A field guide to growing up without growing apart
My husband and I had a fight the other night. It was the end of the week, and we’d just gotten home from an after-school charity event in which I was playing basketball with some colleagues and community members. I’d been out of the house […]
Love. Today is the day that we are supposed to be celebrating that beautiful, elusive and vastly misunderstood concept. I spent my entire day welcoming ‘love birds’ into our hotel and let me tell you, I did not feel so lovely afterwards. Most of them […]
A few days ago my housemate got a dog without my consent.
I’d been staying with my parents for a few days so when she called me Tuesday with the news that she’d brought a puppy home, I was shocked, especially as she guiltily excused the surprise by blaming me for not being around to talk it over with her, though she knew I’d be out of town.
Suddenly it felt like I had done something wrong, and not her, that if I wasn’t happy with her choice it wasn’t something she could change. She hastily reminded me that she’d always told me she’d think about getting a dog in the spring, but to me that isn’t the same as actually getting one in January without talking to me about it.
I’d made it clear when I agreed to move in that I didn’t think a dog was a good idea, mostly because I am allergic to them, but also because if she is serious about traveling and dating and not being broke, a dog will only make all that harder. As it is she never cleans the house or cooks for herself, and our landlord requires a ton of money down if we want a pet in the house. I love dogs as much as anyone, but at this point in her life, a dog isn’t what she needs.
I‘m not that worried about my allergies, she’s promised to clean more and I’ll just have to keep the door to my room shut. And honestly if it gets bad I’ll move out and find someone to sublet. But the real thing I’m struggling with is the lack of respect and friendship I feel from her lately, and the feeling that we’re not really friends.
I’ve known both her and her sister my whole life and since our parents are friends we’ll always stay in touch, but the closer I get to them the more I find myself hurt by them. Maybe it’s because they take me for granted or maybe they just grew up with different values than me, but I can’t tell you how many times in the last months I’ve been made to feel so much worse about myself by just being around them. They bail on plans and call me out on my weaknesses, make me feel like I have nothing to offer them or the world and even bring up my failures as jokes.
In some ways we get along great; we have fun and go on adventures. In moments of vulnerability I know they’re grateful for me, neither of them have many people they can count on, especially friends. But in the past my roommates have been my dear, dear friends, people who love and support me in so many ways. Lately I just can’t figure out how to live with people and not count on them, how not to let their negative outlooks on life and unforgiving opinions of me affect the positive ones I have of myself.
I know the real problem here is that I’ve lost a bit of my self-confidence over the last few months of failed job hunting, and I’ve been relying too much on the opinions of others to validate myself. But in moments of weakness your friends and roommates shouldn’t make you feel worse, and honestly mine do.
I don’t know where I’ll go from here. I’ll likely put on a smile and pretend I’m not affected, waiting out the one year lease and then demoting them to acquaintances I see every few months. But until then I hope I’ll figure out a way to be happy in spite of roommates that used to be my friends, but now just aren’t very kind.
A few months ago the father of my close friends died. Our parents raised us together, me and a pair of twins, a boy and a girl (I’ll call them Rachel and Charles) and I’m so grateful for them. We lived on opposite sides of […]
So there was this guy. I know, I know, for as single as I am (hint: very) I write about boys a disproportional amount. How many crushes and almosts can a girl really talk about before her friends start to worry? But, please, bear with […]
I’m writing this from my phone as I sit in the lobby of a hotel I’m not staying at, because it’s the only place near Bryce canyon that has a tv showing Monday night football. And I am blissfully happy. Getting away is just what I needed.
I have seen more incredible beauty in the last week than words or pictures would ever be able to accurately describe. And I also got to spend some quality time with Sleeping booty. All I have to say is that if you have never spent time in any national parks, you need to now. My husband and I are so in love that we started talking about becoming park rangers and spending our whole lives surrounded by incredible nature. When you hike down into a canyon, climb out on a ledge and just gaze out letting the silence envelop you and the wind whip around you, it is utter perfection. And you have to hike to make it worth it because it’s only when you get away a little bit that you can avoid the giant throngs of tourists and really appreciate the nature fully.
