A field guide to growing up without growing apart
High school friends, college friends, work friends, family–have you ever wished two people from separate spheres of your life would meet? Just because both of them like you doesn’t necessarily mean they would like each other, but it’s kind of fun to think about, right? […]
Get ready for a post about that life milestone that I’m sure is crowding everyone’s newsfeeds more and more these days, parenthood. I married into a family where kids were already the main event; my husband’s two siblings had two kids a piece when we […]
We’ve all been a little (try a lot) distracted this month, so rather than scrap our monthly condition post we’ve just decided to post it now (very, very late) and talk about the things that distract us.
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Man oh man am I busy. That’s a fact. But who is to say which parts of my life are the distractions and which are the real things that I should be focused on? Sure finding a job and applying for health insurance are things I need to do, but isn’t spending time with my mother watching a television show we both love just as important? Since I’m about to move out my parents’ house for good I have to buy a new bed for my new place and stock up on groceries, but I also have photos from my spring trip to Paris and Spain and Ireland that my friends have been not so patiently waiting to see. Which is the distraction? Should I work to submit my photobook vouchers that expire at the end of the month or to finish the half written blog posts that never seem done? Should I spend my time working out or catching up on the news, cleaning the bathroom or trying to get a letter of recommendation? All I really want to do is to organize my room by sewing up another t-shirt quilt and scrapbooking all my high school boxes, but with so many other things with actual deadlines I just never feel ahead. And as if these distractions aren’t enough, throw other people into the mix and you’ve got one super unfocused person. You already know I spent an unreasonable portion of my summer preparing for my friend’s wedding, and you won’t believe how much time I’ve spent helping my brother with school and housing and everything else in his life. I write letters to friends, head out on hikes to catch up and go on trips just because I think they’ll appreciate it. My friend is going through a bad breakup and I’m even part of a secret Facebook group called Support Our Friend where we come up with ways we can help her. I could easily spend my whole life distracted by other people. But as distracting as friendships are, they’re worth it and as never ending as my projects are, they matter to me. Sure, I feel constantly distracted, like I should always be somewhere else doing something else, but I also always feel accomplished, because I’m constantly working to check things off my list. If I go on Facebook it’s to strengthen a friendship, if I am washing the dishes I’m making my family proud, if I make a scrapbook I’m de-cluttering my life. It’s true, all these things distract me from figuring out a career and a future, but all the things I choose to do make me who I am. And it’s exciting to realize that no matter what I do, nothing can distract me from that.
-Sleeping Booty
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Unlike any school I’ve ever attended, my current school had a two-week break at the beginning of October, so I got to go visit Merskank in the U.K. and relax for a while, which was really nice after a whirlwind first month of work. But for the last week it’s been back to school and back to the grindstone. I can tell you that I have a huge to-do list, with most of the items being school related. This is just part of life as a teacher—the work never ends. Luckily, I like doing what I do, so it doesn’t stress me out to have two novel units just getting off the ground and another one (on a book I haven’t actually gotten around to reading) imminently approaching, plus a social studies course, applying for a lead teacher position, an afterschool club, and other assorted responsibilities. Well, it doesn’t stress me out too much. Other than work, there isn’t too much to distract me, honestly. My husband and I are both in a busy season professionally, so we pretty much come home, collapse, cuddle for a few minutes, and then engage in what I like to call garden therapy. We walk around the backyard, look at the veggie plants just starting to sprout up (and our banana tree, which is just starting to bear fruit!) and talk about our days. And then…we have dinner and are in bed by 9 p.m., ready to do it all the next day. It’s busy, but it sure beats being unemployed!
-Cinderslut
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Distractions. Right now I feel like I’m letting life itself be a distraction. Lately I’ve been feeling that its time for me to make some job/career changes, but I hate the thought of applying to jobs and so I let my normal “busy life” be an excuse/distraction to keep me from actually putting effort towards making positive changes in my life. I will always be busy, so it’s not really a good excuse, but if I have to focus on work for 40 hours a week, and my home/social life for the rest of the time, than I can distract myself from the part of me that wants more. I know that it will get harder to keep that part of me silent, but at the same time, my fear of change and risk can be pretty loud as well. It’s definitely not a good long term solution, but it’s just so easy to do. And don’t all of us to some extent let the comfort of our everyday lives distract us from pursuing our goals and dreams? It is easier to consume yourself in the small dramas of everyday life than to ask yourself what you really want. Because if you ask yourself what you really want, one of two things will happen. Either you will realize that you have no idea what you really want (which is frustrating), or you will recognize what you really want but realize that getting there will be huge challenge and you don’t know if you have the guts to go through with it( which is terrifying). So when we come to that point, what do we do? We pretend like we never had the thought in the first place and go back to distracting ourselves. But a life of distraction is not a very full life, and secretly we all know it. The question is—what are we going to do about it? What will I do about it? At this point, I’m really not sure.
