A field guide to growing up without growing apart
Hello! It feels like forever since I last posted, funny how that seems to be the theme we’ve got going lately, all of us princesses sort of putting this old blog on the back burner while real life takes all our attention. We’ve been at […]
It’s my birthday! And Cindy’s birthday! And we’re turning 25. Holy. Crap. This time last year Cindy wrote a beautiful ode to our twinship, explaining how learning of our shared birthday has become such an important part of our lives since. This year I wanted […]
OUR QUARTER LIFE CRISIS IS HERE!
In the spirit of me and Cindy turning 25 in a few days, I’ve asked the girls to discuss their Quarter Life Crisis for November’s Condition of The Month. Maybe it has to do with Thanksgiving gratefulness, or maybe it’s just because we’re all doing way better than we could be, but I think this twenty something life looks good on us.
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So, I feel like I need to begin by establishing that I am the youngest member of the naughty princesses. Unlike my more-mature counterparts, I just turned 24 at the end of August, so for me 25 still seems a terrifying- yet distant- number.
But why is it terrifying? I mean, I know it shouldn’t be, but 25 just sounds so… old. Somehow I am still carrying around my teenage vision of being 25 which involves sexy pencil-skirts, a sophisticated free-lance career, and a studio apartment in New York City.
Somehow I now seriously doubt that will be my life at 25. And honestly, I don’t actually want any of those things– I have never been a pencil skirt person, and who needs New York when you have England anyway?… But still, that vision exists somewhere there in the back of my mind with the words: twenty-five stamped on it.
But a quarter life crisis? I don’t think there will be much of one for me. I am really happy with my life right now– so although I know that 25 will not meet my teenage expectations, I think it will supersede them! I am looking forward to replacing those Hollywood-influenced illusions with real experiences and memories.
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OHHHH BOY. Where to begin? Well did I mention that I was living at home and unemployed this time last year? Or that I still have no idea what I want to do with my life? Or that I’m planning on quitting my perfectly acceptable job in February to burn through a ton of cash while exploring Europe? With absolutely no inkling of what I’ll do when I get back? And as for envy and comparisons, two of my fellow Princesses are married and the other is putting her all into a career she loves (while dating a boy who writes her love letters), while my closest relationships are with my brother and parents – all of which will change completely when I move out in a few months. So yes I’m definitely feeling behind on this whole grown up relationship/career/home/life thing.
But here is the thing guys, I’m oddly calm about all of this. I feel the strongest and most optimistic I’ve felt since I was deciding which college to choose. I feel young and lucky and beautiful and intelligent, ready and excited to begin this second quarter of my life. There is so much I know I can and want to do, and at this point I’m incredibly confident that I’ll do it.
It feels like I’ve pushed past the crisis already, coming out of the turmoil and uncertainty of my early 20s with easy joy and trust in my abilities. Maybe I haven’t really begun the crisis yet and come 27 I’ll be crying alone in my room sad that nothing worked out. Or this could even be the eye of the storm, a brief moment of false security before the crippling anxiety hits again. But right now (and for the last few weeks) things seem to be looking up.
When I think of who I’ve been I’m proud of her decisions and I trust my future self to make the best choices she can as well. Sure I might not be living the best life imaginable, but I am trying, and while I still have no clue about anything, I know that I’m not supposed to. It feels great to be taking action in my life, not just in my upcoming travels, but also in wrapping up old to do lists, pushing myself to say yes to things that scare me and making plans for new ones. It’s okay not to have all the answers yet, and as long as I’m willing to work hard until I do, that is all that matters.
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When I was thinking about how to answer this question, my first thought was that I wasn’t really having a quarter life crisis. Then I realized that this wasn’t really true, it was just that my crisis was not entirely my own, and not an entirely typical quarter life crisis.
You see my crisis involves my husband. Mostly, it involves how I relate to him while he is in crisis, and how I can mature in order to support him and stop being selfish. As most of you know, we’ve been through a whirlwind together and most recently he accepted a job aboard a cruise ship meaning that he will be gone for at least six weeks. This is my crisis. I know that he is doing what he needs to do, but I need him to be here. I know how I should handle it. I know that the adult thing to do is bear this burden gracefully and be strong while he is gone. However what I have done is burst into tears and freak out when I have to deal with car licensing paperwork that would be his responsibility were he around. I know that I can be independent and make it on my own for a while, but I don’t want to! The stress I feel is the stress of knowing the kind of wife I should strive to be but holding stubbornly to my selfish desires anyway. I want to be the kind of wife who helps him achieve his dreams and willingly sacrifices her time and effort to support him. But more often I find myself wanting to tell him he should never leave my side because I hate it when he’s gone.
