A field guide to growing up without growing apart
Driving is one of my least favorite things about being a grown up. In Seattle I didn’t have a car. I lived on the busses and trains, walking to friends’ houses, work and grocery stores everyday for years. And while I admit that walking is […]
Most days I work fairly hard not to feel entitled. Life is tough for everyone, but I am fully aware how good I have it. Sure things could be better (like women’s rights or access to quality news), but in general I know I am […]
For this month’s COTM I’ve asked my friends to think about their work / life balance. What would be an ideal balance between work and home life look like, or is it all actually the same thing? And what about the future, will things change as we head into our 30’s or 40’s?
I’ve had a lot of VERY different jobs with VERY different work / life balances and now that I’m at the place in my life where it’s time for me to actively choose how I want to spend my time, I’m honestly a bit confused. What is the best balance?
When I was a high school basketball coach my time was spent mostly as my own, only a few hours in the afternoon or evenings were required to get a decent salary that paid for rent and food, but I didn’t have enough work, didn’t feel like I was participating in society or pushing myself. When I worked as a science teacher at a summer camp I made friends with my students and coworkers, but came home exhausted everyday from running around keeping kids happy and safe. When I worked at an engineering company I got to choose my own hours, taking weeks off without trouble and leaving work at work, but that wasn’t ideal either – my passion for life faded a bit while I worked there, the work I was doing didn’t make me happy. So now that I’m working at a startup where there is never a shortage of things that need to be done, I’m struggling with how much time is too much, and which parts of my life can fall by the wayside.
There are so many things that make up a great life – family, friends, alone time and significant others are only part of the equation, there are projects and houses, travel and outdoor adventures, even activism and community work that are essential to really having a good life. How do we find the time for all this other than to combine it all? I was talking to a friend at a wedding this weekend and he said that we spend something like 75% of our waking hours at work so we might we might as well enjoy what we do and who we do it with. I don’t love my coworkers but he’s right, it would do me good if I did, because we spend more time with them than we do our families and friends combined.
Work has been better lately, my boss made a promise to his girlfriend to have dinner with her every night at 6, so now I get leave at a normal hour as well, though I still think about work when I’m not there and struggle with who and what to do when I’m not working. I always feel like I should be somewhere else, checking something or someone off the list. We’ll see how I do in the coming months and years, more and more it feels like maybe the only way I know how to have a work life balance is to keep them apart entirely – to work like mad for a year and then take a year off.
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Whew… that is an important question. Honestly, it is something that I ponder on now and again. I am currently getting my PhD, so I guess you could say that my life versus work balance leans a bit more to the work side. It is not so much that I work more hours than other people my age, but work definitely has an overarching impact on my life, consuming my thoughts in a way probably most normal jobs wouldn’t. Does that matter? Well, sometimes people I love suggest that maybe this isn’t the best way, that working less, being settled, having kids and the ‘normal life’ is really the better choice. That by focusing so much on a ‘career’, I have my priorities out of order. This type of advice distresses me a little. I know that there is something to this thinking, but I kick back against it because, really, I love what I do. I love it every day. Maybe my ‘work’ takes more of my time, and more of my energy, than an easier job would, but it is something that I find exciting and rewarding. I do want to have a family and kids someday, but is it a terrible thing to want both?
The academic job market is pretty sparse- especially in the humanities- so it is difficult to know what exactly the future holds for me. Maybe that perfect academic position will never come along. And if it doesn’t, I will accept it. I don’t want ever to feel constrained by some boundless ambition that I need to be at the top of the ladder, but at the same time I am not willing to give up or feel I missed out on my chance. For the moment at least, I am okay with work getting the larger slice of the pie. Will that change with time? Of course, it might! I completely open to that— the future is unpredictable. For the moment though, I count my blessings for where I am.
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I think that spending as much time with your family and friends as at work is important. However, I have yet to find a company that feels this way. I don’t mean to be a pessimist but most companies I’ve had experience with only care about squeezing as much work as possible out of you.
My current job, for instance, won’t even give me Sundays off even though it’s the only day my husband and I can have off together. I just don’t understand why corporations can’t seem to understand what it would do for morale to show employees that they care about their free time. I really don’t think it’s healthy for work to be all consuming. One of my supervisors recently worked 18 hrs straight and when I saw her at the end of her shift she felt physically sick. I don’t want that kind of life. Work will never hold that most important place in my life.
