So I’m single. I have been for a while. And in my day to day life it is most often not an issue. I have great family and friends and I don’t feel I lack love in any way. I even find ways to get my fix of butterflies by smiling at grocers and flipping my hair for garage sale men. It is all good. But upon waking up this morning I found Facebook had chosen today to remind me that maybe I’m slightly too casual about this whole not needing someone to love thing.
As of a few hours ago one of my crushes is officially engaged to his adorable girlfriend of 3+ years. Both their Facebook pages are ablaze with likes and comments and while I want to be happy for them, I just can’t quite believe that they never broke up. A year or so into their relationship one of our mutual friends confessed to me that she didn’t really see this particular couple’s compatibility, that she worried his shy girlfriend was holding him back, that he’d become less himself since they’d gotten together. As wonderful as his girlfriend was, she said, this girl just wasn’t right for her friend. Those words stuck with me because it was true, this boy wasn’t the same one I’d crushed on before they’d met.
I’m not delusional enough to think that he should have broken up with her and ended up with me; he and I are even less compatible than he and his fiancé, but their engagement has made me think; am I reaching the age of Where Have All the Good Men Gone? What if that is a real thing and all the good ones are actually gone?
Up until now I’ve largely thought of boys my age as just that, boys. Most 24 year olds are still kids who need a few more years to grow up before they’ll be life-long mate material. But have I just been kidding myself? Will I wake up one day and realize I waited too long, that other more forward women came along and snatched away my still maturing perfect matches before I deemed they were ready?
This boy is an awesome person, one that I am positive would be happier and more compatible with someone other than his fiancé. Sure he’ll be fine, but how do we accept a fine life for our friends? What does that mean for us and what we’re willing to settle for?
What if, by waiting for the right time, I’m actually missing the right guys?
Ohhh believe me they are out there!! Just stop looking and he will come out of no where….I know, I know you probably heard that already but it’s true…..and although you are correct that most 24 yr old men can still act like teenage boys…..it’s the same for 34 yr old men as well. I blame it on the video games………try a older man……I did, he’s 14 years older than I am……we met when i was 28 and he was 42 and he was NOTHING like the boys i dated in the past.
Good luck….and don’t stress…..he’s out there maybe you’re just looking in the wrong age bracket.
Separating the men from the boys. i like it.
I think about this too sometimes. I want to be married by 28 at the latest and have children before 30. I wrote about this a couple weeks ago, how twentysomethings don’t think about marriage and then 30 deadline comes along and we freak out! There’s something about growing up with your future spouse in your twenties. Growing from “kids”, as you say, to adults can say a lot about a relationship and possibly how you’ll work together and grow together in the future. Even in marriage there’s change and growth. I wish there was a formula or at least a check list of things to do so you can wind up magically with the right person… Since there’s not all I think we can do it know what we want, stick to those standards and create opportunities to find someone.
Completely agree, though the concept of growing with someone still slightly freaks me out. I know many times it works out perfectly, but I’ve also heard a ton of horror stories where the growth goes in opposite directions.
I wonder if I’m afraid to start early because it seems like we change so much more in our teens and 20s as compared to later. Does it make sense to think that there is less potential for growing apart later because even if our leaves are aimed in different directions we’ll still end up only a few feet from each other instead of miles?
I think I’m saying that if you find a person early you’ll either end up so close it will be awesome or so far apart it will be awful, but if you wait you’ll only be able to change a small amount so you won’t wake up one day living with someone you don’t recognize.
I don’t know if i believe that.
I agree that there is a “too early” stage. I’m not sure how reliable high school or college relationships are, although I know there are exceptions. If you grow together in your twenties you have the flexibility to adapt to the other persons needs, reactions, strengths and weaknesses. In our twenties we are still growing into ourselves, creating who we want to be. By thirty we already have created habits and rituals, we are pretty much who we are going to be at the core for the rest of our lives. I think coupling after thirty would be hard because there is more of an effort to adapt and work with the partner or even harder to find someone that naturally jells with you. In your twenties you can mold yourself, and the relationship you want. That mold can prepare you for how you will handle future changes and challenges.
The fear is real though, that’s for sure, because there’s always a risk of heartbreak. That’s why I think its good to have meaningful dates in your twenties. By meaningful dating I mean having thought about what type of marriage and spouse you want, then only choosing to date someone who meets those standards. There’s no guarantee, but dating in your 20s is what I think is the preparation that leads you to get married later. You won’t know what you like, what you need or who is even out there unless you try.
You’re right of course. None of this theory matters until I try.
I’m sure you will be fine. 🙂 Hurt is out there and its scary, but we can only learn from it and become stronger.
Look for the right relationship instead of the right guy. The right guy for the relationship you want might be someone you would otherwise pass by…
yeah.. i have to work on that too. It is so easy to make snap judgments. and even easier to make excuses, “I don’t feel supported, but he’s such a great guy!”
It’s all a matter of what you’re committed to. Ben Stein said, “The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.”
I think it’s easy to feel this way during this stage in life when a lot of people have started getting married, but the average age for getting married in the US is actually in the late 20s. So, statistically speaking, it can’t be true that all the good men are gone. 🙂 I do think it’s worthwhile to think about what you are looking for, though, while at the same time remembering that there’s no such thing as the perfect guy, just a guy who will make you happy.
Late 20s!? That means they’re all meeting the people they’re going to end up with right now! So much pressure! Thanks a lot Cindy!!!!! jk, you’re right. it’s fine. im fine. all i need is happiness.
Hey, Sleeping Booty- I totally sympathize, as it is something I have wondered about a bit on and off in the last couple of years. However, I have two points I want to share that at least comfort me a bit when I feel that way. One is practical, the other more abstract. On the practical side, it might feel like all the men are getting snapped up- but have faith, it’s only all the men in America! Elsewhere in the world, like in Europe, there are still plenty of men– nobody is getting married here! Okay, well, of course that is an exaggeration, but still… the average age for marriage is a fair amount later there than in the US. So, if all else, fails: move to Europe 😉 Although no guarantees about European men being more mature… they don’t seem to have solved that problem over here yet either.
So, now, on a more abstract and more serious note, I want to mention what I always tell myself: many men might be already taken, but it’s not like you need a lot of men anyway. You just need one, one good one. And… as many men as might be taken, I some how have the feeling there is always at least one left. You just have to find him 🙂
🙂 thanks red. I hear italian’s are pretty cool.
Try not to overthink this before you are even with a guy that you are considering being with forever. When you are with a guy you love, your thoughts on this might well be different, and that’s ok. Also, just be glad that you get to choose who you marry at all. Millions of people in the world today have their marriages arranged for them by their parents, and there’s no way out.