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I am about to turn 25, and I actually feel…pretty good about it. Oddly, I remember having a harder time turning 23, knowing that my college years were over and I had to enter the land of true adults. Well, two years have gone by since then, and I do think I’ve acclimated to being an adult, while still staying relatively young at heart. Perhaps because I’m proud of what I’ve done in my twenties so far and I’m pretty content with my life, 25 isn’t looking so bad.
Actually, lately I have been absolutely in love with my twenties. So much so that the other day I described to my husband how awesome I thought it would be if we could have TWO decades of our twenties, then have our thirties to focus on raising kids, and then continue on as usual. Obviously certain facts about biology and physics preclude this happy fantasy…but still. Wouldn’t it be GREAT? The fact that we physically can’t extend this amazing decade leads to the conclusion that we should probably just make the most of it, which is what we’re all trying to do here at the Twenty-Something Condition.
I’m not an expert on how to do that, though. I’ll admit I spend my fair share of wasted time on facebook and other non-life-enriching websites, watching TV, doing dull work, sleeping, you get the idea. But I’ve also taken risks and said yes to things I never would have considered in the past, like my current two jobs and the whole ridiculous fact that I live on the other side of the world and kind of love it. I guess I’m making the most of these years as best I can…I hope I improve that skill though, because the years are never going to pass by any more slowly than they are right now.
Am I in a crisis? Not really, though I do often reflect on the passing of time and how weird it is to have lived for 25 whole years. My grandmother died recently, and she was my last living grandparent. In my family, at least, a generation is gone, and that means my parents’ generation will be next, and then…
When I think that way it’s easy to worry that life is passing me by, but luckily I can still snap myself out of that pretty easily, just by looking around and marveling at how wonderful and blessed my life is. To me, that’s a good place to be, no matter your age. Bring it on, 25! I’m ready for more awesome.
Well hello there blog world! I don’t have much time this week since I’m packing for a rafting trip this weekend (heading down to Cataract Canyon in Moab for four days of river bliss) but that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten about you! The last few […]
I wasn’t sure I was going to write this. Part of me doesn’t want to acknowledge that it happened at all. But… not talking about it makes me feel like it was somehow my fault, like I should be ashamed for how a stranger made […]
So I went to Las Vegas for a friend of a friend’s birthday this weekend and if there is only one thing you ever learn from me it’s that you are the ONLY person who can make your expectations a reality.
My expectations were low going in; I’m not a gambler, smoker, pool person or much of a clubber (club person? Clubette?), and while I love Vegas for the adventure (and of course talking to strangers), spending money on souvenir drink cups and redirecting wandering hands isn’t my favorite way to spend a weekend. Besides, I’d been to Vegas before (with Cinderslut for a spring break in college) and we’d seen how easy it was for our usually carefree friend to crumble under the pressure of making her 21st birthday live up to everything she’d hoped it would be. Back then we’d tried to do it all the first night, getting stuck with two days of a grumpy, hung-over birthday girl and crew. Luckily, we can laugh about it now, and even with all that drama I still have some incredibly fond memories from that weekend. Vegas is unpredictable, and I like to think its unconventional and uncooperative parts are what’s best about it.
So heading into this weekend with six other girls who knew each other much better than I did, I wasn’t too worried about making it the best weekend of my life. I was just going to go with the flow, head off by myself when I wanted to and meet up with them when it seemed appropriate. It was going to be great.
Our four-passenger, broken-down car got there Friday night after three extra hours of sitting on the side of the 109 degree Nevada highway waiting for a tow truck. At the hotel we showered off the sweat and crankiness as best we could but as we wandered the strip that night it was difficult to shake the memory of car insurance negotiations and the state trooper’s long winded stories.
I made the best of it, offering to take photos of strangers and making conversation where I could, but most of the girls I was with weren’t as enthusiastic – opting to head in early (while I stayed out with one of them and had a blast), promising themselves tomorrow would be better. On any other weekend, a move like that would have little consequence, but when you come to Vegas with high expectations, counting on all of them to come true in one night is a lot of pressure for a city that is anything but conventional.
The next day was quiet, filled with naps, pool time and one of the most awkward lunches I’ve ever been to – if they wanted to play games on their phones instead of talk to each other that was their choice (I can entertain myself anywhere). But their hours in Vegas were ticking away and I knew better than to rely on the promise of later, leaving them to nap while I explored the city and introduced myself to people who told me interesting things about travel and tattoos.
