A field guide to growing up without growing apart
Secrets aren’t my favorite. By nature I’m definitely inclined to provide more information rather than less. I want to make sure everyone who would appreciate an invite has one, everyone who is affected to be notified, everyone who has an opinion to have a chance […]
Today I bailed. When I think of bailing on something, I think of totally and completely failing. To bail is to let weakness and fear and laziness and confusion win. It is not only have given the wrong answer in the first place, but also […]
Saying yes isn’t always easy. But I think it is worth it.
We had much needed snow storm on Monday, bringing about two feet of snow to northern Utah. In years past we would have had feet of snow by this time of year, but the last few weeks have been in the 60s, not a drop of snow anywhere except the top of the mountains. So when a giant storm hit on Monday the whole city stopped, trying to adjust to a condition that we used to be conditioned to.
I’m lucky in that I can work from home on snow days, and had the time to help dig my housemate’s car out of the driveway. All day I watched from my window as the tow truck pulled out my neighbor’s car and others slipped and skidded down my road. It was nice to have a day snowed in; I got tons of work done for my job and around the house, all while taking frequent breaks for tea and snacks. It was a perfect low key, quiet day and at 7pm when I was scrolling through Facebook I was in a sleepy, happy mood.
I saw that my cousin had just checked in to the nearby airport, so I commented that he should stay a while next time. Within seconds he’d personal messaged me to talk, explaining he was on his way home for the holiday and his transfer flight had gotten delayed. We talked for a bit, catching up and making jokes since I haven’t seen him in a few years. I was still halfway working at the time, so I wasn’t too focused when I realized that I had suggested he ask the front desk if he could catch a flight the next day for free. He replied immediately saying he’d ask, and as I sat there waiting it hit me that I’d actually just offered to get in my car during a blizzard, pick him up from the airport and let him stay on my couch.
Now my first reaction was to bail. I was so comfortable! I was planning on falling asleep in an hour! I could get stuck! I’d have to do something fun to make it worth his time! All these excuses swirled through my mind as I tried to settle on one that was valid, but I knew none of them were. The right thing, the best thing, was to just suck it up, put on a coat and have fun. So I did.
A half hour later I picked him up from the airport and took him to dinner at a place I’d been meaning to try. We talked for two hours over a giant meal and beers, gossiping about family and figuring out how we’ve changed over the last few years. He’s in the military and I hadn’t even realized he’d been in Afghanistan and Quatar for the last 6 months. He didn’t know anything about the job that’s been my life for the last year. We talked about futures and pasts and wandered through a big box store to find fun pajamas for him. Nothing crazy, or wild happened, but just spending time with him was worth it.
I made it through the storm in my stick shift and he feel asleep on my couch at 11pm. At 7am the next day we got back in the car and I took him back to the airport, both glad that we’d said yes. It’s not always easy to leave the house, and participate in the world. But I’m always glad when I do.
Recap: This month has been busy, and I’m not sure exactly what to write about in this post. I’ve learned a ton and felt both confused and secure in equal parts, but in all life is good and I’m glad to be where I am. Mostly. […]
A few days ago my housemate got a dog without my consent. I’d been staying with my parents for a few days so when she called me Tuesday with the news that she’d brought a puppy home, I was shocked, especially as she guiltily excused […]
A few months ago the father of my close friends died.
Our parents raised us together, me and a pair of twins, a boy and a girl (I’ll call them Rachel and Charles) and I’m so grateful for them. We lived on opposite sides of town so we didn’t go to school together until 4th grade when the neighborhood boundaries switched and I walked into my new classroom to see Charles waving me over to come sit next to him. We’ve all been there for each other ever since, cheering each other on at sporting events and graduations, traveling together and sending letters across states, friends that are bound by more than just a few shared experiences. They’re part of my family, the fabric of who I am, and though I haven’t seen them more than a few times each year lately, I’ve never doubted how important we are to each other.