-Snow Whore
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Merskank has been the busiest of all of us lately what with TEACHING at Oxford, writing her thesis, and being a supportive friend, daughter, and girlfriend. Her answer to this question is yet to come.
So there was this guy. I know, I know, for as single as I am (hint: very) I write about boys a disproportional amount. How many crushes and almosts can a girl really talk about before her friends start to worry? But, please, bear with […]
So I got jealous this week. For our annual family and friend river trip we went to Desolation Canyon, spending 6 days rafting and drinking with a group of people I dearly love. But when I should have been relaxing and enjoying the phone-free natural […]
It sucks when your friends leave.
I know this is just a fact of life. It was only three years ago that the naughty princesses began to split up—each going their separate way, each living their own life. I was the first to leave. I had been accepted into a master’s program not just in another state, but in another country. Next it was Cindy, when she got married and followed her husband far away to a desert place. Finally, Booty moved back home—leaving Snow as the only princess who didn’t leave. And it was sad times.
It sucks when your friends leave.
Of course that doesn’t mean you can’t be friends any more. You can. (Princess Power!). But it still means seeing your friends less often, not getting to talk in person over a coffee, but instead having to skype in your bedroom. It means never dressing up and going out together, never being all together again at the same time… I digress.
Friends leaving is a part of life. But I feel like it is even more so the part of life for those of us in school. The naughty princesses all went their different ways after we all finished our undergraduate degrees. Now I am doing a graduate program and it has the same problems: people finish, and they move.
This summer, my two best friends are both leaving. One, just finishing her undergraduate, has packed up for good and moved back home to London. In the fall she will be starting on her Law degree at a prestigious law school. I am so happy for her! But I am also sad.
It sucks when your friends leave.
My other good friend—who has been my close friend from almost my first term in England—is also moving. Last year she got accepted into a PhD program in a University of London college. She actually spent this year living in Oxford and commuting (because paying London rent sucks!). But next year she is biting the bullet and moving to London. She is leaving in a week. I am happy for her; inside she is a city gal, and I know she will like living in London better than being in Oxford. Also it will hopefully make her life easier with less commuting, less time and money being wasted on travel. So I am happy for her. But still…
It sucks when your friends leave.
Now, I know I am being a bit melodramatic. It is not like my friends are moving so very far away… in both instances they are moving to the big city that is only an hour and a half by train away from me. So, I know we will see each other. We will make it happen somehow. But still… will it be less? I know I should embrace change—it is the current undergirding life, making it exciting and new. But still, there is something deeply sad about watching your friends go, it is one of those parts of life that is unavoidable but still seems unfair.
So we shall see how it goes. But for the moment I feel sad. My friends are leaving me.
GUYS! WHEN DID JUNE HAPPEN?! I feel like I always say this but, seriously, has spring gone by too fast for anyone else? Now that June is here and my Grand Euro Adventure is coming to a close I’m really feeling the pressure of heading […]
What’s your stance on long-distance relationships? Can they ever work?
I didn’t think so, until I tried it, three years ago when I was dating my now-husband. I won’t lie: it was hard. We relied on Skype dates once or twice a day and occasionally mailed each other old-fashioned letters. At one point we had a running google-doc of a journal that we both wrote in on almost a daily basis. We played Scrabble online. We were forced to focus on just talking, since there was nothing else to do—no cuddling, no sex, no dates. At that point in our relationship I think the distance actually helped us in that regard; we had to really get to know each other and we learned that we loved each other enough to make it work, even though it wasn’t convenient at all. Then, after two 4-5 month stints of that, we got engaged and then married, and since then have had a fantastic time living in the same house, going on dates, holding hands, and pretty much being together as much as possible.
However, as I mentioned last time, I’m stuck back in the Statesfor a few months finishing my Master’s degree (and living with my parents), and he’s back in the sandbox, working and living alone. Suddenly, we find ourselves in the exact same situation we were in this time three years ago, except now we’re married instead of just beginning to date. Woo. Freaking. Hoo.