Because they were bored, the girls started getting ready for dinner hours beforehand, so it made sense that once we got to dinner (at the never worthwhile Hard Rock Café) our anticipation was at a breaking point. We’d waited all day (all week? All month?) for the appropriate time for the fun to begin, and when it didn’t, things got worse. The shy birthday girl was forced to take a shot in front of the entire restaurant and never really recovered, her mood going from neutral to straight up pissed in a matter of minutes. We caught a cab to Fremont Street because a few of us had never been, but it was long and expensive, leading us further and further from the exhilarating night we’d imagined.
A crowded, high-ceilinged, casino-mall place that hosted 90’s cover bands and an unimpressive laser light show, The Fremont Street Experience was nothing more than a scaled down strip, a more manageable social scene for overweight tourists and overprotective mothers. I felt like a sheep packed into a pen as we all wandered in circles looking for adventure and finding only off-putting capitalism. I may sound a bit harsh but this place felt like our group extrapolated to a 1000x scale, an entire street of people all making the effort to be available to new experiences but not willing to create anything themselves. It was like Vegas for uninteresting people.
We waited in line for a few cheap drinks and even wandered our way into a club for some dancing, but we were over dressed and underwhelmed. It just wasn’t quite right, and pretty soon we’d noticed silent tears falling from the birthday girls cheeks. Attention only made it worse and when we finally admitted that none of us wanted to be there we packed into a cab and hoped the strip would turn our night around.
Our mood definitely lightened the closer we got to the main drag, but now the fatigue set in – our feet attempting to call us to bed even though it was barely 11pm. We mostly ignored the pain, wandering casinos until we ended up in a club by default (no one took the lead for fear of being responsible for even more disappointment). At that point I broke away from the group, dancing alone and with a few guys (one of which pretended to be decent until he made me feel the most violated I’ve ever felt). There was only so much I could do to make this night fun for these girls, and when I was feeling down on the world and none of them attempted to take the lead and bring me or anyone else back up- I knew the night was a bust.
After that the night was mostly over, the girls crawling back into bed with drunken disappointment on their lips. A few of us went back out for an hour or so to watch the street performers and I even went up and told a beautiful guitarist that his music was the best part of my night. I meant it.
The next morning we packed up and wandered a bit more, finally taking the time to enjoy each other and appreciate where we were now that we had nothing left to lose. I could tell they were all trying to make the best of it, trying to salvage something from the disaster they’d created by not creating anything at all.
When the birthday girl pulled me aside and asked if I’d had a good trip, clearly feeling insecure about how she’d acted the day before, I looked her in the eyes and told her I had – explaining that the same thing had happened at my friend’s birthday a few years before. I wasn’t lying when I said I’d had a wonderful weekend, I just didn’t mention that the best parts were the ones I’d deliberately gone out of my way to create.
Vegas isn’t all bark and no bite, but you have to go out and find your joy – you have to contribute to the world to get something great out of it.
Come January I’m getting on a plane and crossing the Atlantic. I have no idea where I’ll end up, how long I’ll stay or really why I’m going. I know I have/need/want to go but I’m having trouble explaining WHY to myself and others. In […]
Oh Brother. Where, oh where to start. I’ve written here and there about him on this blog already but writing an entire post on my favorite (and only) brother seems ridiculously daunting. He and I go way back, back to when he was born and […]
Summer is here! And so is our favorite time of the month when all four of us come together to discuss the same topic. This Monthly Condition post is more of a survey than a question, asking each of us princesses a few questions about our Spring. A lot can happen in a few months, but as usual one thing always remains the same – we’re still 20-something and we still haven’t found a cure:
First of all, I liked answering these questions because it reminded me of those surveys that used to go around on email and myspace back in middle school. So without further ado…
Thing that made you happiest to eat: There’s a Burger King near my new place that sells soft serve ice cream cones for 1 riyal (about 25 cents). Been there three times this week. Nuf’ said.
Moment you felt 20-something: When I browsed through some of my friends’ Linked In profiles and realized how far some people have come from the teenage versions of themselves that live in my memory.
Three things you learned: In the last three months I’ve learned bits and pieces of why Egypt is so ticked off at their President, how to write a simple line of computer code, and how to make my own yogurt.
Funny moment: Nothing is really coming to mind…maybe I need more humor in my life?
An adventure you went on: I flew to Dubai and played in a softball tournament. It was great to stay in one of those fancy Dubai hotels while simultaneously living out all my pent-up softball related fantasies. It would have been better if we’d won more games, though.
