possible. I know I’ll look back on this someday and know it was definitely not the hardest thing I ever had to do—there are probably much more intense and potentially depressing challenges somewhere in my future. Isn’t it all kind of a matter of perspective, anyway?

Winter Blues

Guys, I’m in a rut. I may even be depressed. It’s the halfway mark for my student teaching, meaning in 8+ weeks I’ll be back with my hubby (YAY!) in that sunny desert-place we call home. But right now, I’m living with my parents in […]

Texts From Last Night

I came of age with the first cell-phone technology, and I vividly remember the day when a high school friend first taught me how to use t9 to text. Since then cell phones have become even more ubiquitous, and today most people are never without […]

I’m Too Young for This Shit

Recently Snow Whore shared her Murtaugh List—the things she’s outgrown and can’t be bothered with as a twenty-something. I loved her post, and it inspired me to respond: here’s my list of things I’m simply too young to be doing, yet, somehow I am.

You may remember that I’m in a bit of an odd situation right now, living at home with my parents for a 5-month stint while wrapping up my Master’s degree and student teaching at my former high school. With my husband thousands of

Hey, look! A young Alex Trebek!
Hey, look! A young Alex Trebek!

miles away in Saudi Arabia, and my friend group mostly scattered and out of reach on a daily basis, I’ve developed some odd past-times, which brings us to #1 and #2:

1. I am too young to spend my Friday nights watching Jeopardy. My little brother and I are both long-time fans of the show, and we’ve taken to watching it quite frequently, especially on Friday nights. I can’t tell you how relaxing it is to sit back and listen to Alex Trebek’s voice while answering trivia questions. I honestly enjoy it quite a bit, but inside I cringe a little, knowing that I have exchanged my fellow twenty-somethings, sleepovers, bars, and night-life in general for quality time with my nerdy little brother and a 73-year old game show host.

2. I am too young to do embroidery. That’s right, oddly enough since returning home I’ve rekindled an interest in a hobby I dabbled in as a pre-teen: cross-stitch. I’m currently in the process of cross-stitching a sweater for my mother-in-law, and it’s honestly one of my favorite things to do, even though it kills my eyes after a while, prompting me to reach for my MAGNIFYING GLASS NECKLACE. Literally, it’s a big plastic magnifier that grannies wear around their necks for use while working on crafts like this. I may be proud of my crafting efforts, but it was still a low moment when I spent five minutes squinting and trying to thread my needle, thinking to myself, “Am I going blind?”

emrboidery Geriatric hobbies aside, there are a few other things in my life that have me feeling a tad panicky, like a kid being prodded in the door to the first day of Kindergarten who desperately wants to go home and take a nap with her security blanket. Adulthood is on me, a full-blown case of it, despite the fact that I currently live with my parents. And adulthood brings with it wonderful things, like the trip to the gynecologist I’ve been avoiding for years.

3. I am too young to be okay with people sticking instruments and hands up my vagina. Well, technically I am not too young for this kind of doctor’s appointment, since I’ve been overdue for this checkup for a while. But still, even though I was kind of impressed when the doctor said, “Your ovaries feel great,” that doesn’t mean I wasn’t wishing I was just there for a quick tune-up, not the deluxe lube service. The good news is, I apparently don’t have cervical cancer. So, worth it? Thank-god I’m not due for another one for another three years…maybe I’ll feel old enough by then.

While I was at the gyno she asked me if I was planning a pregnancy any time soon. I said no. But that’s another thing that has to be included on the list of things I’m too young for.

4. I am too young to procreate.  I am currently attending a small group in which all the other women have kids or are currently pregnant. It’s fine, but I always leave the discussions secretly glad that I’m still childless and free. Sure, there are times when having a baby sounds great, but most of the time I still feel too young. Because, shoot, when you have kids of your own, that’s got to make you feel old.

My husband has a “real job,” and hopefully one day soon I will too. Like one that actually pays me! But real jobs require retirement accounts, taxes, investments, and all kinds of stuff I don’t really want to think about, even if I know it is important, which leads me to my last point:

5. I am too young to buy a house. Recently my husband charged me with the task of researching the housing market and “finding us a house to buy.” We’ve been wanting to invest and do something more with our money that letting it sit in the bank, where it inevitably loses value. And everyone keeps saying that “now is a great housetime to buy!” But I feel utterly unprepared for this task. The idea of owning an asset worth so much money is really daunting. I have a list of questions a mile long. I know the only way to become more informed is to actually do that research, but the kid in me just wants to turn the other way and put this step off for another 5 years.

