A field guide to growing up without growing apart

Tag: Twenty-Something Condition

Leaving the Nest (Politically)

Leaving the Nest (Politically)

Guys- my mom likes Donald Trump. I don’t mean that she is crazy about him or thinks he is the best thing since sliced bread, but she likes him, respects him, and would vote for him for president. To me, Donald Trump appears obtuse and […]

The Inexorable Onset of Adulthood

The Inexorable Onset of Adulthood

The twenty-something condition. It all seems to come back to that—as much as we enjoy blogging about anything and everything here, the posts that resonate with me the most, and the real inspiration behind this blog, are the questions about growing up. The transition from […]

One Year Older – Embracing the Unknown

One Year Older – Embracing the Unknown

It seems like everything always changes on my birthday.

In my first year of college my birthday was the day that really solidified my friendship with the naughty princesses and made Seattle seem like home. On my birthday the year after I decided to apply for a spring study abroad in Greece and by my birthday junior year I was registering for journalism classes to get my double major. After we graduated my birthday was the day that Cindy’s prince proposed and we all started our paths to go our separate ways, I even got a high school basketball coaching job around then. A year after that I had just moved back to Utah when I was offered an engineering job on my birthday and started living and working with my father. A year after that I was buying a plan ticket to Europe on my birthday, taking steps to travel for 5 months and do something I’d always wanted.

So it makes sense that on my birthday this year things are changing again. I turned twenty six on Friday and as of that minute I am now unemployed, uninsured and paying rent.

I’m definitely equal parts freaked out and totally not worried, seeing as so many other things in my life are so great and every year I go through a time of unknown like this right around my birthday. I’m so grateful to have great friends and family that I know will help me out if something really ends up going wrong, but I’m confident things will work out as long as I don’t completely hide my head in the sand these next few weeks.

I have until November 15th to pick an insurance provider on the health.gov website and then I’ll have health insurance. So that is something I have control of and I’ve given myself a Thanksgiving deadline to find a ‘grownup job’ before I just take any easy job I can get to pay rent while I keep looking for the right career. And after working an easy job this summer I know I can handle it, so there is really nothing to worry about. I can do this unknown thing, because so many of the best things in my life came from moments like this, when I had no idea what to expect and just said yes to whatever felt right.

I think twenty six is going to be my best year yet. And believe me, it will be hard to top traveling Europe at 25, rafting the Grand Canyon at 24, coaching basketball, teaching science and taking care of my grandfather at 23, getting math and journalism degrees at 22, moving out of the dorms into a house with friends at 21, studying abroad at 20, meeting the naughty princesses at 19, and growing up with a family I am so proud of and grateful for.

With so many highlights and so many other millions of magical moments in between, a little unknown is something I can totally deal with.

One Step Back, Two Steps Forward

As 20somethings we’re no strangers to failure, often finding ourselves paralyzed by indecision or blinded by ambition. We cringe daily at what we didn’t do and what we haven’t become, what we said and what we believed and yet, as much as we stumble we […]

What Happens When Your Dream Comes True?!

The idea of a Bucket list has never really appealed to me. It seems like making a list of things to do before you die is so definitive and constricting. What happens if you die without completing it? What happens if you complete it and […]

Condition of The Month: June – Who Inspires You?

GUYS! WHEN DID JUNE HAPPEN?!

I feel like I always say this but, seriously, has spring gone by too fast for anyone else? Now that June is here and my Grand Euro Adventure is coming to a close I’m really feeling the pressure of heading back to my ‘real life’ in the states (and finally figuring out something like a career). When I left for Europe I hoped that come June I would have everything sorted out, but here I am a few weeks from home and still no plan in sight.

So for this month’s COTM I’ve asked my fellow princesses to talk about who inspires them and how they hope to inspire others. Maybe by thinking about the types of lives we want to lead we’ll be better able to place ourselves within them. And hey, a little reminder of what matters can’t hurt, right?