I’m not super psyched about this turn of events. I got very used to having a cuddle buddy and a date to every event and a partner in crime. I know it’s only four months, and I know we have done it before, but I still miss him. Luckily, I’m busy with student teaching and am trying to enjoy my time at home as much as possible, so I think I actually have the easier end of things. I’m grateful I’m not the one having to live alone. I know we can handle it, because we have before, and that’s what I’m clinging to. But it still feels harder this time around, most likely because there is a big difference between dating long-distance and sustaining a marriage long-distance. I’m holding up okay so far, but what happens when I have an absolutely awful day at work and don’t have him to come home to? Or what about when my parents drive me completely insane and I have nowhere to turn, because I am trapped in their house?
To tell the truth, those aren’t my biggest worries, though. I can still bitch about my terrible day to him via Skype, and I can always retreat to my room and lock the door if my parents are bugging me, or even hop in the car and go spend the weekend with Snow Whore, who had to go through the same thing earlier this fall. I’m not even too worried about being celibate again—the occasional Sexy Skype Time will suffice, and the time apart will make it that much hotter when we finally are together again (second honeymoon?). But there are other concerns, mostly having to do with habits and how we will operate as suddenly “single” people. Will we get used to living separate lives and struggle when we have to start taking the other person into account again? Will the physical distance between us lead to emotional distance too? Will some girl flirt with him, and will he be tempted?
It’s only been three weeks, so I can’t draw any conclusions yet. Right now I’m glad to be making it through alright and very much looking forward to about 111 days from now, when I get to close the distance and get back to where I’m meant to be.
Man I love menfolk. It’s not that I don’t love women (female empowerment forever!), but I also just really (really) enjoy men, and as a result of spending the last few weekends in the company of more of the opposite sex than usual, I’m reminded […]
I woke up this morning to an email from an old… flame, and I… I don’t really know how I want to process it. Really long story sort of short (read: remember that data project I was working on?), he and I became close during […]
I will never have another best friend.
When I was little I used to manipulate other people into doing things I wanted by promising to be their best friend. You’d be surprised how often it worked, most people needing little more than an “I’ll be your best friend!”to convince them to part with the best items in their lunches. I never said it maliciously, but I did say it flippantly, promising something I knew I’d never really have to give. Even as a 1st grader I knew you couldn’t measure intimacy.
As I got older I stood by as my friends abused the power of friendship, laughing along as we ditched a girl who wanted to sit with us at lunch or watching safely from second place as my friend rotated best friends every few weeks. There were plenty of times I was more afraid of my friends’ judgments than of my enemy’s, powerless as we carelessly threw about best friends in order to figure out who we were. Teenagers want so much to be loved, it was easy to seduce each other with promises of friendship, even easier to hurt each other with them.
Somewhere along the way I realized that nothing good ever came from those two little words. Best friends always grew apart, always let each other down, always hurt the people around them. I still can’t think of one instance when publically calling someone a best friend has been used for good. Sure whispering to a significant other that he’s your best friend or even mentioning it to a good friend when they’re feeling low can be a good thing, but naming a best friend to the world does little more than hurt the runners up, forcing all of us to evaluate and compare our relationships in ways they were never meant to be. Friendship isn’t a game or a competition; I’m not the Bachelorette, I didn’t sign up to find the one friend who is right for me. It doesn’t make any sense to rank relationships I never have to part with; my heart is big enough to love a ton of people in a ton of ways.
A few weeks ago a good friend of mine got engaged and named me her Maid of Honor. I’m thrilled that she loves me and I have no problem helping her out in whatever way she needs, but it still freaks me out to think of our relationship in comparison to others. It is sad to think of all the other people in her life who love her and didn’t make the cut, it makes me even sadder to think about all the time I haven’t spent with her that I like to think she is spending with other people who love her even more. Suddenly I feel like our relationship is less organic, like this title of Number One Friend somehow brings with it a new set of expectations that I owe it to her to try to meet. Suddenly I feel like I’m in a relationship with someone who said I love you too soon and I’m supposed to either lie to them or break up.
That is ridiculous, and it sucks that a phrase that is supposed to be good brings with it so much bad. Obviously I’m not going to break up with her, but still, am I supposed to lie and say you’re the one friend I can’t live without?