A conversation you had with a sibling: A topic my brother and I often discuss: which one of the three kids in our family currently holds “Favorite Child Status.” The current consensus is that he does, though I maintain that this is only because I’m so far away.
Thing you’re most proud of: Finishing my first year of teaching. As I mentioned in a previous post, it was the most amazing and challenging experience of my life.
Approximate weekly number of hours spent talking to people not in the same city as you: Well…so since I live across the world this number is going to be fairly high, or at least it would be if a 10 hour time difference didn’t mess up the Skype schedule so much. Basically all the people I love most in the world, other than my husband, live in a different city/country, and even he has been gone a lot on business recently! I’m going to say…6 hours per week, sometimes more.
A Book you read: Gone with the Wind has stolen my attention away from the never-ending Anna Karenina, and between the two of them it may be a while before I actually finish a book.
Song of your spring: Hall of Fame by The Script. I wrote the lyrics in several of my students’ yearbooks, because they summarize so well my dreams for them: “Be students, be teachers, be politicians, be preachers. Be believers, be leaders, be astronauts, be champions, be truth-seekers.” It was also the recessional at my school’s graduation a couple of weeks back. The perfect song to get stuck in your head for hours and bring up all kinds of nostalgic feelings.
Thing that made you happiest to eat: Popcorn, no questions asked. This spring I bet I make a huge bowl of it on the stove 3 times a week and I’ve even started going to more movies just so I can buy the large popcorn and get the free refill on the way out. I even invented a way to get it home without spilling at all. I’m a genius.
Moment you felt 20-something: Everyday, all day. It’s all I do. I most recently felt this way when I was talking to a 42-year-old and he said Jason Bateman used to be the juggernaut. Apparently he was in a show called Silver Spoons and I’m super young and everything wrong about the world because I haven’t heard of it. I also cried in a McDonald’s last week.
Three things you learned: Humidity doesn’t predict rain. Opening up old wounds hurts, but taking the time to help them heal properly is worth it. Parents are real people too.
Funny moment: My friend and I went to a theme park and I decided I was fine going on the Rocket – a thing that slowly raises you up and then drops you down a million miles. As it climbed I was talking out loud, feeling good, looking at the pretty view and commenting on what we could see when suddenly I panicked, screaming and yelling way before we were even at the top. I seriously thought I was going to die. Apparently it was funny because when we got to the bottom everyone on the ride smiled at me as I clung to my friend.
An adventure you went on: I had almost given up on finding the perfect backing fabric for my t-shirt quilt, making one last pass through the store before heading up to the counter with a boring beige that was… good enough, when I saw it. A perfect golden-yellow with a white snowflake pattern. It was magical love at first sight. But of course it was on clearance and a few yards short of what I’d need. All the stores we called were all out of it, all except one who said they should have it but wasn’t able to find it. I decided to take the risk and drive over there, wandering around for 45 minutes with the employees on a Friday night. Again we were on the verge of giving up, we’d looked everywhere multiple times when right where it should have been I found it. I jumped up and down screaming and my two helper friends ran over to celebrate with me. It was a moment I’ll never forget. Never settle.
A conversation you had with a sibling: My brother recently asked me to analyze his text conversations with a girl he likes. I decided he has a decent chance and told him to go for it. He is asking her to go swing dancing this weekend.
Thing you’re most proud of: That definitely has to be finishing my T-shirt quilt, though running a 10k through mud and obstacles is pretty cool too.
Approximate weekly number of hours spent talking to people not in the same city as you: I’d say I spend a solid 5 hours on the phone/skype with friends and another 6+ typing away on the interwebs. Does contributing to this blog count?
A book you read: The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern. To be honest the plot wasn’t my favorite; I never really got into the two magician’s love story, but what I did adore was their traveling circus and all the beautiful, amazing ways they used their magic and brains to make it incredible. I’m still so sad it doesn’t exist.
Song of your spring: Breathing Underwater by Metric. I heard it on the radio a few times and now it is everything I love about the world. It feels like a song for twenty-somethings, like we’re not sure if we’re doing anything right and yet we’re doing amazing impossible things at the same time.
Food: I’ve be going through a Beets craze for the last few weeks. Boiled, roasted, baked- beets are the best!
20-Something Moment: Friend-requesting an old professor from undergrad (she accepted!).
3 Things I’ve Learned: how to count the numbers in Italian; how NOT to make lasagna; how confusing yet awesome the Oxford undergraduate course is and how unlike any American university ever.