So when in August I heard that their father was in the hospital and they were coming back to Utah to see him, I was glad I’d get to spend time my friends. No one thought he’d be dead a few days later. Charles came back in time, spending his last day with him in the hospital joking and taking about where his father hid his weed. Rachel got to the hospital an hour too late, flying in from Alaska was just too far and no one thought their lively, 57 year old father was really at the end.
I sent them a text when I heard, saying I loved them and that I’d tell our friends, not wanting to be in the way when I knew they were about to be bombarded with family and friends and shock. Calling our other friends was hard, I was the only one in town and they all wanted to know what they could do – I told them there wasn’t even anything I could do. We’ve all been so lucky, none of us have lost anything close to a parent.
The next few days went slowly. I worked a lot and didn’t reach out to my friends, crying alone at lunch thinking about what they must be going through. People ask so much of you when you’re the family, I just couldn’t be another person that they had to deal with. I knew they knew I’d do anything for them, but my gift was letting them know that they didn’t have to do anything for me. He died Sunday morning and I stopped by on Wednesday to drop off a few photos of their father that my family had found, they were glad to see me, and insisted I stay to help them organize the photos for the funeral. I stopped by every day after that to help glue and print and fill the boxes of things that would represent their father at the funeral, making jokes and enjoying my friends liked I’d hoped to a week earlier.
My friends are tough, so strong that I only saw them cry about their father at the funeral when they were speaking together on stage. The rest of the time they smiled and laughed about their dad’s messy office and asked family friends about their lives. I smuggled them food at the funeral and blocked when they needed a break, doing my best to keep the mood light – that is what they needed from me, distraction.
But in the months since I feel like it’s getting harder and harder to keep distracted. The funeral and subsequent weeks felt like they were about other people – extended family, friends, insurance providers – every time I was out with them we ran into another person who wanted to talk to them about it or someone who hadn’t yet heard. I had to stand there as they comforted person after person, nodding and smiling so whoever it was would let them leave. But now it feels so much more personal, not only because I’m doing my best to be there for my friends, but also because I’m starting to admit my loss as well. I’m only feeling a small part of what they are, but I miss their father and without him here things are different.
Their birthday was last week and before Rachel left town for a ski race she told me to take care of her brother, that he’d never ask me himself to make his birthday special. I was planning to already but I took him bowling and out for a drink, trying REALLY hard to ‘act normally’ as I did my best to keep him entertained and distracted. But it felt harder than usual to keep smiling, and I felt a bit like I let him down as I dropped him off at his mother’s house barely after 9pm.
I know the three of them aren’t alone, they all have each other, and so many others, but they have such a large responsibility to each other now. And I know time heals, but lately I’m afraid that it’s going to get worse before it gets better. As the distractions fall away they’re going to be left with the truth. Their father isn’t around. And I don’t know if I can help.
It seems like everything always changes on my birthday. In my first year of college my birthday was the day that really solidified my friendship with the naughty princesses and made Seattle seem like home. On my birthday the year after I decided to apply […]
We’ve all been a little (try a lot) distracted this month, so rather than scrap our monthly condition post we’ve just decided to post it now (very, very late) and talk about the things that distract us. <>><<>><<> Man oh man am I busy. That’s […]
I’ve been a bridesmaid before. We’ve made the invites, taken the photos, planned the parties, and so much more, but something about this summer’s bridesmaid duties has felt off. You’d think I’d have gotten the hang of it by now, seeing as this is my 4th wedding party, but this morning I figured out the difference, the thing that’s missing this year. It’s friendship, it’s my fellow Naughty Princesses.
In the past it was all four of us planning together, talking through what the Bachelorette would look like, delegating tasks, all giving speeches. For this wedding I’m a million miles away from them, planning parties for a girl they don’t know, and while it’s flattering to be the Maid of Honor, it’s also incredibly isolating when I don’t know any of the brides’ other friends and none of the other bridesmaids are interested in helping. This summer has been filled with making paper flowers, planning parties, and trying on dresses, all alone. When I see the bride I know she feels it to, only getting help from me and criticism from her mother. If I’m stressed I can’t even imagine how overwhelmed she is feeling and it’s so sad to think that she doesn’t have a group of friends all in one place dedicated to helping her. I can only do so much alone.
