The Art and Joy of Peeing Outside

For a girl, nothing is quite as liberating or quite as awkward as peeing outside.  Boys don’t and can’t understand this. For them, it’s easy. All they have to do is whip it out. In twenty seconds or less the job is done. For us females, it’s a different story.

First there is location.  The ideal spot is one that offers relative concealment, and has a slight downward slope so that you can have the pee flow freely away from you. But the slope can’t be too steep, otherwise you will have a serious balancing dilemma on your hands. A breezy area is also nice so that you can get a nice air flow going to dry you out a bit down there.

Second you really have to master the technique. It can take years of practice to be able to correctly gauge the angles and the height of your squat for an optimal outdoor urination experience. You have to bend your knees to an angle that is probably around 110 to 120 degrees. If you go all the way down to 90 degrees, you risk falling over, unless you have a tree to brace yourself against. Also, sticking your butt out as far as you can is vital so that you can avoid peeing all over your own pants. This is a tragedy that every girl who has ever gone camping growing up, has probably had to deal with.

Despite all of these obstacles, if you as a female accomplish the feat of peeing outside, it comes with the overwhelming feeling of pride and freedom. You aren’t afraid of dropping your pants in the middle of the woods or on the side of the road. You can revel in the feeling of the wind in your vagina. You laugh in the face of danger.  As you squat behind a tree or car you know you aren’t afraid of anything.

The naughty princesses have had many exciting experiences peeing outside. The first occurring when we were juniors in college and decided to skip our afternoon classes to enjoy the sunny day at a local park. Unfortunately right as we got to the park, Cinderslut informed us of her dire need to relieve her bladder. Now, the obvious thing to do in this situation would be to locate a restroom, however the naughty princesses are not into only doing what is obvious.  So instead we pointed to a nearby clump of trees and told Cinderslut to relieve herself there. She was not enthused by the idea. Maybe it was because the trees offered very thin cover and were in plain sight of a popular public walking path, but I think it was just fear of peeing outside. In order to convince Cinderslut, it was decided that we would all pee together around the same tree, our backs to each other. We carefully stationed ourselves equal distances apart and on the count of three we dropped our pants. The tinkling melody of pee could soon be heard from everyone except Cinderslut. She informed us that she couldn’t do it, she was scared and her bladder and tensed up. With audible frustration, we informed her that she had to “just do it” as Nike would say, and that the rest of us would not pull up our pants until she had done so. Again, we were in clear view of a path, so sitting there with our pants around our ankles was not a delightful option. We coaxed her, but to no avail. She would not go and after a couple breezy minutes we finally gave up and put our pants back on.

Now this was seen as a failure of monumental proportions. For Cinderslut to be a normal, functioning adult, we simply had to teach her to be ok peeing outside. We took the next available opportunity for this lesson.  The four of us were on a road trip together, and were camping at an eerily empty campground for the night. It was perfect. There was no one else around, it was the middle of the night, and there were plenty of trees. We chose our favorite, and repeated the scenario of circling the tree and pulling our pants down to urinate, after we had finished, we inquired of Cinderslut. She hadn’t gone yet. We informed her that since there was absolutely no one around and no chance of anyone coming around; we were going to sit there in plain view, until she peed. To try to distract her I decided to start telling a story. This story involved a daring chase down a river, with lots of descriptions of the rushing waters. After about five minutes my genius psychological technique worked and Cinderslut happily exclaimed that she had done it! We all rejoiced by pulling our pants back up and running back to the tent.

The reason I’m reminded of all of these experiences is because I’ve recently reached a new level of learning in outdoor urination. I thought I had mastered it, and technique-wise, I mostly have. However I got married recently and while on the road trip with my new husband to get to our honeymoon destination, I encountered a new facet of peeing outside.  What to do when you have to pee outside and your significant other is right there? Now, at first I was adamant that he shouldn’t look. Being a newlywed you are worried about any action that could reduce your sexual attractiveness in your partner’s eyes. So I hid behind an abandoned building, or made him turn his face away, etc. But eventually, I realized my worries were for nothing. Marriage is for better or for worse. We were committed to each other no matter what, and my peeing in front of him was not going to change anything. And besides, it was too much effort to try and hide. So, instead of finding a place to hide, the next time he pulled over so that I could relieve myself I only walked two feet away from the truck, faced him and pulled my pants down. What did I care? Let him watch if he wants. I felt bold and free. And that is what outdoor urination is all about.