I feel like I can’t fully express my feelings in words. You just have to experience it yourself. I don’t really know how I’m going to be able to go back to real life after this. But I’ve still got another week and I’m going to enjoy it.
Well, the wedding is over. Deep breath. I easily spent half of my summer working on crafts and support from my friend’s wedding and now that it’s done I feel more than exhaustion, I feel relief. My time is my own again! And while I […]
I’ve been a bridesmaid before. We’ve made the invites, taken the photos, planned the parties, and so much more, but something about this summer’s bridesmaid duties has felt off. You’d think I’d have gotten the hang of it by now, seeing as this is my […]
So I got jealous this week.
For our annual family and friend river trip we went to Desolation Canyon, spending 6 days rafting and drinking with a group of people I dearly love. But when I should have been relaxing and enjoying the phone-free natural beauty of the canyon, instead I found myself feeling what can only be described as pure, unreasonable jealousy. And as much as I tried to fight it, I physically couldn’t shake the green monster. And what scared me the most was the realization that I couldn’t control my thoughts as much as I thought I could.
The person my jealousy was directed at was a friend of ours (for this post I’ll call her Maddy) and while she isn’t a regular member of the group, she has been on these trips a time or two before. I don’t know her quite as well as the others but I’ve never felt anything but love for her in the past. So when I started feeling competitive with her it seemed so shockingly out of place, it didn’t make any sense.
But the thing is it did make sense, it made perfect sense, because you see there is this guy. Well, sort of. Remember a while back when I wrote a post about falling for my friend’s brothers? Well, not the main guy in the post but the other one (the one who out of nowhere became 20 something and tall a few years ago) has become even more of a confusing mess since we bonded a few river trips ago. I’ve been working with him this summer and let’s just say things have gone from a little teasing to a full on flirt fest.
He’s only 22 (I’m almost 26) and there are so many qualities in him that make me confident we wouldn’t actually work long term, but the simple fact is that I’m attracted to him and we get along really well. And when he flirts back, it’s hard to resist. So when I found out he was coming with on our camping trip, I let my hopes get up, thinking that maybe this could be a week where we’d… connect (or something).
The first few days of the trip I was happy and carefree, talking with everyone and enjoying the river that I’d missed. We played cards (I won) and jumped off rocks, ate great food and slept under the stars. He and I found moments together and teased like I wanted; we were even pretty touchy, trying to dunk each other in river wrestling matches and bumping into each other in passing. He gave me a shoulder rub one night and buried me with sand by the light of the full moon. It was exactly what I’d hoped for.
But as the days went on Maddy became more confident and talkative, and suddenly moments that he used to spend standing next to me I’d look up and see him next to her. It was never anything more than a few laughs and an elbow, and he still found time to give me attention too, but they had something and… I was jealous.
She’s a few years older than me and is halfway through completing her dental degree in Portland, so I know that she wasn’t looking for anything more from him than I was, but that was the problem, suddenly she and I were direct competitors for his attention. And I hated it. Hated it because I knew it was unhealthy. Hated it because I really like her and we get along well. Hated it because losing sucks. There was nothing to win here, no relationship or confession of love, this was only a war of insignificant battles that sort of proved who was the most fun person to be around. I’d look at her and ask myself if she was prettier than me, if her tiny frame was more desirable than my larger one, if she was more clever than I was. I questioned my personality, my decisions, my motives. Which one of us was better in this moment? The more I wanted to win the more angry and grumpy and emotional I got, when he’s come to tease me about something I’d be pissed and shut him down, or not flirt back because it took effort to smile at him. Suddenly I couldn’t meet his eyes anymore and seeking her out for a conversation was out of the question. Understandably the more moody I got the less he sought me out and I only felt worse.
I was hard core PMSing and my mother and I weren’t getting along great, so I have some sort of minor excuse for not being able to keep my jealousy in check those last few days, but as much as I avoided them and distracted myself with the other people on the trip, I was hurting. And it sucked because I didn’t want to be. I wanted to just be able to smile and take the good and forget him until another good moment came. Why couldn’t I just be casual? Why couldn’t I just be happy that he liked me best most of the time?
