A field guide to growing up without growing apart
My name is Sleeping Booty and I’m a hoarder. Well, sort of. I like to think of myself more as a memory preserver than a junk collector, more like an information database than a maggot infested trash dump. I’m a keeper of records and saver […]
Don’t get me wrong, I love Easy A. Emma Stone was spot on and everything her parents say makes me happier than a baby monkey riding on a pig, but when my dad and I came across the movie while flipping channels this weekend he […]
Naughty Princesses Assemble! We’ve been at this whole blogging thing for a few months now (so far so good??) and I figured it was time you folks learned a bit more about the four of us and why we go by the pseudonyms we do! And while our royal appointments that fateful November night really had much more to do with hair color than anything, now 5 years later these naughty identities have become a greater part of us than we ever could have predicted.
So for our March Condition of the Month I’ve asked my fellow princesses to give you fine folk some insight into our characters and what being a naughty princess means. But before we dive in I want to clarify one quick thing.
If you ever watch commercials anymore (I know they’re SO out) you’ve seen the new I am a Princess ad that is working its booty off to rehabilitate the Disney Princess image. We all know that in recent years the term princess has taken on some… negative connotations… and they’re not unjustified. People say they teach an impossible ideal of beauty, a sexist view of waiting to be saved by a man and a one-dimensional aspect of personality. But, like the ad says, these classics teach much more than finding a one true love and as you will see below, it’s about what you take from the character, not what the character takes from you. And while I’m sure Disney’s motive is more financial than inspirational, I still can’t help but be glad to see princesses coming back in favor, long may we reign.
Cinderslut:
Top 5 reasons I identify with my princess
Aside from the obvious similarities between Cinderslut and Cinderella, namely that we’re blonde and blue is definitely our color, I also find her to be something of a kindred spirit. Both of us were never part of the popular crowd and were ostracized somewhat by our peers (evil stepsisters). But, we got through it by going with the flow and doing our best at whatever we could, even if it was just mopping the floors. But the thing I like best about Cinderella is that she always could recognize and appreciate internal beauty. She knew she wasn’t as high up and privileged as her stepsisters, but she didn’t want to be them, not truly. She saw them for what they were: ugly on the inside. Instead of dwelling on what she couldn’t have, she surrounded herself with friends who were good-hearted and cared about her, and that’s what I have always tried to do. Even if some of the perks of the step-sisters’ lifestyle would have made me jealous, I’d prefer my true friends any day.
But my namesake and I are not identical. The biggest difference I see is that Cinderella is just flat-out good. She doesn’t have a mean bone in her body, whereas I have at least half a ribcage full. She never struck back at her oppressors, and she was consistently self-sacrificing. But I, on the other hand, would have ripped Drizella’s ugly face off if she tried to keep me from that ball. So, you know, different strokes for different folks. I mean, that’s why I’m Cinderslut, not Cinderella. I have a bit of a dark side.
What about my man, how does he stack up to Cinderella’s fairytale prince? Well, at first I couldn’t really think of any similarities. But then I found one: both are persistent, and it is that persistence that resulted in a happily-ever-after. Cinderella’s prince got a glimpse of his dream girl, and he wouldn’t stop until he had her back. The same thing happened with my husband and me after I broke his heart. He still loved me and wouldn’t give up, and although it took a little more than sliding a slipper onto my foot to bring me back, eventually I did let him put a ring on my finger. At some points before we got back together I considered him a stalker, rather like Cinderella’s prince who literally goes door-to-door until he finds her. But I guess that just proves that there’s a fine line between a stalker situation and a fairy-tale romance. And I’d say Cinderella and I both lucked out on that one and ended up with the prince, not the predator.
Sleeping BootyTop Five Reasons I identify with my princess
As for what I don’t like about Aurora, I obviously don’t love that she waited around so often, waiting to turn 16, waiting to meet her prince, waiting to be saved from the dragon witch. But I can’t really blame her, waiting around is a hard habit to break, and I definitely don’t have it all together all the time. I often feel like I’m waiting for my life to begin.
And as for the future, I’m going to have my fun with Eric. As far as I can remember the other princes are always so fashionable and put together, even the beast is always dressed to the nines. I want to climb cliffs and jump into the ocean and run through the meadow until we’re covered in mud. I love that he takes action to save his friends from danger and is always talking out loud trying to puzzle things out. Eric and I would sail the world with our big slobbery dog, visiting friends and setting off fireworks.
How do I identify with my princess? Well I feel like I sort of already wrote a post on this. But aside from the basic things, like my red hair and the fact that I love mermaids, I would say that I also identify with Ariel’s enthusiasm for life. She has so much energy and zeal! It is inspiring. Although I have down days, like everyone does, I like to think I am a pretty positive person. I love my life—I feel so blessed every day that I get to spend my time doing what I love and what excites me.