Not to be narcissistic, but I have a lot of close friends, a ton of people who I love dearly and dearly love me. In the last few months I can name 4 people who have called me their best friend and that isn’t including any of the naughty princesses or two of my closest roommates from Seattle. Am I supposed to tell them all that they’re my one and only? How can I measure love? What purpose can it serve to name one the best? What does best even mean?
Maybe it’s true that I don’t let any of them all the way in, that I’m missing out on one great friendship (and I know significant others are a whole different story), but I hope that isn’t true. I hope that it means that I make an effort to stay in touch with people I love, that I refuse to let go of people who I no longer see every day. I like to think it means that our relationships aren’t tied to anything other than the two of us, that no matter what else in our lives changes, our connection will always exist.
The thing is, as hard as I’ve worked to keep that phrase out of my life, this weekend I realized that I did have a best friend. And that I officially have to let her go.
She and I met in 3rd grade and were mostly inseparable throughout the next 7 years. Sure we had other friends but we lived in the same neighborhood and liked the same things, so every night always distilled down to the two of us. In middle school we had sleepovers at least 2 nights a week and she’d call me to remind me to do my homework and I’d tell her which boys were looking at her during classes. In high school we captained our basketball team together, both of us making varsity when we were sophomores. We took the same classes, liked the same music and even worked the same summer jobs. We spent less time together after she got a boyfriend sophomore year and I branched into new interests, but she was always the person I’d see across the room and smile, the person who’s back I always had, the person I knew always had mine.
We rarely called each other our best friend then, but only because it didn’t matter. We were close and saying that phrase out loud only hurt the people around us. We were friends and that was all that mattered.
When we went to college things changed. She’d always had trouble being genuine with people, putting on a front when she was feeling insecure, so when we met up for Christmas and it took me a few extra hours to get her to open up, I understood. It is hard for plenty of people to spend time away and jump right back where we left off, I get it. But when I hopped on a plane to visit her for Spring Break that year and was met with a person I didn’t recognize I realized things were going to be different. I won’t go into how she treated me or the ways she held me at bay, but it hurt to be the focus of things I used to be able redirect. In high school I’d known her well enough and she’d trusted me enough to keep those things from me, now here I was only a few months later demoted to what felt like a surface level friend(though instead of using my name all week she called me Best Friend). With her the line is so clear between real and putting on a brave face, it felt like she was throwing knives at me every time she spoke, especially when she called me by a name that was supposed to convey intimacy. I couldn’t believe everything we’d had could be gone so fast and how hollow and cold the words best friend had become.
Over the next few years things didn’t get much better. I’d see glimpses of our old friendship and a few times I’d even get a few hours with the real her, but it was always a struggle, a real effort I’d have to make to remind her who we were, how we could be.
I went to visit her in California a few months ago and she wasn’t there at all. We spent a few days exploring her town and we did little more than politely complement each other and promise to call more. Sometimes it felt like we were nothing more than acquaintances, though on more than one occasion she introduced me as her best friend. This weekend she came home to visit me and her family and I cleared my schedule to try and break through. We were busy the whole time, if we had taken pictures our Facebook feeds would have made it seem like our friendship was at its best. But instead of the genuine reunion I crave from her, I spent three days with a person who’d given up on getting to know me, getting to know herself, and getting to know us. Any time I tried to talk about something real she’d pull away, remarking on the weather or our next activity. In moments of silence she’d make surface level conversation, repeating things we’d already discussed. When we had a real chance to go through some of our old stuff and reminisce or even reconnect she turned on a movie both of us had already seen.
When she dropped me off on Sunday night and my parents asked how our weekend had been I cried, trying to explain how terrible it is to sit across the table from someone you love and not be able to talk to her. How helpless I feel when I try to help her remember how wonderful and brilliant she can be, but am only met with resignation. Talking to them I realized I’ve said all of this a hundred times before, that she and I hadn’t been best friends for a long time. I realized that I hold her to a higher standard than I do the rest, that I’ve fought harder for her than I have for anyone else, that as badly as I want to help her find that spark she used to have, there is nothing else I can do.
So this weekend I said goodbye to my best friend. I’m not losing a friend, I know I’ll always be friends with her and I know I’ll always love her, but as of today I’m not going to look at her and hope to see someone she used to be. She isn’t my best friend anymore. Maybe if I’m able to let go of who she was I’ll be able to find ways to appreciate who she’s become.