The bachelorette party is this Friday night and I’ve worked really hard at getting everything together and awesome for it to work out. But suddenly this weekend I panicked at how much money I’ve been spending on it – food, decorations, drinks, all add up when you’re the only one paying. And in a fit of strength and desperation I started delegating. I told one bridesmaid she was in charge of wine, and another that she was in charge of appetizers, and sent out a mass message to all the guests to bring any fun games and décor that they had lying around. I could manage desert and after dinner snacks, most of the decorations and the major activities. But it was time they stepped up and did more than show up.
But instead of getting little to no responses like I’d expected, in the last few days the party has taken on an entirely new life. People offering to make cakes and bring mixed cocktails, bring crazy games and decorate entire locations. The bridesmaids are still dragging their feet but the other guests are completely stepping up. Suddenly I feel like I’m almost not doing anything, and while it’s partially amazing, it is also stressing me out that my friend and her friends will think I’ve totally dropped the ball. And after being entirely on my own all summer, having help is feeling a bit like a failure.
But I know that’s not true, and even if it is, it won’t matter come September 28th after her wedding, when I never have to see any of these people again if I don’t want to. It’s just a shame that I’m not friends with all of these people already, so we can share more than a few last minute messages before the party. I miss planning with help, and planning with people I can count on, planning with Cindy, Snow and Merskank.
I’m sure most people are used to this kind of party planning, and it’s about time I joined the real world of wedding parties who live in all corners of the country. But I’m grateful for those good wedding experiences we had just after college. When we were still all together and still all on the same team.
Who knows, maybe this party planned by strangers will work out better than I expect. Anything can happen! But I’m probably still going to fill my car with everything they say they’re bringing, just in case.w
So about a year ago when I was planning this whole travel through Europe adventure, I invited everyone I talked with to come along. And when I say everyone, I mean everyone. In normal, everyday life this over invite plan works out well since half […]
Hello! It feels like forever since I last posted, funny how that seems to be the theme we’ve got going lately, all of us princesses sort of putting this old blog on the back burner while real life takes all our attention. We’ve been at […]
As many of you know, Sleeping Booty is currently on a European adventure. Now of course she is having a lot of fun, but recently she admitted to the fellow princesses that she was missing quality girl time. She expressed the need for some female empowerment. Now, I’m sure all of you know what that term means generally, but for the princesses it has a very specific meaning. In college we were known for our quarterly “Female Empowerment Nights.” These were girl only parties that we hosted with the sole purpose of empowering. We made kickass music videos, did crazy competitions, made awesome artwork, skinny dipped, and even burned our bras.
Now, obviously, I cannot blink and be across the ocean to engage in empowering activities with Sleeping Booty. But what I can do is send all my love and empowering thoughts over the mighty internet to you tonight. So Sleeping Booty, here is a playlist to make you fierce.
1. To remind you that it’s always Ho’s Before Bro’s, I give you the Spice Girls:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJLIiF15wjQ
2. And of course, you must remember the good times. So here’s the song we made our first empowering video to:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJWtLf4-WWs
3. Because you are The Wind Beneath my Wings, and Because Beaches is the most ridiculous chick flick ever made!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5kbc_F_uMsw
4. Remember that its ok to need Wide Open Spaces, that’s why you took this trip in the first place:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dom7VlltBUc
5. Don’t fall for no ‘Scrubs’, because you know how much you’re really worth:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrLequ6dUdM
6. And finally, switch the man in this song with me and know that any of us princesses would walk 500 miles just to be with you when you needed us.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbNlMtqrYS0
We love you and don’t you ever forget it! You are never alone!