How am I not like Ariel? Well, I am definitely not as impulsive as her. Ariel’s impulsiveness gets her into trouble, so I am not sure it is really a quality I need to emulate but sometimes I worry I go too far the opposite direction. I can be too rational, too staid—dare I say it?—perhaps even boring. Sometimes you just need to go for something, and not think twice. Another way I like to hope I am not like Ariel (maybe I am only dreaming here) is that her entire focus seems to be on men. I mean, the minute Eric walked on stage it was like her friends, her family, her life—it was all out the window. I think I am still waiting for my Eric to make this entrance, but I like to think that even now I have things and people in my life that are important, and that I won’t jettison the second some guy wins my heart.
The best prince? Definitely, the beast. I mean he has his flaws- he can’t control his temper after all- but he seems the most human (ha!) of all the princes. I feel like we never really get to know Prince Charming, or the Cinderella’s prince (what was his name?) or Eric. They just feel like place-holders. The beast on the other hand not only has a personality, but he changes and grows over time. Plus, that scene where he has Belle close her eyes and leads her into the library: talk about best Disney scene ever! Not only is the library totally gorgeous, but it shows that he knows her—he has taken the time to see who she is and what makes her happy. None of the other princes in Disney movies ever do that. So yes, the beast is the best. And my happy ending, well, that big, beautiful library sounds pretty tempting… just me, the beast, and pile full of books! Sounds like a happily ever after to me!
Snow Whore
Ok, so I’m going to be honest. I don’t really feel like I identify with Snow White at all. I am happy with my princess name, but it is not because I love Snow White, it’s just because the name is clever. Snow White has always been my least favorite Disney movie, mostly because whoever did the voice of Snow White has one of the most annoying voices in the history of mankind. So when I think of Snow White, all I think of is her high pitched squeaking, and the enormous amount of vibrato she has when singing. Am I watching a Disney movie, or am I at the opera? Come on people! But I generally forgive Disney because that was their first full length movie and they were still figuring things out. Also, even apart from the annoying voice, Snow White is the weakest princess, and I definitely do not want to identify with that. All she does is run away, and then clean house. Instead, I tend to run straight into people, and leave my house with some very healthy clutter.
Now as for my favorite Disney prince, it’s Prince Phillip from Sleeping Beauty all the way. He rides a horse, waltzes in the forest, and kills a dragon. Enough Said. I’ve definitely had many a fantasy of being surprised by my own prince in the forest, swept into his arms, and serenaded as we dance the afternoon away. I even tried to convince my husband to learn to waltz so we could recreate that scene. It would have worked if only he had any rhythm.
Since this is my condition of the month I get to have the final word. Princesses Rule.
Why hello there dearest friends, long time no see! I know it’s only been two weeks but doesn’t it feel like more? It’s like I don’t even know you anymore! So much has changed! Dare I say we live in a Whole New World?! Okay, […]
The internet was designed for over sharing. Facebook, WordPress and Twitter are only a few of the sites that practically beg you to tell everyone you know what you think about Bieber or what the meal you just ate looked like. It is part of […]
Wow. Where to start… The last week has been insanely hard on me. My feet are covered in blisters, I can barely keep my eyes open, and there were moments where I felt so inconsequential it was heart breaking. But this week was also incredible; I learned so much about the world and myself and after seeing so many stories brought to life I am overwhelmed at trying to pick just one tell you. I grew up here in Park City and I feel like Sundance is something like my heritage. And while this film festival has meant different things to me over the years, it has always felt like an old friend, coming to visit and help me live in a way I usually wouldn’t. This is the first year I’ve lived at home since high school and being a local for Sundance again reminded me how much this town is part of me. So here follows, in no particular order, and in the form of the ever-astounding list, the things I learned over the first 7 days of Sundance 2013.
Day 1 (Thursday):
Day 2 (Friday):
Day 3 (Saturday):
Day 4 (Sunday):
Day 5 (Monday):
Day 6 (Tuesday):
Day 7 (Wednesday):
Jack Kerouac created something beautiful but he didn’t live a beautiful life. We saw Big Sur tonight and while it was shot perfectly and hearing Kerouac’s language was mesmerizing, the film didn’t paint a picture of a person I want anything to do with.
And it’s not over yet. 5 more days and countless more films to go!