Knowing what I do, it makes me seriously consider being a stay at home mom when I start a family. Because I just don’t want to be forced to choose between family and work. I am a better worker when the balance between family and work is even. If only I could find a company that understood that.
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Thanks for the great question this month, Aurora. I currently feel like I enjoy a pretty ideal work-life balance. I work full-time as a teacher, a job I love, and I’m home each day by 4:00. Usually, an English teacher like me would inevitably bring a lot of grading home with her, but in the school where I work now, our student numbers are so low that I’m able to avoid most of that, which is fantastic. So occasionally in the evening or on the weekends I’ll need to spend an hour or two grading essays or writing lesson plans, but overall my work life and personal life are pretty separated, which I like.I believe that work shouldn’t be everything—it’s much more important to invest in relationships with family and friends outside of work than to climb the ladder at the expense of your true happiness. Then again, if you have a job you love, why not throw yourself into it whole-heartedly? Our time on this earth is short, and if we’re really going to “do something” with our lives, it’s going to require time and effort. It’s also possible to build great friendships through your work, and I know some people consider their colleagues to be a second family to them, which also helps to bridge that work-life gap.
I certainly privilege time with my husband, travel, and my own leisure time more highly than I do my job at this point. But a lot of that has to do with the fact that I’m not the primary breadwinner in our family, and most likely never will be. I’m looking forward to taking a year (or two, or five, or ten) off when we have kids, and I’m blessed that this will be feasible for us financially. Then again, I also love my work and would love to stay in the teaching field somehow while simultaneously raising my children. If I could work part-time, I suppose for me that would be absolutely perfect.
Of course, the perfect work-life balance is something that will look different for every person. But I think you know when yours isn’t quite right. And it’s important to trust that instinct and do what you can to find fulfillment, both professionally and personally.
You know those moments that somehow feel both infinite and fleeting all at once? Like when it feels like there is nowhere else you should be but a second later it’s over and you’re looking back on it already? There are the big kind of […]
I don’t know if I’m happy. I’ve been working really hard the last few months at a new job and it feels really good. I like the concept of the company; I like the odds that it will succeed – setting me up with some […]
Recap: This month has been busy, and I’m not sure exactly what to write about in this post. I’ve learned a ton and felt both confused and secure in equal parts, but in all life is good and I’m glad to be where I am. Mostly.
The obvious thing to tell you about is my new job, which has taken up most, if not all, of my time lately. I easily work 60 hours a week and mess up only a few times less than I succeed, but in the same breath I feel strong and grateful, glad to be part of a cool company with cool people who both work and play hard.
I went on my first work trip a few days ago, road tripping 5 hours to a resort where we were presenters at an investor retreat. We hobnobbed with the former governor and other super rich investment celebrities I’d never heard of as they paid for our rooms and facials and manicures. It was nice being pampered a bit though all I really wanted was to go on a hike around the red rock of Southern Utah. I felt like the odd one out, being 20 years younger than most and being asked if I was married to my boss more than once seeing as all the other women there were wives or very well known. But it was good experience none the less and I feel much more comfortable with my boss now, though he still knows way less about me than I know about him.
I spent Saint Patrick’s Day working hard until six when I met my brother and friends for a few hours until I had to leave them at the bar and race home for a work call at 10pm. The call was useless and my night was mediocre at best since I was so worried about the call and wasn’t in the mood to socialize with ski bums. Not to mention a shot ski fell on us and broke my beer in my hand. But I went back to pick up my brother we had a really nice talk about life and relationships in the car ride home. He confessed a few things I’m really proud of him for and I know he genuinely meant it when he said I was someone he could always talk to. He’s doing a lot better lately, though he still struggles with finding good friends and making healthy choices. But when I think back on college I was lost too, lucky because I had great friends like the princesses to force me to get up and out, but mostly confused and dramatic, so I’m hopeful with his graduation coming up he’ll start to feel like his ‘real life’ has begun.