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cinderslut tileInspiration! What a great topic. I just went with the first three people who came to mind, though many other people around me have influenced and inspired me throughout my life. To start with, there’s my husband. Cliché, I know, but I really love the guy. He isn’t without his flaws, but as I’ve gotten to know him over the years, as I’ve seen him at his worst and his best, I continue to be inspired. He’s easily the smartest person I know, and the things he’s been able to accomplish academically, in research, and in his career definitely impress me. Along with that, I’m inspired by how hard he works. While I tend to be a bit of a slacker at times, adept at knowing how I can get by with the least effort, he takes work, school, or projects at home seriously, and, as a result, he always produces quality work. He inspires me because he teaches me things, and he’s always trying to learn more himself. He makes me want to work harder and be better.

Then, if I think about famous or noteworthy people in the world that I admire, a name that quickly comes to mind is Malala Yousafzai, the young Pakistani girl shot in the head by the Taliban in 2012, who has since become a world-renowned spokeswoman for girls’ education. She looks just like the students I myself was teaching in October 2012, which is both terrifying and sobering. Malala grew up in rural Pakistan, enduring living conditions I’ll never have to experience, but loved going to school so much she refused to stop, even after receiving death threats. When I look around American public schools, I am awed at the students who will skip school with only the thinnest shred of an excuse. Malala had every excuse in the world not to continue her studies, but she did anyway, and she has never stopped speaking out for her beliefs. She’s inspiring—I’d recommend her book I am Malala for more information about her.

And while we’re on the topic of education, something very close to my heart, I’d like to say that teachers are the third “person” I find inspiring. I’ve known so many great ones who inspired me to pursue my own education and become a teacher. I’ve seen first-hand the work that is required and the sheer amount of crap they put up with, all for the sake of their students. Included in this shout-out are my grandmother, who moved to Cuba in the 1940s to teach and continued to teach high school for decades to help support her family, my mother-in-law, who after doing this job longer than I’ve been alive still puts in more hours than any teacher I know, my aunt, who is still teaching Kindergarten as she nears age 70, and numerous other friends, family members, and coworkers. It’s a selfless job, and they’re generally quite underpaid, but their legacy is priceless.

My hope is that my own students will be as inspired by me as I have been by the educators in my life. At the end of my first year of teaching, my kids showered me with so much love and appreciation. I knew then that I had succeeded in some small part—I had inspired them, and that made every long hour I had spent worth it. In two weeks I’ll see those same students cross the stage as high school graduates, and let me tell you: I can’t freaking wait.

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little merskank tilePeople I am inspired by?  Well, as a Christian, I spend a lot of my life trying (and failing) to emulate Jesus, who was super inspirational.  Loving people, caring for the weak, the outcasts, the poor, and not being afraid to stand up to the big know-it-alls of his time.  Saying that we need to love everyone, even our enemies.  I can’t think of anyone more inspirational.

Finding other examples of inspirational people is harder for me.  I mean, almost everyone I know (both in real life and throughout history) has some traits that I find inspirational mixed others I wouldn’t want to emulate.  It’s the nature of the human condition—none of us are perfect.   However, I would say that recently I have been feeling challenged by those figures in history that were able to do what they think was right without caring a whit what other people think.  Think about Martin Luther.  Now imagine you were in Luther’s place: breaking from the one holy church—being excommunicated by the Pope whom most everyone believes holds the keys to heaven.  Now that takes guts.  Serious guts.

I was recently one of his treatise where he declared that he would ‘freely speak my mind’ regardless ‘if any of the Catholics laugh or weep’.  I have a hard time stomaching even a hint of disapproval from those around me, and here is Luther alienating the majority of the world.  And he doesn’t care.   You can feel it in his letters—he surely cares about what God thinks—but wooing the approval of the leaders of his time (or anyone else for that matter) is at the bottom of his list.  Now, Luther’s actions are not universally admirable.  Beyond not caring what others thinks, sometimes he goes out of the way to insult them with egregious insults and doesn’t seem to put very much into understanding other people or their perspectives  (If you think I am joking, try out the Luther insulter and you too can be insulted by Luther: http://ergofabulous.org/luther/ ).  So yeah, I wouldn’t say he is a very good example for ‘loving your enemies’.  However, I am inspired by his confidence in God.  Luther never spent time kowtowing to others or shying away from confrontation—things I am guilty of way too often.