“So, did you have an arranged marriage?” This was the question one of my colleagues at school asked me the other day, completely out of the blue. The notion seemed so absurd that I didn’t even take the time to formulate an articulate response. I […]
Okay, so don’t freak out. I know all of you are thinking: ‘what? I thought this was a fun blog and now Merskank is going all preachy on us…’ But, please, hang with me for a second. So, yeah ‘modesty’ is a slightly loaded word—I […]
It’s finally here! November! The best month of the year! Anything can happen! The day when we can all come together and make a difference in our world. Yes, of course, it is time for our first ever Condition of the Month! From here on out the four of us will all sync up and answer a monthly question presented to us by one of our fellow naughty princesses, thus cementing our friendship and securing our opinions for posterity. Contributors and readers alike are encouraged to comment on these dialogues, since studies have shown identifying with other victims of the Twenty-Something Condition can mitigate symptoms.
It is, after all, election season so we figured it was only fitting to begin with a politically charged topic; what elected office would you hold? As it turns out we’ve all taken large liberties with the word elected, but you all get the idea. Let the Condition of the Month begin!
Right now, I’m a princess. But if I had my choice of political offices, I would have to choose Queen. I currently live in a Middle Eastern kingdom that has never been ruled by an elected leader. So when I got to thinking about what office I’d like to take, my thoughts immediately turned to this oil-rich, patriarchal society, which in my opinion could benefit a lot by electing me, Cinderslut, as their queen. So here’s my platform—my solutions to our kingdom’s biggest problems:
So vote for me, Queen Cinderslut! Well, once you have the right to vote, that is.
-Cinderslut
Man this is a tough question to start out with. I’ll begin with letting you know how absurdly excellent I am at anything I set out to do, so really any office I choose will be the better for it. But if the question is where I’ll be happiest, or what office I could make the largest difference, the answer changes. Maybe I’ve been reading too much Game of Thrones lately but the idea of being president doesn’t quite hold the appeal it used to. I wouldn’t enjoy working m y hardest only to be hated for it like poor Tyrion. I’d likely be happiest in a local office, making minor changes to a community I am part of… but if I really could be anything my arrogance requires a bit more ambition.
My next thoughts go toward becoming a Supreme Court justice and saving the nation one absurd court case at a time. I’d get to make rules with all the best information presented and my vote would count without being solely responsible. But working with the same people and in the same job FOR LIFE is not at all appealing to me, though I like the idea that my opinions and verdicts would change as I aged. So, no, a Supreme Court justice is not the office for me.
After a bit more research I’ve decided that where I’d really be both happy and effective would be heading up a national agency, The Department of the Interior. As the principal conservation agency I’d get to be part of everything cool ever. I’d get to oversee scientific research, protect wildlife and natural resources, survey geology and minerals, develop recreational sites, work with technologies like GIS, and travel through every inch of our beautiful country. I’d even get to work socially on our historical agreements with American Indians and Native Alaskans. Land is such an important part of American life and to be responsible for both protecting and developing our entire county sounds out of this world. And I’d get a free pass to national parks for life, can’t get much better than that.
-Sleeping Booty
Which political office? For some reason, that is an easy question for me. I would definitely be Secretary of State. Now this might be influenced by the fact that Condoleezza Rice is one of heroes; not only is she an intelligent, super put-together woman, but also (little known fact) she has her PhD in Russian Literature. As a graduate student in the humanities, I love this! Too often people assume that one should study political science, or law, or international relations to be a good stateswoman. But really I think that sometimes (or most of time) studying something like Russian literature can teach you more about the human spirit than any of those other pseudo-practical topics. I mean, have you read Anna Karenina?
Secretary of State is also an awesome position because it is behind the scenes. The Secretary of State is advising the president, flying around the world, making crucial decisions with other foreign leaders, but yet somehow receives remarkably little press attention. I would rather be the silent hands than the speaking head any day. Oh yeah, and Hilary Clinton is pretty bad-ass too—you, see: it’s what all the awesome women are doing: getting stuff done while men sit around in suits trying to look impressive.
-The Little Merskank
Honestly I don’t really like politics. I’ve never had a strong desire to enter that world. The idea of trying to represent people and help make the world a better place is admirable and something I could see myself doing, but politics as it is today is nowhere near that pure. I know I would never get far in politics because I would actually want to answer questions honestly and not be backed by giant corporations. However, if I had to choose a position, it would be secretary of state. I have a passion for the world. I would love traveling around and trying to improve relations between countries. However, I would be a very unique secretary of state. Mainly because I care about struggling people in developing countries and would favor helping them over asserting America’s dominance in the world. Maybe I could start a revolution, a revolution where countries stop caring about their own power and start caring about their fellow man. That’s my dream. It may not be realistic, but it’s a beautiful thought.