My roommates and I are getting along so much better than a few months ago, but I still struggle with whether to try and help them be better friends or to just keep them at a distance and let them be. Thankfully I’m not as sensitive as I was before, their moods quickly rolling off my ego and into pity… but I still care about them, and worry that if they can’t make me feel like their friendship is important, how are they going to convince others?
On Saturday night I went to see a movie alone, partially because I didn’t want to drag anyone to a movie I wasn’t sure they’d love and partially because I needed to remind myself of my strength. I’ve been in a fairly supportive mode lately with my job and my friends, taking their leads and making their lives easier, and while I usually don’t mind, sometimes I need to find a way to be the star of my own life. Going to a movie alone on a Saturday night helps me feel unique and independent. And I really wanted to see The Last Five Years, a musical with only a few lines of dialogue that I saw in play form a few weeks ago and have been listening to on repeat for months. The movie had its faults but in all it was a dream, and I’m glad it exists to show us there are two sides to every relationship.
My mother and I spent yesterday morning shopping for tile backsplash and it was nice to get along with her. I never know if we’ll clash or really connect when we hangout and lately it’s been much more good than bad, maybe we’re finally both growing up.
I feel like this is the worst post I’ve ever written, but I just haven’t quite wrapped my head around the meaning in my life yet. I’m not blissfully happy, but I’m not unhappy about it. That is a quote from the History Boys, it’s been too long since I’ve seen that play/movie. Anyway, I’m on my somewhere good, at least it feels that way.
Now I’m off to a work meeting and then to watch the opera where my friend is an extra. Not bad for a Sunday. Talk to you soon.
Two weeks ago I wasn’t doing well. I was unemployed, broke, and completely at a loss of what to do next. My confidence was dismal from all the job rejections and my roommate had just gotten a dog even though she knew I was allergic. […]
I was called for jury duty last week and it got me thinking, how important are laws to you? For this month’s COTM I’ve asked the princesses to think about their personal biases and how much they affect their upholding of the law. I hadn’t […]
A few days ago my housemate got a dog without my consent.
I’d been staying with my parents for a few days so when she called me Tuesday with the news that she’d brought a puppy home, I was shocked, especially as she guiltily excused the surprise by blaming me for not being around to talk it over with her, though she knew I’d be out of town.
Suddenly it felt like I had done something wrong, and not her, that if I wasn’t happy with her choice it wasn’t something she could change. She hastily reminded me that she’d always told me she’d think about getting a dog in the spring, but to me that isn’t the same as actually getting one in January without talking to me about it.
I’d made it clear when I agreed to move in that I didn’t think a dog was a good idea, mostly because I am allergic to them, but also because if she is serious about traveling and dating and not being broke, a dog will only make all that harder. As it is she never cleans the house or cooks for herself, and our landlord requires a ton of money down if we want a pet in the house. I love dogs as much as anyone, but at this point in her life, a dog isn’t what she needs.
I‘m not that worried about my allergies, she’s promised to clean more and I’ll just have to keep the door to my room shut. And honestly if it gets bad I’ll move out and find someone to sublet. But the real thing I’m struggling with is the lack of respect and friendship I feel from her lately, and the feeling that we’re not really friends.
I’ve known both her and her sister my whole life and since our parents are friends we’ll always stay in touch, but the closer I get to them the more I find myself hurt by them. Maybe it’s because they take me for granted or maybe they just grew up with different values than me, but I can’t tell you how many times in the last months I’ve been made to feel so much worse about myself by just being around them. They bail on plans and call me out on my weaknesses, make me feel like I have nothing to offer them or the world and even bring up my failures as jokes.
In some ways we get along great; we have fun and go on adventures. In moments of vulnerability I know they’re grateful for me, neither of them have many people they can count on, especially friends. But in the past my roommates have been my dear, dear friends, people who love and support me in so many ways. Lately I just can’t figure out how to live with people and not count on them, how not to let their negative outlooks on life and unforgiving opinions of me affect the positive ones I have of myself.
I know the real problem here is that I’ve lost a bit of my self-confidence over the last few months of failed job hunting, and I’ve been relying too much on the opinions of others to validate myself. But in moments of weakness your friends and roommates shouldn’t make you feel worse, and honestly mine do.