Now finally, the question of whom I inspire?  I am not sure.  I would say that I try to inspire academics around me by not stressing continually about my work.  Of course, I am imperfect at this, and all the time catch myself stressing or obsessing.  But I do believe that the kind of general over-whelming sense of stress and gloom that can arise in graduate school is destructive.  The end of the world does not occur if you don’t hand in your thesis on time—the end of the world does not occur if your chapter isn’t as good as you’d like it to be.  I think it is easy to fall into a false perspective that raises your individual daily trials to a position above all else in your life.  After all, if you’re looking there is always something to stress about.

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sleeping booty tileI love that my parents never stop moving. They came to meet me in Italy for ten days in April and I’ve never been so tired in my life, the three of us running around ruins and cities from dawn till dusk. They work hard and play hard, always managing to stay focused on the present even though their lives are spinning fast. They build closets and gardens on the weekends after bike rides and yoga classes, ski on their mornings off and play poker on the weekends. They have great friends who better their lives and have no trouble connecting with strangers. They get up early and talk about their days, stay up late to finish things for work or a project for their friends.  As cheesy as it sounds, I want to be (almost) exactly like them when I grow up. What better way to live your life than to take advantage of the time you’re given?

Sophomore year of high school a new girl showed up and my life has never been the same since. Julia and I had math and physics classes together and her enthusiasm to learn was unlike anything I’d seen. She loves life and so many things in it, talking passionately about film, music, landscape, political change, horses, medicine and writing just to name a few. What I love about her most is that she isn’t just interested in these things she goes after them too, taking the steps she needs to make what she wants a reality. She’ll start a conversation with a stranger and then give them her card, seek out the best in the field and then ask for an internship. She makes things happen and encourages me to do the same. When I’m nervous or insecure about what I want or how to go about it I think of her and know that she would tell me to try anyway. Sure she may change her mind next week and throw herself completely into something else, but isn’t that what life is about, the full on attempt?

But honestly, as awesome as all the real people in my life are, none of them inspire me as much as Spiderman. For the last few months I’ve started to think about Spiderman every day (it’s been easy since everywhere around the world children and adults are wearing Spiderman t-shirts). He’s become a source of strength and responsibility for me, someone who helps me get through hard things and inspires me to have fun while doing it. He reminds me that life is short and I have a duty to be my best self and help when I can, that I owe it to the world to do the many things I’m capable of. Sure, I don’t have to chase through the train station to return someone’s dropped ticket – but Spiderman wouldn’t even hesitate.

But he’s imperfect too, just a kid who is trying his best and never quite fully succeeds. He makes mistakes and is always just a little behind, exhausted because there is always so much to do in a day. Do I always do my best or take the time to do all I can? No, definitely not. But when I think of him I know that next time I’ll do better, that in the consistent attempt I’m making a difference.

I hope I inspire people to do all these things and more. I hope I lead by example, helping people explore their surroundings and say yes to new experiences. I hope the people around me work to see other points of view, and are reminded to be kind, generous and easy going. I hope I’m diverse and strong, intelligent and reasonable. I hope I inspire people to be happy, to see that the world is an incredible and beautiful place.

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snowwhore tileI’m sure I could name a lot of famous heroes from history past and present like Mother Teresa or Nelson Mandela who I do definitely admire for their dedication and spirit of love.  But the people who really affect me, have the ability to speak into my life and change me for the better, are the extraordinary ordinary people who populate the spaces of my everyday life.  So who are these top three people?

(in no particular order)

  1. Cinderslut: I don’t know anyone else who has determination quite like Cindy does. I met her in the first week of our freshman year at college, and ever since then she has blown me away with her ability to set goals and conquer them.  Whether that’s deciding that she wants to be a teacher and acing her way through college to make it happen, or knowing that her brothers need a role model and forcing them in any way possible to have real conversations with her about what they want out of life.  She helps me find strength that I didn’t know I had.
  2. Merskank: You would be hard pressed to find someone who is more loyal or truly caring than Merskank. This fall will mark 20 years of friendship for us, and I can honestly say that I wouldn’t have chosen anyone else to be with me during the crazy years of growing up.  There were some seasons that we didn’t spend as much time together, but we always came back together.  She is my sounding board and often the voice of wisdom when I feel that I’m losing my mind.
  3. Booty: She streaked into my life as bright as a comet and I continue to follow her shining trail.  She taught me to grab as much out of life as you can. I often find myself trying to see the world as she does, because it is more beautiful that way.  I can honestly say that I learned to love myself better because of the way she loves and encourages me.  Everyone wants to be around her because she brings out the best in everyone.

