I don’t know if I’m happy.
I’ve been working really hard the last few months at a new job and it feels really good. I like the concept of the company; I like the odds that it will succeed – setting me up with some great experience in the meantime. I like that I feel appreciated and I like a lot of the people I work with, and the ones I don’t love I still tolerate just fine. I like that I’m supporting myself and have a respectable answer to the ‘what are you doing with your life’ question all 20somethings fear.
But I’m also really freaked out that what I’m doing isn’t worth it. I don’t like that I’m working what feels like way too much for a cause I’m excited about but not in absolute love with. I don’t like that all my other passions and projects and pursuits have fallen by the wayside. I don’t like always feeling guilty when I’m not working, and feeling blocked when I try to sit down and force myself to do the creative fun things I used to cherish. I miss writing on this blog, scrapbooking, photography, general reading, hiking, and spontaneous adventures. I miss doing things for myself – not always having to justify taking time away by linking it to some person in my life.
I don’t like that my boss has a really cynical outlook on the world. It’s been really difficult to be with him as much as I have been and be the naïve, optimistic person to his sometimes careless and cruel one. He’s never mean to me and has continued to be very generous and complimentary for the hard work I do and the positivity I bring to the table, but it wares on me to spend time with someone who yells at random customer service people on the phone regularly and makes split second decisions without consideration.
I love that I’ve gotten to be so close with my parents and brother in the last few years of living near them, and that now my close friend’s younger brother is going to move in with him. I love that I have so many people that I get to care about, but I hate that I don’t talk to most of them very much anymore. I can’t remember the last time I skyped with any of you princesses and my high school friends feel further and further away every day. The people I do spend time with are my coworkers and roommates – all of whom I care about and get along with well, but don’t make me a better person. I miss being inspired daily by incredible people, and while I know they’re still out there and I still have so many in my life, being busy makes it harder to see them. Some days lately the people I feel most connected to are the strangers who respond to my work emails with jokes or kindness.
I know it doesn’t do a ton of good to worry about the future, especially when I know a drastic change isn’t feasible right now, but time moves quickly and these minutes of my life are precious. If I’m not happy shouldn’t I at least have plans to change it? I’m not going to quit my job in the next 6 months, it’s too great of an opportunity to waste and I’m not going to break my lease or make a ton of new friends because I don’t have a ton of money, time or capacity to give. But it makes me a little sad to know I’m not where I want to be right now, and yet I’m also not ready to make a change.
The next few months are busy, with work and weddings and river trips and more work, so the time will go quickly and most days I’ll feel glad to be where I am. But today listening to melancholy music I wish I was free to become someone else, or even just to populate my current world with slightly better situations.
That’s tough, Cindy! It can sometimes be so hard to decide where exactly you want to be. For my part, I am exceedingly happy with what I do, and don’t have any real regrets, but I definitely empathize with your feelings about time. I also feel pressed in by work sometimes. When you have some types of jobs (it sounds like you have one) the amount that you could possibly do seems endless- and if it is endless, it is so difficult to justify where to end.
Honestly, I know I get plenty of breaks and plenty of vacation days (probably more than my fair share), but the cost is always feeling guilty about them. Always feeling in the back of your mind like you probably should be doing work. Never knowing exactly what share of your life you should be giving to your job. I think it is easier a bit when you have your work hours defined by someone else (they are just there, set in stone, like them or not) rather than somehow having the flexibility of determining when to stop working.
I’m honestly not sure any job is going to make a person truly happy with their life. That’s not to say you shouldn’t keep looking for something you’ll like more, but I think a lot of people spend a lot of time and effort trying to find fulfillment in things that won’t satisfy in the end–jobs included. I’ve heard several people say recently: “Happiness is a choice.” What do you think of that idea?
I totally believe happiness is a choice. Same with feeling satisfied. So maybe it isn’t that I’m not happy its that I’m not ready to choose this as my life. If I wanted I know I could fully throw myself into my situation and make the most of it – and most days I do. But there are major things wrong with my situation that I have the ability and desire to change but just haven’t chosen to yet. That is a fact and I wish I was ready to change them. I have no doubt I will, which maybe is where the happiness choice comes in. I choose to be happy in this moment because I know I’ll have an easier time of it in the future.