I don’t know where I’ll go from here. I’ll likely put on a smile and pretend I’m not affected, waiting out the one year lease and then demoting them to acquaintances I see every few months. But until then I hope I’ll figure out a way to be happy in spite of roommates that used to be my friends, but now just aren’t very kind.
I’m not much of a gambler. In fact in the three times I’ve been to Vegas I think I’ve only gambled once, more or less breaking even on a ten dollar bill in a slot machine. I don’t mind playing the games – Cindy and […]
Onward and upward! We’ve loved every minute of our time at wordpress.com but in honor of the new year (2015 already?! SERIOUSLY?!) we’ve upgraded to an official site! www.twentysomethingcondition.com If you’re already following us your subscription should be transferred automatically and if not please turn […]
A few months ago the father of my close friends died.
Our parents raised us together, me and a pair of twins, a boy and a girl (I’ll call them Rachel and Charles) and I’m so grateful for them. We lived on opposite sides of town so we didn’t go to school together until 4th grade when the neighborhood boundaries switched and I walked into my new classroom to see Charles waving me over to come sit next to him. We’ve all been there for each other ever since, cheering each other on at sporting events and graduations, traveling together and sending letters across states, friends that are bound by more than just a few shared experiences. They’re part of my family, the fabric of who I am, and though I haven’t seen them more than a few times each year lately, I’ve never doubted how important we are to each other.
So when in August I heard that their father was in the hospital and they were coming back to Utah to see him, I was glad I’d get to spend time my friends. No one thought he’d be dead a few days later. Charles came back in time, spending his last day with him in the hospital joking and taking about where his father hid his weed. Rachel got to the hospital an hour too late, flying in from Alaska was just too far and no one thought their lively, 57 year old father was really at the end.
I sent them a text when I heard, saying I loved them and that I’d tell our friends, not wanting to be in the way when I knew they were about to be bombarded with family and friends and shock. Calling our other friends was hard, I was the only one in town and they all wanted to know what they could do – I told them there wasn’t even anything I could do. We’ve all been so lucky, none of us have lost anything close to a parent.
The next few days went slowly. I worked a lot and didn’t reach out to my friends, crying alone at lunch thinking about what they must be going through. People ask so much of you when you’re the family, I just couldn’t be another person that they had to deal with. I knew they knew I’d do anything for them, but my gift was letting them know that they didn’t have to do anything for me. He died Sunday morning and I stopped by on Wednesday to drop off a few photos of their father that my family had found, they were glad to see me, and insisted I stay to help them organize the photos for the funeral. I stopped by every day after that to help glue and print and fill the boxes of things that would represent their father at the funeral, making jokes and enjoying my friends liked I’d hoped to a week earlier.
My friends are tough, so strong that I only saw them cry about their father at the funeral when they were speaking together on stage. The rest of the time they smiled and laughed about their dad’s messy office and asked family friends about their lives. I smuggled them food at the funeral and blocked when they needed a break, doing my best to keep the mood light – that is what they needed from me, distraction.
But in the months since I feel like it’s getting harder and harder to keep distracted. The funeral and subsequent weeks felt like they were about other people – extended family, friends, insurance providers – every time I was out with them we ran into another person who wanted to talk to them about it or someone who hadn’t yet heard. I had to stand there as they comforted person after person, nodding and smiling so whoever it was would let them leave. But now it feels so much more personal, not only because I’m doing my best to be there for my friends, but also because I’m starting to admit my loss as well. I’m only feeling a small part of what they are, but I miss their father and without him here things are different.
Their birthday was last week and before Rachel left town for a ski race she told me to take care of her brother, that he’d never ask me himself to make his birthday special. I was planning to already but I took him bowling and out for a drink, trying REALLY hard to ‘act normally’ as I did my best to keep him entertained and distracted. But it felt harder than usual to keep smiling, and I felt a bit like I let him down as I dropped him off at his mother’s house barely after 9pm.
I know the three of them aren’t alone, they all have each other, and so many others, but they have such a large responsibility to each other now. And I know time heals, but lately I’m afraid that it’s going to get worse before it gets better. As the distractions fall away they’re going to be left with the truth. Their father isn’t around. And I don’t know if I can help.