I didn’t give up completely, running my fingers through his hair a couple times and clinging to him for my life as I almost drowned in a water gun fight. I rested my knee against his while playing cards a few nights and while I couldn’t smile at him like I used to, the tension was still there, just less carefree. When we said goodbye I couldn’t bring myself to hug him even though I hugged everyone else. I made up some excuse that I’d see him again before he went back to Chicago for his last year of college, though he and I both knew that was unlikely.
Our saga feels unfinished, and since our families are close and his sisters are my closest friends in Utah, I don’t suppose we’ll ever really be done. But I want to be. Nothing good can come of us, and when I think about it all I really want from him is a second of proof that this wasn’t all in my mind. I know it wasn’t, but I’d like to be able to look at this with him and laugh at that one summer where we flirted. I want to be able to talk to him about it later, and roll my eyes about how little we knew about what was good for us. I know I’ll find someone better, but if jealousy does anything good it does show I care. Maybe it’s time to be a little bit more careful about who I flirt with.
So, a week ago I got back from a pilgrimage in Italy. Now maybe you’re asking—people still go on pilgrimages? And the answer is yes, they do! The most popular pilgrimage route in modern days is the camino de Santiago in Spain. However, instead […]
I’m done. I’m done living with my parents, sleeping alone, and substituting five-minute Skype conversations for real intimacy. It’s now been over three months since I’ve seen my husband, and up until just recently, I think I was handling the separation quite well. I threw […]
Not only is today Thanksgiving, but it is also Snow Whore’s birthday. In honor of our fair friend, here’s a surprise post to show her how much we love and appreciate her!
So today Snow is turning 25! I can’t believe it! I still have fun memories of many previous birthdays we shared together. One that sticks in my mind was in 7th grade. It was an epic middle-school-girls sleep over complete with many late night snack runs into the kitchen, and games of truth or dare (maybe my mind is making up crazy stories, but did someone go and sing a song about…. a banana to Snow’s older brother’s door? I think it happened). I also remember birthdays in our college days, with dorm-room parties and fun-fetti cake. I believe Booty still has one of the best ones on tape, when Cindy fulfilled Snow’s dream of being a princess by buying her the perfect, white, twirly dress.
We’ve had so many good times together, I have to say that I am sad to have missed this birthday… and the last one… and the one before that. England has some advantages (old books, holla!), but it has some real disadvantages- like the fact that I am never home to celebrate with you, Snow Whore! But I still love you and miss you and hope that your birthday is epic enough to rival even the best ones of those that came before!
–The Little Merskank
SW, you’re one of those people I know was placed in my life for a reason. From our first shared laughs in Spanish class to every crazy thing we’ve done since, I’ve always had a blast with you around. You are the life of the party and made mundane things like riding the bus and making breakfast into special moments. Now you’re turning 25! You’ve come so far since we met as 18 year old college freshmen, but the important things have stayed the same—your faith, your friendships, and your amazing zest for life. I’m really proud of how hard you’ve worked in the last few months, kicking booty at your job and persevering through the new challenge of having your husband out of town for weeks at a time. Our lives are more complicated than they were 7 years ago, but I’m sure we’ve got what it takes—don’t forget that. Your birthday falls on Thanksgiving this year, which reminds me more than ever how grateful I am to have you in my life, even if I can’t have you in my arms to give you your birthday hug. I hope you have an amazing birthday surrounded by family—and know that you have three sisters across the world missing you and loving you!
–Cinderslut
I’ve decided to show my birthday love via acrostic poem, mostly because I think they’re awesome but also because Snow has written so many beautiful poems I’ve appreciated in the past. So this one’s for you, the fairest one of all, Happy 25th Birthday.
SNOW WHORE
S is for STUPENDEOUS, because that is who she is.
N is for NATURAL TALENT, because that is what she lives.
O is for OUTGOING, there’s no one quite like her,
W is for WONDERFUL, she’s aware of that, I’m sure.
W is for WILD, her heart cannot be tamed,
H is for HONEST, her feelings cannot be feigned.
O is for ORIGIONAL, she’s always a surprise,
R is for RADIENT, she brings light to all our lives.
And E is for EXTRAORDINARY, my favorite girl it’s true,
Snow Whore you are one of a kind, I’ll love you till I’m blue.
–Sleeping Booty
Happy Birthday, girl! You’ll always be the fairest in our hearts.