And did I mention that I observe a strict 9:00 bed time? Yep, I’m feeling old, despite the fact that as a 25-year old I should be in the prime of my life. I guess I can only hope that when I really am an old granny, I’ll be able to tap back into my inner twenty-something.

I Hate It When I Cry

There’s something I really don’t like about myself: occasionally something will happen that makes me cry. And not just cry, like really lose it. Usually it’s some mistake I’ve made or a social interaction that didn’t go well, but once my reaction is triggered, it’s […]

The Long-Distance Marriage

What’s your stance on long-distance relationships? Can they ever work? I didn’t think so, until I tried it, three years ago when I was dating my now-husband. I won’t lie: it was hard. We relied on Skype dates once or twice a day and occasionally […]

Living with the Parents, a 20-Something Nightmare?

I’ve been working on a Master’s in Teaching for the past 18 months, and the end is in sight. The last thing I need to do to accomplish this goal is complete 16 weeks of student teaching, and that pursuit has led me halfway around the world to my hometown, where I am now interning at my former high school. It’s a great opportunity, but it comes with a price—exchanging my husband for my parents and younger brother for the next four months.

I’ve now been living at home for two weeks, which equals or exceeds the number of consecutive days I’ve spent in this house in the last several years. Obviously I’m grateful to my parents for having me: the free food is awesome, and I’ve commandeered one of their cars, too. But do the perks of living at home outweigh the annoyance?

My brother, Tweedle-Dum, plays video games all day since he is unemployed until he joins the Navy in a few months. The first day we spent together drove me up the wall—it was maddening to watch him waste away the hours sitting on the couch while I ran around doing productive things. Then there are my parents. Where to begin…

living at homeIt’s a funny thing I’ve noticed about becoming an adult: suddenly, I am hyper-aware of my parents’ shortcomings. Things that never bothered me growing up are suddenly HUGE pet peeves. For example, their housekeeping. My parents have never had a clean or organized home, and since I am not a neat freak, this never bugged me too much. Of course, back then my brothers and I were a big part of the problem, since we were pretty lazy and were always trying to find ways to get out of doing chores. But since then I must have matured, or something, because suddenly the endless clutter and mountains of dirty dishes are atrocious eyesores I can’t stand to be around. I’ve been visiting the kitchen compulsively, not to snack but to tidy up, throw away random trash left on the counter, or check on the status of the dishwasher.

I think I’ve become accustomed to a different lifestyle, since after moving abroad I haven’t been able to accumulate that much STUFF, at least not nearly as much as my parents have in their twenty-something years of marriage. I like things simple. I like there to be space around me, not piles of Christmas decorations and stacks of unfolded laundry. I like to be able to walk through my garage without needing parkour moves. Is that really so much to ask?

I feel a little bit better, though, knowing that it isn’t just my parents who are hoarding slobs. Today I was having coffee with a good friend who also recently returned home for a while. As we described the headaches of living at home it was like we were telling the same story; apparently she, too, is frequently overcome by the urge to have a massive garage sale while her parents aren’t home and clear out all their crap. The only problem is, I know it would all accumulate again in no time. Even my in-laws show the same symptoms—they have multiple properties filled to the brim with boxes that haven’t been touched in years!

Though the clutter is my main beef with my family right now, there are other things too: the way they cook, their habit of buying way, way too much food, the fact that my dad comes home from work and turns on Fox News…But the thing about these idiosyncrasies that I find fascinating is how we twenty-somethings come to separate ourselves from our parents. Even two or three years ago, I don’t think my family’s dirty kitchen would have bothered me too much, but now it does. It really, really does. How does that happen? Our families shape our values so much, so why is it that I find myself wanting to abandon things that have been standard in my home for as long as I can remember? What other influences in my life have made me the adult that I am today, and what determines where that outside influence diverges from my upbringing?

Of course, I love my family and appreciate much of what they have taught me. But living at home again has made me realize more and more that I am my own person, and that will probably continue to develop for decades to come, until the day when I’m annoying my own grown children by being set in my ways.