Funny moment: when I held the hand of the random fellow next to me on the plane when experiencing turbulence. Turns out he is an assistant professor in Belfast and told me to ‘look him up’ if I was ever in town. lol.
Adventure: off-trailing it around a castle in the Czech Republic. Can you say nettle stings, everywhere? But still worth it.
Conversation with Sibling: this is an easy one because I have only had one conversation with a sibling in the last three months. This was when I called my sister who recently moved to Costa Rica. It was not a great conversation really, as we kept it pretty surface (avoiding contentious topics). The main thing I remember was her telling me I needed to 1) learn spanish and 2) visit her in Costa Rica.
Most Proud: Asking a security-guard in Russian why the cemetery was closed- and getting let in!
Hours Talking: A lot. I don’t even know. Probably somewhere between 15 and 20.
Book: The Unbearable Lightness of Being. A book that manages to be both beautiful and off-putting at the same time; definitely worth my time.
Song: The Coast by Paul Simon.
Thing that made me happiest to eat: Macaroni and cheese. My husband and I are systematically going through restaurants in our city trying to find the best mac and cheese. Subsequently I know want to open a Mac and Cheese restaurant that specializes in tons of interesting variations on the classic.
Twenty Something Moment: My mother in law casually asked me if I had plans to use my degree at some point in the future. After she left I had a confidence melt down and cried for twenty minutes.
Three things I learned: Money isn’t everything. I need a girl friend to vent with at least once a month…probably more. I can never buy enough cereal to satisfy my husband.
Funny moment: Watching an 18 year old co worker. He is a puppy. That is legitimately the best way to describe him. I think if I threw a ball he would actually play fetch with me.
An adventure: My husband and I decided to drive with no destination in mind. It was a really fun day that ended with ice cream and a sunset beach.
Conversation with a Sibling: Literally the only reason my brothers call me is to ask if I will babysit. They call and try to seem like they just want to catch up and I have to have a couple minutes of awkward talk before they go ‘soooo anyway…I was wondering if…’ Honestly. I know you don’t really care how I am, so just get to the point.
Thing I’m most proud of: I got promoted at work.
Hours talking to someone in different city: I have no idea. Honestly not as many hours as I wanted to.
Book I’ve Read: The only book I’ve been reading lately is with my husband and it’s called “The Meaning of Marriage” by Timothy Keller.
Song of my Spring: Stubborn Love by the Lumineers
I hate shaving my legs. You know how most girls have that story of stealing their mother’s razor when they were young because they just couldn’t wait to become a woman? Or that beautiful moment when they learned how to slide the delicate blades against […]
Friends I’m worried. What if social media is ruining our ability to actually presently enjoy anything? On Saturday I went to this thing called Color Me Rad and even though hundreds of people were theoretically there to enjoy themselves, in actuality I was hard pressed […]
So I’m single. I have been for a while. And in my day to day life it is most often not an issue. I have great family and friends and I don’t feel I lack love in any way. I even find ways to get my fix of butterflies by smiling at grocers and flipping my hair for garage sale men. It is all good. But upon waking up this morning I found Facebook had chosen today to remind me that maybe I’m slightly too casual about this whole not needing someone to love thing.
As of a few hours ago one of my crushes is officially engaged to his adorable girlfriend of 3+ years. Both their Facebook pages are ablaze with likes and comments and while I want to be happy for them, I just can’t quite believe that they never broke up. A year or so into their relationship one of our mutual friends confessed to me that she didn’t really see this particular couple’s compatibility, that she worried his shy girlfriend was holding him back, that he’d become less himself since they’d gotten together. As wonderful as his girlfriend was, she said, this girl just wasn’t right for her friend. Those words stuck with me because it was true, this boy wasn’t the same one I’d crushed on before they’d met.
I’m not delusional enough to think that he should have broken up with her and ended up with me; he and I are even less compatible than he and his fiancé, but their engagement has made me think; am I reaching the age of Where Have All the Good Men Gone? What if that is a real thing and all the good ones are actually gone?
Up until now I’ve largely thought of boys my age as just that, boys. Most 24 year olds are still kids who need a few more years to grow up before they’ll be life-long mate material. But have I just been kidding myself? Will I wake up one day and realize I waited too long, that other more forward women came along and snatched away my still maturing perfect matches before I deemed they were ready?
This boy is an awesome person, one that I am positive would be happier and more compatible with someone other than his fiancé. Sure he’ll be fine, but how do we accept a fine life for our friends? What does that mean for us and what we’re willing to settle for?
What if, by waiting for the right time, I’m actually missing the right guys?