*** Snow didn’t notice there was a part two to this question so while she thinks about the ways she hopes to inspire other people I figured it couldn’t hurt to write a quick paragraph of my own. I still want to see yours though! Snow inspires us in so many ways. She’s loving and enthusiastic, tough and enduring, raw and openhearted. She fights for what she believes in and forgives in an instant. She takes the time to appreciate the world (and people) around her and she trusts herself to know what is right. She is radiant and intelligent, creative and joyful, unique and loyal. She’s a blessing and everyone is the better for knowing her. She inspires me to show my love for people, because life is so much better when shared.

I Wish Depression Wasn’t Real

I hate that depression is a thing. Last week when Cindy posted about possibly being depressed I cringed a bit at the word, feeling fairly confident that Cindy’s low mood was just that, a bit of a down time in a lifetime of millions of […]

Thanks for existing

Hello! It feels like forever since I last posted, funny how that seems to be the theme we’ve got going lately, all of us princesses sort of putting this old blog on the back burner while real life takes all our attention. We’ve been at […]

Texts From Last Night

I came of age with the first cell-phone technology, and I vividly remember the day when a high school friend first taught me how to use t9 to text. Since then cell phones have become even more ubiquitous, and today most people are never without their phones. My brother’s phone is constantly vibrating and beeping, alerting him to yet another text message, despite the fact that he claims not to have any real friends.

But I’ve been out of this world of texting for a while (living in a foreign country can do things like that to a person) and I’ve gone from sending dozens of texts per day to 1-2, if that. I vaguely remember the days when I would text my friends random things as I waited for the bus, or even while sitting in class. I remember agonizing over those precious 160 characters when composing a text to a guy I was interested in. Texting was a big deal, a major form of communication, but now I kind of feel like I’ve forgotten how to do it. I can’t text anymore.

textingLast night I got a text-message out of the blue from a high school friend. He offered a friendly greeting and we exchanged a few texts, just chatting about life and what was going on. But the entire time, I felt uncomfortable! I wondered, why is he texting me? Is he just really bored, or does he actually care about what is going on in my life? The fact that I was texting a man who was not my husband made things even weirder. Of course, this is a relationship that is completely platonic—I haven’t even kept in touch with him over the years, until just recently. But pulling out my phone and texting him immediately reminded me of texts from my past—late night, emotionally charged messages to and from my ex-boyfriend, flirty responses to a “How’s it going,” text from a cute guy, desperately trying to come up with a reason to text my latest crush…

The guy who was texting me wasn’t flirting or interested in me, and he’d probably think I was nuts for even worrying about whether our casual text-versation was okay. But I couldn’t help feeling weird about it. I purposely waited at least 10-15 minutes before responding to his initial message, eager to not be seen as too eager. I reminded myself to refrain from using emoticons of any kind. And I kept asking myself, what’s his agenda?

Is it sad that when a guy texts me, my first thought is to question his motives? It probably speaks to the fact that I’ve never had close friends who were guys, so my only experience with them is colored by either purposely keeping things ultra-platonic (no texting) or secretly wanting to be more than friends. Laughably, it honestly struck me as weird for someone to just strike up a conversation with me via text, although I know I used to do that quite regularly myself. But these days I’m more used to maintaining my relationships via long Skype dates and the occasional email. I don’t even text my closest friends much, unless it is with a specific purpose in mind, like making plans to actually hang out.