-Snow Whore
So I’m tall. Five ten and three-quarter inches tall to be exact. Which, accounting for the usual inflation, lands me somewhere over the six-foot mark. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve flared my nostrils over the head of a guy who swears he […]
I never look at who I sit next to on the bus. Some people ask for permission to sit, some people evaluate their options before settling on the lessor evil, some people even play musical chairs hopping from seat to seat as better options open […]
For a girl, nothing is quite as liberating or quite as awkward as peeing outside. Boys don’t and can’t understand this. For them, it’s easy. All they have to do is whip it out. In twenty seconds or less the job is done. For us females, it’s a different story.
First there is location. The ideal spot is one that offers relative concealment, and has a slight downward slope so that you can have the pee flow freely away from you. But the slope can’t be too steep, otherwise you will have a serious balancing dilemma on your hands. A breezy area is also nice so that you can get a nice air flow going to dry you out a bit down there.
Second you really have to master the technique. It can take years of practice to be able to correctly gauge the angles and the height of your squat for an optimal outdoor urination experience. You have to bend your knees to an angle that is probably around 110 to 120 degrees. If you go all the way down to 90 degrees, you risk falling over, unless you have a tree to brace yourself against. Also, sticking your butt out as far as you can is vital so that you can avoid peeing all over your own pants. This is a tragedy that every girl who has ever gone camping growing up, has probably had to deal with.
Despite all of these obstacles, if you as a female accomplish the feat of peeing outside, it comes with the overwhelming feeling of pride and freedom. You aren’t afraid of dropping your pants in the middle of the woods or on the side of the road. You can revel in the feeling of the wind in your vagina. You laugh in the face of danger. As you squat behind a tree or car you know you aren’t afraid of anything.
The naughty princesses have had many exciting experiences peeing outside. The first occurring when we were juniors in college and decided to skip our afternoon classes to enjoy the sunny day at a local park. Unfortunately right as we got to the park, Cinderslut informed us of her dire need to relieve her bladder. Now, the obvious thing to do in this situation would be to locate a restroom, however the naughty princesses are not into only doing what is obvious. So instead we pointed to a nearby clump of trees and told Cinderslut to relieve herself there. She was not enthused by the idea. Maybe it was because the trees offered very thin cover and were in plain sight of a popular public walking path, but I think it was just fear of peeing outside. In order to convince Cinderslut, it was decided that we would all pee together around the same tree, our backs to each other. We carefully stationed ourselves equal distances apart and on the count of three we dropped our pants. The tinkling melody of pee could soon be heard from everyone except Cinderslut. She informed us that she couldn’t do it, she was scared and her bladder and tensed up. With audible frustration, we informed her that she had to “just do it” as Nike would say, and that the rest of us would not pull up our pants until she had done so. Again, we were in clear view of a path, so sitting there with our pants around our ankles was not a delightful option. We coaxed her, but to no avail. She would not go and after a couple breezy minutes we finally gave up and put our pants back on.
Now this was seen as a failure of monumental proportions. For Cinderslut to be a normal, functioning adult, we simply had to teach her to be ok peeing outside. We took the next available opportunity for this lesson. The four of us were on a road trip together, and were camping at an eerily empty campground for the night. It was perfect. There was no one else around, it was the middle of the night, and there were plenty of trees. We chose our favorite, and repeated the scenario of circling the tree and pulling our pants down to urinate, after we had finished, we inquired of Cinderslut. She hadn’t gone yet. We informed her that since there was absolutely no one around and no chance of anyone coming around; we were going to sit there in plain view, until she peed. To try to distract her I decided to start telling a story. This story involved a daring chase down a river, with lots of descriptions of the rushing waters. After about five minutes my genius psychological technique worked and Cinderslut happily exclaimed that she had done it! We all rejoiced by pulling our pants back up and running back to the tent.
The reason I’m reminded of all of these experiences is because I’ve recently reached a new level of learning in outdoor urination. I thought I had mastered it, and technique-wise, I mostly have. However I got married recently and while on the road trip with my new husband to get to our honeymoon destination, I encountered a new facet of peeing outside. What to do when you have to pee outside and your significant other is right there? Now, at first I was adamant that he shouldn’t look. Being a newlywed you are worried about any action that could reduce your sexual attractiveness in your partner’s eyes. So I hid behind an abandoned building, or made him turn his face away, etc. But eventually, I realized my worries were for nothing. Marriage is for better or for worse. We were committed to each other no matter what, and my peeing in front of him was not going to change anything. And besides, it was too much effort to try and hide. So, instead of finding a place to hide, the next time he pulled over so that I could relieve myself I only walked two feet away from the truck, faced him and pulled my pants down. What did I care? Let him watch if he wants. I felt bold and free. And that is what outdoor urination is all about.