Ultimately, I couldn’t shake the awkwardness I felt about texting this guy, so our conversation naturally died out after a while. And I felt relieved! I don’t need the weirdness of wondering why he’s talking to me, or the stress (albeit minor) of crafting those 160 characters into an appropriate response. For me, a married twenty-something currently living thousands of miles away from my husband, I don’t want to even mess with that elusive area, being “friends” with the opposite sex. But this experience was also a reminder of a way of communicating that I had nearly forgotten about. Maybe I’ll pick up my phone more often and shoot a text to one of my friends. But, then again, maybe I won’t.

I’m Too Young for This Shit

Recently Snow Whore shared her Murtaugh List—the things she’s outgrown and can’t be bothered with as a twenty-something. I loved her post, and it inspired me to respond: here’s my list of things I’m simply too young to be doing, yet, somehow I am. You […]

February COTM: Packing List

OH MAN. So I’m leaving in a few days for what can only be described as an epic adventure (5 months traveling around Europe just because I can) and while excited, I have to admit the planning process has been slightly overwhelming… and I’m almost […]

Living with the Parents, a 20-Something Nightmare?

I’ve been working on a Master’s in Teaching for the past 18 months, and the end is in sight. The last thing I need to do to accomplish this goal is complete 16 weeks of student teaching, and that pursuit has led me halfway around the world to my hometown, where I am now interning at my former high school. It’s a great opportunity, but it comes with a price—exchanging my husband for my parents and younger brother for the next four months.

I’ve now been living at home for two weeks, which equals or exceeds the number of consecutive days I’ve spent in this house in the last several years. Obviously I’m grateful to my parents for having me: the free food is awesome, and I’ve commandeered one of their cars, too. But do the perks of living at home outweigh the annoyance?

My brother, Tweedle-Dum, plays video games all day since he is unemployed until he joins the Navy in a few months. The first day we spent together drove me up the wall—it was maddening to watch him waste away the hours sitting on the couch while I ran around doing productive things. Then there are my parents. Where to begin…

living at homeIt’s a funny thing I’ve noticed about becoming an adult: suddenly, I am hyper-aware of my parents’ shortcomings. Things that never bothered me growing up are suddenly HUGE pet peeves. For example, their housekeeping. My parents have never had a clean or organized home, and since I am not a neat freak, this never bugged me too much. Of course, back then my brothers and I were a big part of the problem, since we were pretty lazy and were always trying to find ways to get out of doing chores. But since then I must have matured, or something, because suddenly the endless clutter and mountains of dirty dishes are atrocious eyesores I can’t stand to be around. I’ve been visiting the kitchen compulsively, not to snack but to tidy up, throw away random trash left on the counter, or check on the status of the dishwasher.

I think I’ve become accustomed to a different lifestyle, since after moving abroad I haven’t been able to accumulate that much STUFF, at least not nearly as much as my parents have in their twenty-something years of marriage. I like things simple. I like there to be space around me, not piles of Christmas decorations and stacks of unfolded laundry. I like to be able to walk through my garage without needing parkour moves. Is that really so much to ask?

I feel a little bit better, though, knowing that it isn’t just my parents who are hoarding slobs. Today I was having coffee with a good friend who also recently returned home for a while. As we described the headaches of living at home it was like we were telling the same story; apparently she, too, is frequently overcome by the urge to have a massive garage sale while her parents aren’t home and clear out all their crap. The only problem is, I know it would all accumulate again in no time. Even my in-laws show the same symptoms—they have multiple properties filled to the brim with boxes that haven’t been touched in years!

Though the clutter is my main beef with my family right now, there are other things too: the way they cook, their habit of buying way, way too much food, the fact that my dad comes home from work and turns on Fox News…But the thing about these idiosyncrasies that I find fascinating is how we twenty-somethings come to separate ourselves from our parents. Even two or three years ago, I don’t think my family’s dirty kitchen would have bothered me too much, but now it does. It really, really does. How does that happen? Our families shape our values so much, so why is it that I find myself wanting to abandon things that have been standard in my home for as long as I can remember? What other influences in my life have made me the adult that I am today, and what determines where that outside influence diverges from my upbringing?

Of course, I love my family and appreciate much of what they have taught me. But living at home again has made me realize more and more that I am my own person, and that will probably continue to develop for decades to come, until the day when I’m annoying my own grown children by being set in my ways.